Stewie: Brian, how many years have I been saying you and I should go berry picking?
Brian: A lot of years, Stewie.
Stewie: Wait a minute. Do you know where we are, Brian? This is a very special place. They say once every 100 years, in this spot, Donny Most rises from the mist.
Brian: Ah, I think that's just a legend.
Stewie: Well that's because you're...look!

Stewie: Hey, you have a tattoo.
Brian: No I don't.
Stewie: Is that Ziggy? Is that a Ziggy tattoo
Brian: Aw, geez.
Stewie: Why do you have a Ziggy tattoo
Brian: I just to used think he was kind of funny. We should get to the hospital.

Hey, hey, Lois, look, look, another dog, Look, there's another dog! Hey other dog, f*** you!

Chris (moaning): Mom, how long do we have to wear these wigs?
Lois: Until our hair grows back, Chris.
Meg: Dad, you couldn't have gotten us anything more stylish?
Stewie: I don't think it's so bad, I feel rather like Mozart.
Brian: Hey Stewie, play Haydn.
(Stewie plays toy piano, Meg, Lois, and Chris laugh and clap)
Brian: Now play Handel.
(Stewie plays again, gets cheers from Meg, Lois and Chris)
Peter: Play Peter Griffin.
Stewie: Ah, now that is a challenge.

(When at the ballet)
Brian: Boy, this is gonna be long. So, ah, you kids develop any pot connections at your school yet?
Chris: Huh?
Meg: Yeah.
Brian: Ah. Lois, Meg's just gonna take me outside to poop.

Lois: Well, I got good news. I'm going to be the Church's new organist. (Both Brian and Meg talk simultaneously.)
Brian: Hey, hey, congrats.
Meg: Wow mom, that's great.
Chris: That means you'll play the organ.

Brian: Lois, I'm not sure this is the right place for us. These Texans are socially backward and politically they're all stubborn as a mule.
A Mule: No sorry, Kevin Bacon wasn't in Footloose.
Guy: What!?, of course he was.
A Mule: No he wasn't, you lose.
Guy: Of course he was, he was the star.
A Mule: Nope, you're wrong. Look it up.
Guy: I don't have to look it up, it's common knowledge
A Mule: Nope..
Guy: he was on the cover
A Mule: Nope
Guy: of People Magazine
A Mule: Nope..
Guy: when the movie
A Mule: No
Guy: Everyone knows...
A Mule: No
Guy: that.
A Mule: No!..
Guy: Kevin Bacon..
A Mule: NO!
Guy: was the star
A Mule: NO!
Guy: in Footloose..
A Mule: NO!
Guy: It was a huge movie,
A Mule: NO!
Guy: he was the lead.
A Mule: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! HeeHaw! HeeHaw! HeeHaw!

Brian: Well, we got lucky. How you holding up Stewie?
Stewie: (in female clothing) Ummm, I feel right Brian. I feel right.

Jillian: Wait, wait, I have another question, how do I know if I'm Jewish?
Brian: Are you Jewish?
Jillian: No.
Brian: There you go sport!
Jillian: Thank you!

Brian: Can you believe that cashier's accent? "Would you like some change for you?"
Stewie: If it weren't for 9/11, they'd be adorable!

Peter: You know they say Chuck Norris is so tough, there's no chin under his beard... there is only another fist.
Brian: That's ridiculous. (Chuck Norris taps him on the back.) Chuck Norris? (A fist comes out of Chuck Norris' beard and punches Brian in the face.)

(Brian and Stewie hid in a bathroom)
Brian: We need some way of changing your appearance!
Stewie: I feel like Britney Spears. I'm standing in urine and I hate the person I'm with.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Ugggh! This tastes like Ani DiFranco after a bike ride!

Quagmire (referencing an awful Korean Taco)