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Bree: Oh! Does anybody ever call you "Alfie"?
Alfred: No.
Bree: And why should they? So, um, Alfred, I was wondering if you could maybe loosen my restraints. They're incredibly tight, and I'm sure there are no rules against making me more comfortable.
Alfred: Do you think I'm stupid?
Bree: I beg your pardon?
Alfred: Two seconds after I loosen these little restraints, you'll try to scratch my eyes out and make a run for it. Well, I'm not falling for it, you psycho little bitch. In fact, I hope they keep you tied up for the next month 'cause I'd get a real kick out of watching a prissy little whack job like you lying in your own filth. Know what I mean?

Bree: If that's what it takes... to get my daughter...
Danielle: Stop it!
Bree: ...to see who you really are...
Danielle: Stop pointing that at my mother!
Bree: ...then fine.
Danielle: What are you doing?!
Bree: Do it.
Danielle: Stop!

Danielle: Mom, please move.
Bree: No. I gave up on your brother, and I'm not gonna make that mistake with you.
Matthew: We don't have time for this.
(Matthew pulls out a gun and points it at Bree.)
Danielle: Where did you get that? What are you doing?!
Matthew: Move away!
Bree: Danielle, I want you to get out of the house now. He's a killer.
Matthew: Shut up!
Danielle: Don't point that at my mother!
Bree: Danielle! I'm serious, go.
Matthew: What's wrong with you?! I'm gonna shoot you!
Danielle: Matthew, stop it!

Bree: Danielle, I don't know what you're planning, but I need to talk to you right now.
Danielle: Give it up, mom. We're leaving.
Bree: I'm calling the police.
(Bree runs to the phone. Matthew runs to it and tears it off the wall.)
Bree: Do you remember that girl, Melanie Foster? Matthew is the one who killed her.
Danielle: I know you don't want us to be together, but that's the lamest thing I've ever heard.
Bree: His mother told me what happened. It's true.
Matthew: Let's go, Danielle.

Bree: My children were my life. They were the reason that I got up in the morning, so to have failed them as a parent...
Psychiatrist: You think you failed them as a parent?
Bree: Well, my son is a sociopath, and my daughter hates me enough to have run away from home. I'm certainly not gonna get "mother of the year" anytime soon.
Psychiatrist: If your kids were here right now, what would you tell them?
Bree: I would beg my son Andrew for forgiveness for having given up on him, and I would tell my daughter not to worry, that I have a plan to protect her.
Psychiatrist: And just what is that plan?

Bree: Would you please, uh, add that to our bill?
Rex: I'm telling you, Bree, you're gonna have to stop riding 'em so hard.
Bree: I am trying to ensure that they turn into responsible adults. Trust me, Rex, in the end, we will be rewarded.
Rex: How can you be so damn sure of yourself all the time?
Bree: Why is my certainty a flaw? I know what I'm about, I know my values, and I know what's right. Why shouldn't I stay the course? Am I right, Mr. Williams?

Bree: Orson.
Orson: Oh, hey. I wanted to come by and see how you were doing after your great escape and, uh, these are for you.
Bree: How sweet and... unexpected. Do you wanna come in?
Orson: I'd love to.

Orson: Bree?
Bree: What?
Orson: You're Bree Van de Kamp, right?
Bree: Do I know you?
Orson: Orson Hodge. Uh, Susan's dentist friend. We met after her house burned down.
Bree: Oh. I'm so sorry. I didn't recognize you.
Orson: Small world, huh?
Bree: Yes. Uh, excruciatingly so.

Rex: Feel free to be harsh.
Mary Alice: Um, No, I'm... I'm good.
Bree: Well, now that we've finished with all this unpleasantness, I want to assure you that we are going to be good neighbors, and I hope in time, great friends.
Mary Alice: That sounds... lovely.
Bree: (to Andrew) Come on.
Mary Alice: Oh, wait. I'm--I'm sorry. It was Rex, Andrew and... what was your name again?

Bree: This is my husband Rex.
Rex:Hi. We're not weird. We just seem like we are.
Bree: And this is my son... the criminal. Go on.
Young Andrew: I'm sorry I stole from you. Just so you know, my mom did teach me right from wrong, so my actions should in no way influence your opinion of her as a parent.
Susan: Wow.
Bree: Well, is there anything you'd like to say to my son?

Bree: What are you doing here?
Orson: Well, three or four times a week, I visit my--my friend. What about you?
Bree: Oh, I just thought it would be a lovely place to take a nice, long rest.
Orson: Oh.
Bree: Um, listen, I told my friends that I was, um, I was at a spa, so if you run into Susan, I...
Orson: Your secret is safe.
Bree: And seriously... (lowers voice) I am not like these other people.
Orson: Oh, I can tell. A real lady always stands out in a crowd.
Bree: Well, that was... very sweet.
Orson: Enjoy your rest, Bree Van de Kamp.

Dr. Barr: It says here your husband died, you had a boyfriend who killed himself, and you suffer from alcoholism. That's a lot of trauma for one year. What about your kids?
Bree: Oh, they're fine. Andrew is backpacking through Europe, and Danielle is away at cheerleading camp.
Dr. Barr: What's your relationship with them like?
Bree: What do you mean?
Dr. Barr: Are you close? Do they share things with you?
What do you feel about them?
Bree: You know, I really don't have time for this nonsense. Are you going to give me some serious drugs or not?
Dr. Barr: No.
Bree: Fine. Then I'm going back to my room.

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