(Brian and Stewie hid in a bathroom)
Brian: We need some way of changing your appearance!
Stewie: I feel like Britney Spears. I'm standing in urine and I hate the person I'm with.

Brian: (After being shocked by Peter.) Damn it Peter, stop it! I got to tell you, you're pissing me off worse when I watched the OJ verdict with my old roommate. (Cuts to scene where Brian and his roommate are watching TV.)
TV Announcer: We, the jury, find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty. (Roommate says "Yes!" while Brian says "What the hell?" simultaneously. There is a moment of silence.)
Brian and Roommate: (simultaneously) What? (They both take out guns and aim at each other.)
Brian: Maybe we should get new roommates.
Roommate: Yeah, maybe we should.

Peter: (After shocking Chris.) What the hell was that? (Shocks Chris again.) Oh my God, Lois, don't get alarmed, but, I think I might be Jesus. I'm Jesus.
Brian: Peter, that's a static shock. Your pajamas created a charge of electricity when you dragged your feet across the carpet and when you touched Chris, you passed it on.
Peter: Kneel before Christ! (Gets up, rubs feet on carpet, shocks Brian.)

Brian: Alright so we roll the dice and then we both have to yell Yahtzee really loud.
Stewie: At the same time?
Brian: Yeah and you have to flap your wrists like this. (Flapping his hands in the air.)
Stewie: And you'll do it to?
Brian: Of course, that's how it's done.
Stewie: Okay.
Brian: Alright, ready?
Stewie: Okay, you going to do it with me?
Brian: Oh yeah.
Stewie: (After Brian throws the dice, screams and flaps his hands.) Yahtzee!
Brian: Gay.
Stewie: You suck!

(Brian is sitting on the toilet)
Lois: Well, look at you using the toilet. I am so proud of you.
Brian: Hey, well you deserve all the praise for encouraging me to do it.
Lois: Well still, good for you.
(Lois leaves, and Stewie enters)
Stewie: So, where are you really doin' your business?
Brian: Oh, I found a place.
(Scene cuts to Adam West's mansion, he walks near some bushes
Adam West: Well I'll be damned, and they called me crazy; "You can't plant sausage seeds" they said, well look at this!

(Brian and Stewie are in the bathroom, staring at the toilet)
Brian: How do you think it works?
Stewie: I have no idea.
Brian: Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet, and you're the one who's had potty-training, so I'm counting on you to help me.
Stewie: Alright, we're two intelligent guys, we can figure this out.
(they walk toward the toilet)
Brian: What's that big back part?
Stewie: (nervously) Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing. It would be wise not to anger him.
Brian: (reaching for the flush handle) I wonder what this thing is for.
Stewie: Brian! Be careful with that, we don't know what it does.
Brian: (sighs) Alright, here goes.
Stewie: Oh god, oh god, careful, careful, careful, careful!
(Brian flushes the toilet, they both run out of the bathroom, Stewie yelling and Brian barking)

Bill Clinton: All right, are you ready for another round of N.A.F.T.A
Lois Griffin: What does N.A.F.T.A. mean?
Bill Clinton: 'Nother Afternoon of F****** That Ass!

Lois: (Enters through front door.) Brian, what is this on my shoe?
Brian: My poop.
Lois: (Takes tissue and wipes shoe.) That's right and it's disgusting. I am sick of you using the front yard as your bathroom. It's time you learn to use the toilet like everyone else.
Stewie: Uh, I'm going to sneeze. I'm going to sneeze. I'm going to sneeze. I'm going to sneeze. (Sneezes on tissue with Brian's poop and looks at it.) Ahhhhh! (Runs away.)

Peter: Hello flabby, out of shape family. Check out my bulging ripplyness.
Brian: Peter, you've been to the gym once... for fifteen minutes.
Peter: And I'm fifteen minutes stronger Brian. I'd rip a phone book in half, but for the life of me, I don't know anyone who uses a phone book anymore. So I'll use Meg's laptop.
(proceeds to completely destroy Meg's laptop)

Lois: Glen, we're so thrilled for you.
Brian: Yeah. Guess it didn't take much for you to get your job back, now that you're a hero.
Peter: And I'm so happy, I don't mind that I was raped in a federal prison after being arrested for hijacking!

(Peter spits tobacco on the floor)
Brian: Peter, that's disgusting. Here, spit in this cup instead.
(Peter spits in cup and puts it on the arm of the couch)
Stewie: Oh, there's my apple juice.
Brian: Stewie, wait don't-
(Flashback to Stewie beating Brian)
Stewie: Where's my money? You gonna give me my money?
(Flashback ends)
Brian: Oh, nevermind.
(Stewie drinks from the cup and starts yelling)

(Brian is taking the trash out, and hears music)
Brian: Stewie, what are you doing?
Stewie: Just gettin' my bronze on baby. Hey, what do you think of my recumbent tan pose? Huh, legs probably spread a little wider than they ought to be, but who gives a damn. This is just tan Stewie being tan Stewie. Check me out Brian.
(Stewie grabs a Tab soda from a cooler and drinks it so the label is showing, then turns to the camera and smiles)

Family Guy Quotes

Peter, are you just trying to take a knee until the end of the show? Peter that's not gonna work, you can't just --

Lois

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)