Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family-guy

Brian: She's gone. Jillian's gone.
Stewie: Look Brian, I know you're upset now, but I think it's important to see things in perspective. Remember when Alex P. Keaton lost his girlfriend, and then he got another one and everything was alright? And then he got Parkinson's...yikes.

(Brian and Jillian are having sex)
Brian: Oh, yeah. You like that, huh?
Jillian: Yeah, it's rad!
Brian: Please don't talk.

Jillian: Brian, did you know that Daryl Hannah has one wooden finger?
Brian: Really? Where'd you read that?
Jillian: In Pee-opple Magazine.

(Power goes out, the whole family gasps)
Lois: Oh my god, the power's out.
Chris: What are we gonna do now?
Brian: Well, we could light some candles and read.
(rest of the family pauses before breaking out in laughter)
Chris: Yeah right.
Stewie: Yeah that'd be great.
Peter: Yeah, read the inside of my butt.

Chris (Luke): Look at this! Who throws out half a pizza?
Peter (Han): And look at this couch. Sombody threw out a whole couch and it's in great shape.
Brian (Chewbacca): Yeah, put a little Febreeze on that, scrub it out a little bit, it'd look great in your appartment.
Peter (Han): You know what? I know we got a dangerous job to do here, but... I'm taking this. I'm taking this couch.

(Peter is talking with Brian, about returning to the past to correct the present)
Peter: I don't care what it takes, Brian. I gotta get Lois back somehow.
Brian: Well, the only one who can help us is Death, and he only shows up when somebody dies.
Peter: Ah, that's gonna be tough. With President Gore's Universal Health Care, people are living much longer these days.
Brian: And with Zero Tolerance gun control and a strong, well-funded educational system, there's no street crime. Face it, Peter, you not marrying Lois was the best thing that ever happened to the world.
Peter: I don't care! We gotta find a way to summon Death, and quick!
(Jane Jetson falls out of the sky to the pavement, dead)
Peter: Well, that might do it.
(Death appears)
Peter: Death, oh thank God you're here! Listen, you gotta send me back in time again, so I can marry Lois!
Death: Man, it's been a busy day. Dick Cheney, the chairman of Haliburton, shot Supreme Court Justice Scalia in a hunting accident, and the bullet went right through him and killed Karl Rove and Tucker Carlson.
Brian: Oh my God, Peter, you can't marry Lois!
Peter: I don't know who any of those people are.

Brian: You ever hear of the theory that if you kill a butterfly in the past, it can drastically alter the present? Well who knows what else we changed.
(Peter turns the TV on)
Announcer: Tonight on the Tonight Show, movie star George Clooney.
Peter: Oh, he's good.
Announcer: Comedian Dave Chappelle.
Brian: He's funny, like him.
Announcer: And musician Harry Connick Jr.
Peter: Wow, what a show.
Announcer: And now, ladies and gentleman, heeeeeeeeeere's Chevy!
Peter: Oh god Brian, we messed up bad! We messed up real bad!

(to 18 year old Lois) Could I 'Wham' my 'Oingo Boingo' into your 'Velvet Underground'?

Radio: Stay tuned for President Ronald Reagan's weekly radio address.
Peter: Ronald Reagan? The actor? He's president?
Brian: Peter, you're the one from the future, you should know - ah, forget it.

Hey, hey, Lois, look, look, another dog, Look, there's another dog! Hey other dog, f*** you!

Chris (moaning): Mom, how long do we have to wear these wigs?
Lois: Until our hair grows back, Chris.
Meg: Dad, you couldn't have gotten us anything more stylish?
Stewie: I don't think it's so bad, I feel rather like Mozart.
Brian: Hey Stewie, play Haydn.
(Stewie plays toy piano, Meg, Lois, and Chris laugh and clap)
Brian: Now play Handel.
(Stewie plays again, gets cheers from Meg, Lois and Chris)
Peter: Play Peter Griffin.
Stewie: Ah, now that is a challenge.

Stewie: Hey, you have a tattoo.
Brian: No I don't.
Stewie: Is that Ziggy? Is that a Ziggy tattoo
Brian: Aw, geez.
Stewie: Why do you have a Ziggy tattoo
Brian: I just to used think he was kind of funny. We should get to the hospital.

Displaying quotes 121 - 132 of 324 in total

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley
x Close Ad