Stewie: "Brian, if I take up roller derby what od you think my name should be? Bruisin' B. Anthony, Alicia Sleaze, or Quo Hag?"
Brian: "How about Harlot O'Scara?"
Stewie: "You dick, that's awesome."

Brian: And somebody replaced Meg's sleeping pills with Alka-Seltzer.
Meg: People are going to miss me when I [long burp].

(Brian and Stewie sitting at table)Brian: So what happened?Stewie: Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian...what a royal pain in the ass. It's like, it's like, why can't you just hang out with guys, you know? Just live with someone of your own sex. Just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy, you know? Why don't guys just do that?Brian: They do, it's called being gay.Stewie: Oh, that's what gay is? Oh yeah, I could totally get into that.

Stewie: Ooh, let me have some of that Cool Hwhip.
Brian: What'd you say?
Stewie: You can't have a pie without Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Hwhip?
Stewie: Cool Hwhip, yeah.
Brian: You mean Cool Whip.
Stewie: Yeah, Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the H?
Stewie: What are you talking about? I'm just saying it. Cool Hwhip. You put Cool Hwhip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Say whip.
Stewie: Whip.
Brian: Now say Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: You're eating hair!
(Stewie spits out pie)

Stewie: Spit on me.
(Brian spits on him)
Stewie: (sighs) That's nice. Now tell me I'm scum.
Brian: How will that cool you off?
Stewie: Hmmm?

(to 18 year old Lois) Could I 'Wham' my 'Oingo Boingo' into your 'Velvet Underground'?

Brian: Gosh, this is a... lovely home Tracy.
Stewie: That's so weird. It smells like there's a cat, but I bet there's no cat.

Stewie: We could even use my own crib!
Brian: You use your own crib!

Stewie: Hey Brian, show her your Boost mobil phone.
Brian: Stewie has AIDs.

Lois: Are you and Glenn thinking about children?
Charmese: Unfortunately, I can't have children.
Lois: Oh. Menopause?
Charmese: No, I got knifed in the vagina one Christmas.
Brian: Oh, the holidays are always stressful.

(When at the ballet)
Brian: Boy, this is gonna be long. So, ah, you kids develop any pot connections at your school yet?
Chris: Huh?
Meg: Yeah.
Brian: Ah. Lois, Meg's just gonna take me outside to poop.

Lois: (Enters through front door.) Brian, what is this on my shoe?
Brian: My poop.
Lois: (Takes tissue and wipes shoe.) That's right and it's disgusting. I am sick of you using the front yard as your bathroom. It's time you learn to use the toilet like everyone else.
Stewie: Uh, I'm going to sneeze. I'm going to sneeze. I'm going to sneeze. I'm going to sneeze. (Sneezes on tissue with Brian's poop and looks at it.) Ahhhhh! (Runs away.)

Family Guy Quotes

Young Michael Jackson: The kid in me likes the frosted side.
Adult Michael Jackson: But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me.

Peter: I'm making my own Red Bull! Lois can't stop me from experiencing the manic highs and lows my body demands.
Brian: Whoa, whoa you're adding kerosene? That's insane! That'll destroy your body, Peter!
Peter: Kerosene is fuel, Brian. Red Bull is fuel. Kerosene is Red Bull...
Brian: That drink will kill you, Peter.
Peter: Whatever kills me will make me stronger.