Stewie: Hey, Brian, knock knock!
Brian: Who's there?
Stewie: (whispering) Two friends, building a house together.

Stewie: Alright Brian, I'm gonna go up to the upper level and run this wire down through the wall. Grab your walkie, I'll call you when I get up there.
Brian: Okay.
(Stewie walks away, is heard over the walkie-talkie)
Stewie: Brian, pick up. Over.
Brian: What?
Stewie: Brian, please say "over" when you are finished talking. Over.
Brian: (sighs) What? Over.
Stewie: Do you see the wire yet? Over.
Brian: No.
Stewie: Nooooo what? Over.
Brian: No. Over.
Stewie: Okay, I'm gonna start feeding it through. Over.
Brian: Wait, If you haven't started feeding it, why'd ya ask me if I could see it?
Stewie: Didn't copy that. Over.
Brian: I said why did ya ask me if I could see it if you haven't started feeding it. Over.
Stewie: Oh that's better, I can hear you now. Over. Do you see it yet? Over.
Brian: You know, you're a jackass. For the record, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over.
Stewie: When this is what Brian? Over.
Brian: I said, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over.
Stewie: When this is what? You've got to finish your sentence. Over.
Brian: That's it, my sentence is over.
Stewie: Your sentence is what, Brian? Over.
Brian: My sentence is- wait a minute. I have to say over, even if the sentence ends with the word over?
Stewie: Ends with the word what, Brian? Over.
(the wire descends through the wall)
Brian: Oh, I see the wire.
Stewie: You see the wire what? Over.
Brian: Over! (yanks on the wire, pulling Stewie down with it)

Peter: 9/11 changed everything!
Brian: Peter, you didn't even know what 9/11 was until 2004.

Stewie: What do you want your alias to be?
Brian: What are you talking about? I'm not gonna -
(Stewie holds gun to Brian's head)
Stewie(yelling): Pick a name for yourself!
Brian: Willem Dafoe.
Stewie: Ew, not that one. I used to have a Willem Dafoe living under my bed.
(cut to scene of Stewie in bed)
Willem Dafoe: Hey, you asleep yet?
Stewie: Uhh...no.
Willem Dafoe: Just checking.

(Brian and Stewie back out of the driveway)
Stewie: Oooh, there's Joe. Say "Joe, I think you're cool."
Brian: Joe, I think you're cool.
Joe: Well, thank you Brian. That's gonna get me through the rest of this yard work.
Stewie: No, just kidding, you suck.
Brian: (to Joe) No, just kidding, you suck.
Stewie: Queer.
Brian: (to Joe) Queer. (Brian drives away)
Joe: Ah, well there goes my smile.

Joe: (knocking on the door) Hey, everything okay in there? I heard shouting.
Stewie: Dog, answer it. Tell him "Yes, everything's fine."
Brian: (opens the door) Yes Joe, everything's fine.
Joe: Ah, okay, good.
Stewie: (hiding behind the door, telling Brian what to say) Make fun of his wheelchair.
Brian: What?
Joe: What?
Stewie: Do it! Say "ha ha ha ha ha ha, you're in a wheelchair."
Brian: (to Joe) Ha ha ha ha ha ha, you're in a wheelchair.
Joe: What's that supposed to mean?
Stewie: Say "I bet you can't get a boner."
Brian: (to Joe) I bet you can't get a boner.
Joe: That's not very nice, Brian.
Stewie: "Neither is your mother's ass."
Brian: (to Joe) Neither is your mother's ass.
Joe: Well, I'll give you that one.
Stewie: Now tell him you've always thought he was handsome.
Brian: (to Joe) I've always thought you were handsome.
Joe: Well, I gotta tell you Brian, I'm relieved to hear you say that. Please call me if you see any sign of Stewie.
Stewie: Tell him "ha ha ha ha ha ha, just kidding about the handsome thing.
Brian: Oh come on.
Stewie: Do it!
Brian: Come on, that meant a lot to him.
(Stewie cocks the gun)
Brian: (to Joe) Ha ha ha ha ha ha, just kidding about the handsome thing.
Joe: Ah, well that's, uh disappointing. I needed that boost today.

Stewie: (looking in the barrel of a shotgun) Go ahead, mother! Do it! Shoot me! Shoot your little baby Stewie!
Lois: (dramatic pause; her arm holding the gun shakes then she drops on her knees, dropping the gun) I can't do it! You're a terrible, evil child, but you're still my baby, and I could never hurt you.
Stewie: Well, that works out perfectly because I CAN HURT YOU! (grabs the gun and aims at Lois' face) Say hi to Cleveland for me! Oh, and Mr. Weed.
(dramatic pause; a gunshot is heard, Lois is unhurt, Stewie looks down at his bleeding chest, another shot is heard and hits Stewie in the head; Peter is seen holding a smoking gun)
Peter: It's just been revoked!
Brian: Uh, Peter, we didn't really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line. It... it doesn't really work here.
Peter: Oh... I'll have what she's having!
Brian: That's... better?

