Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
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Peter: Jesus, we're going to help you lose your virginity!
Quagmire: Oh god! I love sex!

Brian: And somebody replaced Meg's sleeping pills with Alka-Seltzer.
Meg: People are going to miss me when I [long burp].

(Telephone rings)
Brian: Hello? Oh hey Jillian, what's up?
Jillian: Brian, are you coming over to watch Laguna Beach tonight?
Brian: Uh, what time does it start?
Jillian: Ten o'clock, Eastern and Specific Time.
Brian: What? What did you say? Specific Time? Don't you mean Pacific Time?
Jillian: No I think it's called Specific Time. They mean it starts specifically at 10:00.
(Stewie laughing)
Brian: Stewie, are you on the line?
Stewie: Yes.
Brian: Jillian, I'll talk to you later.

(Brian and Stewie sitting at table)Brian: So what happened?Stewie: Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian...what a royal pain in the ass. It's like, it's like, why can't you just hang out with guys, you know? Just live with someone of your own sex. Just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy, you know? Why don't guys just do that?Brian: They do, it's called being gay.Stewie: Oh, that's what gay is? Oh yeah, I could totally get into that.

Oh no! It's a multi racial TV gang, including white guys.

Brian: Gosh, this is a... lovely home Tracy.
Stewie: That's so weird. It smells like there's a cat, but I bet there's no cat.

Princess Leia/Lois: There's something out there!
Han Solo/Peter: Where?
Princess Leia/Lois: Out there in the cave!
Han Solo/Peter: Ha! Crazy women always hearing thngs.
Chewbacca/Brian: There's something out there!
Han Solo/Peter: Let's go check it out.

Stewie: Boy this must be killing you. You're an atheist, and the one guy you don't believe in is getting to bang the woman of your dreams.
Brain: I don't have to take this! I'm out of here. Can you let me out?

Brian: Well it seems everything worked out for the best, Meg.
Peter: (Blows rasberry)
Chris: Ha!Ha!Haa! Meg!
Peter: (Blows raspberry)
Chris: Meg!
Peter: (Blows raspberry)
Chris: Meg!
Peter: (Rasberry noise without him sticking out his tongue) ...Pardon me. (gets up and walk away)

(to 18 year old Lois) Could I 'Wham' my 'Oingo Boingo' into your 'Velvet Underground'?

Brian: Wow, you went to Harvard, huh? I'm an Ivy League man myself, I went to Brown.
Wellsley Sheperdson: Ooh, my incarcerated business partner's retarded gay niece went to Brown, what year did you graduate?
Brian: Well, I mean, I, I didn't... technically graduate.
Sheperdson: You're a college dropout? Brian, The New Yorker does not employ your kind! You, sir, are fired!

Brian: Hey, you think you might be able to get me some acid?
Stewie: I'll get you a rolled-up newspaper on the snout is what I'll get you! Very! Bad! Dog!

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 328 in total

Family Guy Quotes

North Dakota, we're not even the best Dakota!

Peter

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley