Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy
TV Fanatic Works Better with Prime Instant Video
40,000 other titles are available to watch now.

(Brian is taking the trash out, and hears music)
Brian: Stewie, what are you doing?
Stewie: Just gettin' my bronze on baby. Hey, what do you think of my recumbent tan pose? Huh, legs probably spread a little wider than they ought to be, but who gives a damn. This is just tan Stewie being tan Stewie. Check me out Brian.
(Stewie grabs a Tab soda from a cooler and drinks it so the label is showing, then turns to the camera and smiles)

(Brian is teaching Stewie to ballroom dance)
Brian: If you're going to make me do this, at least let me lead.
Stewie: Okay, fine. (they move close together) I love you.
Brian: What?!
Stewie: Olive juice.
Brian: "Olive juice"?
Stewie: "Olive juice" you, too!

(Stewie is standing in the mirror, peeling off his dead skin)
Brian: Ewww!
Stewie: Hey Brian, you want some Stewie jerky?

Brian: You're talking out of your ass!
Stewie: It doesn't matter Brian, I'm tan! Hey, Brian, Brian, Brian... Look at my tan walk!

O'Brian: I have twenty on the fat one.
Brian and O'Brian: Which one's the fat one!? (they both laugh).

Brian: Where'd you get crack?
Peter: From Blacks.
Brian: What?
Peter: I got it from behind Blacks Hardware Store. There's a white guy selling it.

Pilot: Welcome to Ireland, we'll be landing in 5 minutes.
Peter: This is quite a country, Brian. You know Ireland has more drunks per capita than people.
Brian: Oh that's a negative stereotype. I don't think the Irish drink as much as people say they do.
(Plane lands on runway covered entirely in empty beer bottles)

Whose leg do I have to hump to get a pint of Guinness around here?

O'Brian

Lois: Well, he did kind of treat us like crap, but, yes, it is a tragedy.
Brian: It is a tragedy.
Lois: Excuse us.
Brian: Yeah, we'll be right back.
(Lois and Brian are in front of the house celebrating, then Brian grabs Lois' breasts and Lois punches him, then they return.)
Lois: We're all going to miss him.
Brian: Tragic.

Adam West: Can I help you, gentlemen?
Brian: Follow that truck. (silence) Didn't you hear me? I said, "Follow that truck."
Adam West: Oh, I heard you. What I didn't hear was "please."
Brian and Stewie: (simultaneously) Please follow that truck.

Peter: Holy Crap! Evil Knievil gloves! I bet I could do a wheelie with these! (to Brian) How much for the gloves?
Brian: Peter, those are yours.
Peter: Ten bucks! Two! Seven! Four! Five fifty! Ten! Sold! Sucker, I would have gone to fifteen easy. (Proudly) I am so stupid.

Stewie: Why have you brought me to the toy store Brian?
Brian: I'm buying you another Rupert. (picks up a gorilla) Hey, this one's cute, huh? (reads label) And if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild. And if we don't they kill one, wow, these guys are really playing hardball.

Displaying quotes 157 - 168 of 328 in total

Family Guy Quotes

North Dakota, we're not even the best Dakota!

Peter

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley