Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy

Brian: Where'd you get crack?
Peter: From Blacks.
Brian: What?
Peter: I got it from behind Blacks Hardware Store. There's a white guy selling it.

Pilot: Welcome to Ireland, we'll be landing in 5 minutes.
Peter: This is quite a country, Brian. You know Ireland has more drunks per capita than people.
Brian: Oh that's a negative stereotype. I don't think the Irish drink as much as people say they do.
(Plane lands on runway covered entirely in empty beer bottles)

Whose leg do I have to hump to get a pint of Guinness around here?

O'Brian

O'Brian: I have twenty on the fat one.
Brian and O'Brian: Which one's the fat one!? (they both laugh).

Lois: Well, he did kind of treat us like crap, but, yes, it is a tragedy.
Brian: It is a tragedy.
Lois: Excuse us.
Brian: Yeah, we'll be right back.
(Lois and Brian are in front of the house celebrating, then Brian grabs Lois' breasts and Lois punches him, then they return.)
Lois: We're all going to miss him.
Brian: Tragic.

Peter: Holy Crap! Evil Knievil gloves! I bet I could do a wheelie with these! (to Brian) How much for the gloves?
Brian: Peter, those are yours.
Peter: Ten bucks! Two! Seven! Four! Five fifty! Ten! Sold! Sucker, I would have gone to fifteen easy. (Proudly) I am so stupid.

Brian:( singing) Take to the highway, won't you lend me your name...
Stewie: Who sings that song?
Brian: James Taylor.
Stewie: Yeah, let's keep it that way.

Stewie: (while carjacking a man) GET OUT OF THE F**KING CAR! GET OUT OF THE F**KING CAR RIGHT NOW, MAN! (smashes the window)
Driver: (screaming) OH, JESUS!
Stewie: GET OUT OF THE F**KING CAR!
Driver: OH, MY GOD!!!
Stewie: DO IT! GO! DO IT OR I'LL F**KING KILL YOU!!! GET THE F**K OUT OF THE F**KING CAR!
(Brian carries the driver out of the car, then drive off as the driver leaves screaming)
Brian: Did we just carjack someone?
Stewie: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.

Brian: I mean, you are getting a little old to have a teddy bear.
Stewie: Brian, I'm one!
Brian: Still?
Stewie: What?

Adam West: Can I help you, gentlemen?
Brian: Follow that truck. (silence) Didn't you hear me? I said, "Follow that truck."
Adam West: Oh, I heard you. What I didn't hear was "please."
Brian and Stewie: (simultaneously) Please follow that truck.

Stewie: Why have you brought me to the toy store Brian?
Brian: I'm buying you another Rupert. (picks up a gorilla) Hey, this one's cute, huh? (reads label) And if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild. And if we don't they kill one, wow, these guys are really playing hardball.

(After Stewie dances, he and Brian are allowed to use a helicopter, which they fly over the mountains)
Stewie:(Over the helicopter's propellers) Brian, be careful cause the mountains are the same color as the sky!
Brian: What?
Stewie: I said be careful cause the mountains are the same color as the- WHOA!!!
Brian: What the hell was that?
Stewie: I'm practicing my comedy crash.
Brian: Well keep it down because I'm trying to-
(The helicopter is about to hit a mountain)
Brian & Stewie: WHOA!!!
(They swerve away from the mountain but the tail of their helicopter hits a cliff, causing them to hit a slope and slide down the mountain, they crash into a rock, sail out of the cockpit and hit the snowbank)
Stewie: Imagine the dance I'm gonna have to do to get our security deposit back.

Displaying quotes 157 - 168 of 324 in total

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

"That's cray cray in a good way, right there."

Cleveland Brown
× Close Ad