Brian: Hey, Stewie, we got a postcard from Peter and Lois on the cruise. (Stewie gets out of the simulation chair) What are you doing?
Stewie: Oh, hello, Brian. Well, you recall my complaining about Lois and the Fat Man not taking me with them?
Brian: Yeah?
Stewie: Yes, well, you said I didn't have it in me to kill Lois, so I was just running a simulation to find out exactly how killing her and taking over the world would play out for me.
Brian: Yeah? How'd that go?
Stewie: Not well, Brian. Not well. I suppose I'm not ready to kill Lois or take over the world yet.
Brian: So, what you're saying is that what you experienced in the simulation didn't really happen, or even matter?
Stewie: Yes, that's correct.
Brian: So, it was sort of like a dream?
Stewie: No, it was a simulation.
Brian: Yes, but, theoretically, if someone watched the events of that simulation from start to finish, only to find out that none of it really happened, I mean you don't think, that would, j-- be just like a giant middle finger to them?
Stewie: Well, hopefully, they would have enjoyed the ride.
Brian: I don't know, man. I think you'd piss a lot of people off that way.
(Brian leaves)
Stewie: Well, at least it didn't end like The Sopranos, where it just cut to black in mid-sen-- (the screen goes black like Stewie described)

(The family returns home)
Brian: Boy, I sure hope they find him. Otherwise we're all gonna be-
(a gun cocks, camera cuts to Stewie)
Stewie: So, it's all out in the open now, isn't it?
Peter: Stewie, uh, how long have you been all messed up and evil like this?
Stewie: Oh, so now you're interested in Stewie? Last week when I made that macaroni picture of an owl, you didn't give a damn!
Peter: That was an owl?
Stewie: Yes, and now we're going to look at it again. (Hits Peter in the knees, and drags him over to the picture. Stewie begins yelling while holding a gun to Peter's head) Look, Look, do you like it?!
Peter: (scared) Yes.
Stewie: What do you like about it specifically?!
Peter: (scared) I don't know.
Stewie: Pick something or I'll blow your brains out!
Peter: (scared) I like... how it looks like an owl.
Stewie: Thank you for the compliment!

(Stewie drags in a wagon full of weapons)
Brian: What are you doing?
Stewie: I'll teach that hussy to go on a boat ride without me. When she returns, I'm going to put bamboo splinters under all her finger nails. Then I'm gonna strip her down and tie her to the bed.
Brian: Okay.
Stewie: Then I'm going to make her crawl on her hands and knees while I drip hot candle wax all over her back.
Brian: Uh, and then what are you going to do?
Stewie: Uhh, let's see.
Brian: You gonna shower her off after all that candle wax?
Stewie: No, I'm gonna keep her filthy!
Brian: Yeah, she's been a bad girl
Stewie: And then I'm gonna gag her with her own brazier.
Brian: (laughs)
Stewie: What?
Brian: No, no nothing, nothing. That's all part of your diabolical plan to...humiliate her.
Stewie: Yes, yes, she'll be humiliated.
Brian: Maybe you'll handcuff her, she'll hate that.
Stewie: Then I shall do that as well.
Brian: And call her a bitch.
Stewie: Until I'm hoarse with rage!
Brian: Maybe smack her ass with a riding crop.
Stewie: Yes, and then-- what?
Brian: No I mean that would like, t-- that would show her.
Stewie: Are y-? You're getting some kind of sick sexual thrill off of this aren't you?!
Brian: Who cares?! You're not gonna kill her anyway. You're gonna bitch and moan, and then you're gonna do what you always do. The minute Lois walks through that door you're gonna forget all about it, beg for your apple juice, go poop and fall asleep.

Brian: Great. This is even a bigger waist of time then Ringo's songwriting.
(Cuts to a scene with Paul McCartney, George Harrison and John Lennon in a recording studio when Ringo Starr enters)
Ringo: Hey guys I wrote a song!
Paul: Oh thats great!
John: Oh good Ringo!
George: Fantastic!
Paul: (Takes the song) You know what? I'm gonna put it right here. (hangs it up on a refrigerator) Right on the refrigerator. That way we'll get to see it everyday.
Ringo: All right!

Stewie: You know, Meg has really flourished since Lois was murdered.
Brian: What are you talking about? Lois's death was an accident.
Stewie: Which is just what someone who pulled off the perfect murder would want you to think.
Brian: What the hell are you - Stewie, did you kill Lois?
Stewie: Of course I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I just poop and fall asleep.
Brian: Oh my God. You did it. You actually did it.
(Stewie's head has spun half way around)
Stewie: Oh God, I really screwed myself up here. Listen, could you reach into my pocket and get the number for that accupuncturist?
Brian: You son of a bitch, you killed Lois!
Stewie: Good luck proving that Brian. But seriously, get that number.
Brian: Well, I am going to expose you for what you are. No matter what it takes. You are gonna pay for this!

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

I forgot Yelp was a weapon for dumb people, you taught me something today Brian.

Stewie