Stewie: You need more than that, you need an act. Listen, I'll be your assistant, and we'll put on a whole big show.Brian: Really?Stewie: Yeah, we'll do all the great tricks. You can even split me in half.Brian: What?Stewie: Saw me in half.

Lois: (after reading Peter's note) Well, heh, it looks like I am free. Hey, you know what might be fun? How bout we just order room service and watch a couple of bad movies?
Brian: Yeah, that does sound like fun. I'll go rent Vanilla Sky.
Lois: I said a bad movie, not an abortion.

Brian: Lois, I really like to talk about this.(Brian starts scratching the door)
Lois: No! Stop scratching the door!
Brian: Okay.

Peter: You can't even hang on to a girlfriend for more than a couple of months.
Brian: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Peter: Oh... you're a friggin' train wreck with that crap, Brian. You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back, and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno.

Stewie: So, what happened sport? Come on, talk to your pal Stewie.
Brian: Alright, but only because I've gotta tell somebody. I pretty much just threw myself at Lois.
Stewie: So, you finally did it huh? Well look Brian, as your friend, I should tell you that that vagina is ground zero man. I mean I just wrecked that thing on the way out, and just to be a jerk, I carved "Brooks was here" in the wall. Did you see that? Did you see "Brooks was here."
Brian: We didn't have sex.
Stewie: Of course with Chris going before me I pretty much just walked outta there. Didn't even have to stoop over. There was even room to twirl a cane as I strolled.
Brian: You're exaggerating.
Stewie: Only a little bit! That's the messed up thing.

Oh my God, I attacked Lois! What the hell was I thinking? I'm a rapist. I-I'm no better than Kobe Bryant, or Mike Tyson, or Reagan.

Stewie: Brian, guess what? I gave James Woods your novel to read, and you're not gonna believe this!
Brian: Really? Did he like it?
Stewie: He wants to option it and make a movie!
Brian: Really!?
Stewie: No, he didn't really respond to it.
Brian: Ohh.

Brian: Listen, I need your help, go run into and give me a pair of scissors.
Stewie: No!
Brian: Why not?
Stewie: Because, you made me watch those two girls and a cup.
(Flashbacks to the incident)
Stewie: Okay, wait. What is this now?
Brian: Just watch.
Stewie: Why are we taping my reactions. (about the camera)
Brian: Just watch.
(Turns to the computer)
Stewie: Okay, they're lesbians clearly.
(Stewie reacts to the video, disgusted, as Brian starts to laugh)

Peter: That kung pao chicken smells good. You smell that?
Brian: Right now, all I can smell is your ass.

Peter: If i'm gay then Freddy Mercury was gay.
Brian: Freddy Mercury? The lead singer of Queen? He was incredibly gay.
Peter: He was not, he had a mustache.

Lois: Peter, have you seen Brian?
Peter: (with his back to her, his voice is muffled) No, Lois. I have not.
Lois: Well, I haven't seen him since this morning and I--what is that on your head?
(Peter turns to reveal Brian duct taped to his face)
Peter: It's a mustache, Lois! What, you've never seen a mustache before?!
Brian: (calmly)Lois, would you mind calling the police or something?
Peter: Quiet, mustache!

Stewie: Well Brian, you've lost your bet. I, or rather my alter-ego Zack Sawyer, am currently the most popular boy at James Woods High.
Brian: Well, Stewie, you got the best of me on this one, congratulations. I guess you'll be hanging up your wig now?
Stewie: Oh no Brian, I'm enjoying myself too much. Do you know I have a date with Connie D'amico this Saturday night at Anal Point?
Brian: Ah, I've heard about that place.
Stewie: Really? What's it like? Because I have no idea.
Brian: Well, uh... I suppose if you imagine it like a parking space that you think "gosh, there's no way I'm gonna be able to fit in there." But then you fold in the side view mirrors, and sure enough, well, look at that.
Stewie: Well, in that scenario, it sounds like I'd rather be the parking space than the car.
Brian: Yeah, that's what I always guessed.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley