Stewie: "Brian, if I take up roller derby what od you think my name should be? Bruisin' B. Anthony, Alicia Sleaze, or Quo Hag?"
Brian: "How about Harlot O'Scara?"
Stewie: "You dick, that's awesome."

Brian: And somebody replaced Meg's sleeping pills with Alka-Seltzer.
Meg: People are going to miss me when I [long burp].

Peter: Shut up, Meg!
Lois: Peter!
Chris: Dad!
Brian: You're back!
Meg: [dejectedly] Yay.

You have to do some of the work yourself. That's why there are 50 blank pages.

Peter: Boy, I got myself into a real situation, didn't I? But don't worry, I've got a plan to get us out of this!
Brian: Oh, good, I was afraid you were just going to improvise.
Peter: Oh, well actually I was gonna use the little girl as a human shield and run like hell! But uh, yeah, improvise. That'll be easier on my back

Brian: Do you really think that splashing "magic water" on Stewie is gonna keep him out of hell?
Francis: Shut your heathen trap, or else you'll be gettin' a taste of me fist!
Brian: That's very christian. "Believe what I say, or I'll hurt you".
Francis: Now you're getting it!

Stewie and I traded in our plane tickets for train tickets. Yeah, apparently you can do that

(Brian and Stewie back out of the driveway)
Stewie: Oooh, there's Joe. Say "Joe, I think you're cool."
Brian: Joe, I think you're cool.
Joe: Well, thank you Brian. That's gonna get me through the rest of this yard work.
Stewie: No, just kidding, you suck.
Brian: (to Joe) No, just kidding, you suck.
Stewie: Queer.
Brian: (to Joe) Queer. (Brian drives away)
Joe: Ah, well there goes my smile.

Brian: It's by Charles Dickens.
Stewie: Giggity.

(Stewie is standing in the mirror, peeling off his dead skin)
Brian: Ewww!
Stewie: Hey Brian, you want some Stewie jerky?

Meg: Wow, Brian! Have you lost weight? You gotta tell me your secret!
Brian: Here's a hint: Put down the fork!

Brian: I'm going to prove to you that there is no such thing as someone that is psychic and that with the most minimal training and the right set of buzz words, anyone can appear to be psychic, even a complete boob like Peter. Watch this.
Peter: Excuse me, ma'am. I'm psychic and I'm getting a strong feeling from you. Do you have a watch or clock that no longer works?
Woman: Wow. I used to have a watch that broke!
Brian: You see just by asking very general questions that would apply to most people, a person can appear to have inside knowledge about you.
Peter: I'm also sensing that you have a dead relative.
Woman: My husband died of cancer last year.
Peter: Oh my god, awesome. I'm sensing some other bad stuff.
Woman: My daughter was just in an accident.
Peter: Sweet! High five!
Woman: You're awful.
Peter: You don't want to hear the truth, don't come to the park.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Peter, are you just trying to take a knee until the end of the show? Peter that's not gonna work, you can't just --

Lois