Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXPopular Brian Griffin Quotes
Brian: You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
Connie: Excuse me?
Meg: Brian, let's just go.
Brian: No, no, no, no, no. Now hang on... hang on, Meg, hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started putting out when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So, you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19, you're going to be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your step-dad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark?
(Connie cries and runs)
Stewie: "Brian, is this our vacation?"
Brian: "Yea."
Stewie: "Oh...are we trash?"
Brian: "Kinda."
Brian: Gosh, this is a... lovely home Tracy.
Stewie: That's so weird. It smells like there's a cat, but I bet there's no cat.
Carlos: I'm Carlos, and beneath my tough exterior is a boy aching to learn! And beneath that is a rapist.
Samantha: My name is Samantha, and my water just broke!
Brian: Oh my God!
Tim: Yo, it's my turn to deliver!
Girl: Can I have this one? My mom keeps giving mine away
Bob Barker: Help control the pet population and have your pet spayed or neutered.
Brian: Oh, just die already
Stewie: Hey, New Brian. Oh, I see you're having pie. You know, pie isn't really pie without Cool Hwhip.
[Stewie doesn't get a reaction from New Brian.]
Stewie: Everything's better with Cool Hwhip.
[Still no reaction.]
Stewie: Did you hear what I said?
New Brian: Yeah, what about it?
Stewie: It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it? "Cool Hwhip?"
New Brian: No, why would it?
Stewie: Cool Hwhip. I'm putting emphasis on the H.
New Brian: Sounds right to me.
Stewie: Nothing ever bothers you, does it?
New Brian: No, not really. I like everything.
Stewie: God, he's a bigger buzz kill than Buzz Killington.
[Camera widens to reveals Buzz Killington sitting on a recliner next to Stewie and New Brian]
Killington: Stewie, do you know why W. S. Gilbert was frequently drunk on his transatlantic crossings?
Stewie: No...
Killington: Because he was quartered on the port-side! [chuckles] Now that I've got you, let's both revisit the birth of the D'Oyly Carte Opera Company.
Stewie: What do you want your alias to be?
Brian: What are you talking about? I'm not gonna -
(Stewie holds gun to Brian's head)
Stewie(yelling): Pick a name for yourself!
Brian: Willem Dafoe.
Stewie: Ew, not that one. I used to have a Willem Dafoe living under my bed.
(cut to scene of Stewie in bed)
Willem Dafoe: Hey, you asleep yet?
Stewie: Uhh...no.
Willem Dafoe: Just checking.
(Stewie is standing in the mirror, peeling off his dead skin)
Brian: Ewww!
Stewie: Hey Brian, you want some Stewie jerky?
Policeman: You were going sixty-five fella, that's ten miles over the... Why are you holding that infant's hand?
Stewie: We met on the internet.
Brian: Shut up!
Stewie: Yes, he lured me down to the park with promises of candy and funny stories.
Brian: Officer, you ever hear of that super-industrial adhesive?
[The policeman turns to show another policeman stuck on his back]
Second Policeman: Actually, yes, we have
I'm not proud of this, but i'm gonna have to lick that up.
Brian: Better luck next time pal, some people got moves, others don't. Been that way forever.
Caveman 1: You. Me. Sex.
Caveman 2: Him legend.
Brian: Do you really think that splashing "magic water" on Stewie is gonna keep him out of hell?
Francis: Shut your heathen trap, or else you'll be gettin' a taste of me fist!
Brian: That's very christian. "Believe what I say, or I'll hurt you".
Francis: Now you're getting it!
