Stewie: "Brian, if I take up roller derby what od you think my name should be? Bruisin' B. Anthony, Alicia Sleaze, or Quo Hag?"
Brian: "How about Harlot O'Scara?"
Stewie: "You dick, that's awesome."

Bill Clinton: All right, are you ready for another round of N.A.F.T.A
Lois Griffin: What does N.A.F.T.A. mean?
Bill Clinton: 'Nother Afternoon of F****** That Ass!

Stewie: Ooh, let me have some of that Cool Hwhip.
Brian: What'd you say?
Stewie: You can't have a pie without Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Hwhip?
Stewie: Cool Hwhip, yeah.
Brian: You mean Cool Whip.
Stewie: Yeah, Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the H?
Stewie: What are you talking about? I'm just saying it. Cool Hwhip. You put Cool Hwhip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Say whip.
Stewie: Whip.
Brian: Now say Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: You're eating hair!
(Stewie spits out pie)

Brian: What's it called?
Stewie "Susie".
Brian: [sarcastically] Wow, a song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already.
Stewie: [annoyed] Name twenty!
Brian: "Rosanna", "Roxanne", "Michelle", "Allison", "Sarah", "Angie", "Brandy", "Mandy", "Gloria", "Cecilia", "Maggie May", "Jessica", "Nancy", "Barbara Ann", "Billie Jean", "Layla", "Lola", "Polly", "Helena", "Jenny from the Block".
Stewie: Name six more.
Brian: "Sherry", "Laura", "Wendy", "Maria", "Peggy Sue", "Minnie the Moocher".
Stewie: Name five more.
Brian: "Tracy", "Jean", "Jane", "Mary Ann", "Eleanor Rigby".
[Short pause; Stewie then throws his guitar on the floor and walks out]
Stewie: Go fuck yourself.

Lois: Look Meg, A, Ear sex is just unnatural, and B, how do I say this, vaginal intercourse is...it..its just tops! It's the bee's knees Meg. Oh, when your rattle it around just right, oh my god! I mean, you remember when we had that old car with the bad shocks, and I used to take the old dirt road on purpose! Meg! Meg?
(pans to see Brian in the doorway)
Brian: I love you.

Stewie: Hey, you have a tattoo.
Brian: No I don't.
Stewie: Is that Ziggy? Is that a Ziggy tattoo
Brian: Aw, geez.
Stewie: Why do you have a Ziggy tattoo
Brian: I just to used think he was kind of funny. We should get to the hospital.

Come on math, you dick.

Stewie: Late night, huh? What's her name Brian?
Brian: What are you talking about?
Stewie: Oh spare me the theatrics. I see the signs, the excuses for why we can't hang out, the inside out collar. If I didn't recognize what was going on here, I'd have to be as dim as those retirees I entertain every Thursday.
(Flash to the retirement home)
Stewie: (singing and playing the guitar)
There's a hole in the bottom of the sea
There's a hole in the bottom of the sea
Oh, there's a hole
There's a hole
There's a hole in the bottom of the sea
(talking and still playing the guitar)
Whoa-ho-ho, alright, we're getting a little faster here now. And you know what? I think there's something else down there in the bottom of the sea, something that you'll be able to relate to.
(singing and playing the guitar)
There's a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed on the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea.
There's a tube in the throat, of the elderly man, in the hospital bed, on the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea.
Oh there's a hole
There's a hole
There's a hole in the bottom of the sea
(A nurse wheels in a birthday cake on a cart)
(talking and still playing the guitar)
Oh, whoa! What is this?
(singing and playing the guitar)
There's a birthday cake for Mr. Cowen on the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea.
There's a birthday cake for Mr. Cowen in the hole in the bottom of the sea.
(Mr. Cowen falls to the floor)
(talking and still playing the guitar)
Get a nurse.
(singing and playing the guitar)
There's a hole
There's a hole
There's a hole in the bottom of the sea.

Judge: Mr. Foreman, how say you?
Foreman: We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree.
Peter: Oh no!
Bruce: Oh no!
Brian: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no!
Chris: Oh No!
Kool-Aid Guy: (Crashes through courtroom wall) Oh yeaaaah!
(slowly backs out)
Judge: Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "Oh no" in this courtroom? Cause the f***ing Kool-Aid Guy's gonna keep showin' up. Thank you.

Stewie: Yes! I'm going to wow her tonight Rupert, I'm going to be cooler than Brian when he hangs out at the bowling alley.
Brian: That's what I love about high school girls... I keep geting older, they stay the same age, hehehe, yes they do, yes they do...

(When at the ballet)
Brian: Boy, this is gonna be long. So, ah, you kids develop any pot connections at your school yet?
Chris: Huh?
Meg: Yeah.
Brian: Ah. Lois, Meg's just gonna take me outside to poop.

Brian: Hey, you think you might be able to get me some acid?
Stewie: I'll get you a rolled-up newspaper on the snout is what I'll get you! Very! Bad! Dog!

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley