(When at the ballet)
Brian: Boy, this is gonna be long. So, ah, you kids develop any pot connections at your school yet?
Chris: Huh?
Meg: Yeah.
Brian: Ah. Lois, Meg's just gonna take me outside to poop.

Peter: You know they say Chuck Norris is so tough, there's no chin under his beard... there is only another fist.
Brian: That's ridiculous. (Chuck Norris taps him on the back.) Chuck Norris? (A fist comes out of Chuck Norris' beard and punches Brian in the face.)

Jillian: Wait, wait, I have another question, how do I know if I'm Jewish?
Brian: Are you Jewish?
Jillian: No.
Brian: There you go sport!
Jillian: Thank you!

Brian: Lois, I'm not sure this is the right place for us. These Texans are socially backward and politically they're all stubborn as a mule.
(Cutaway)
A Mule: No sorry, Kevin Bacon wasn't in Footloose.
Guy: What!?, of course he was.
A Mule: No he wasn't, you lose.
Guy: Of course he was, he was the star.
A Mule: Nope, you're wrong. Look it up.
Guy: I don't have to look it up, it's common knowledge
A Mule: Nope..
Guy: he was on the cover
A Mule: Nope
Guy: of People Magazine
A Mule: Nope..
Guy: when the movie
A Mule: No
Guy: Everyone knows...
A Mule: No
Guy: that.
A Mule: No!..
Guy: Kevin Bacon..
A Mule: NO!
Guy: was the star
A Mule: NO!
Guy: in Footloose..
A Mule: NO!
Guy: It was a huge movie,
A Mule: NO!
Guy: he was the lead.
A Mule: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! HeeHaw! HeeHaw! HeeHaw!

Lois: Well, I got good news. I'm going to be the Church's new organist. (Both Brian and Meg talk simultaneously.)
Brian: Hey, hey, congrats.
Meg: Wow mom, that's great.
Chris: That means you'll play the organ.

Brian: Well, we got lucky. How you holding up Stewie?
Stewie: (in female clothing) Ummm, I feel right Brian. I feel right.

Brian: Can you believe that cashier's accent? "Would you like some change for you?"
Stewie: If it weren't for 9/11, they'd be adorable!

(Brian and Stewie hid in a bathroom)
Brian: We need some way of changing your appearance!
Stewie: I feel like Britney Spears. I'm standing in urine and I hate the person I'm with.

Peter: (After shocking Chris.) What the hell was that? (Shocks Chris again.) Oh my God, Lois, don't get alarmed, but, I think I might be Jesus. I'm Jesus.
Brian: Peter, that's a static shock. Your pajamas created a charge of electricity when you dragged your feet across the carpet and when you touched Chris, you passed it on.
Peter: Kneel before Christ! (Gets up, rubs feet on carpet, shocks Brian.)

Brian: Alright so we roll the dice and then we both have to yell Yahtzee really loud.
Stewie: At the same time?
Brian: Yeah and you have to flap your wrists like this. (Flapping his hands in the air.)
Stewie: And you'll do it to?
Brian: Of course, that's how it's done.
Stewie: Okay.
Brian: Alright, ready?
Stewie: Okay, you going to do it with me?
Brian: Oh yeah.
Stewie: (After Brian throws the dice, screams and flaps his hands.) Yahtzee!
Brian: Gay.
Stewie: You suck!

Brian: (After being shocked by Peter.) Damn it Peter, stop it! I got to tell you, you're pissing me off worse when I watched the OJ verdict with my old roommate. (Cuts to scene where Brian and his roommate are watching TV.)
TV Announcer: We, the jury, find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty. (Roommate says "Yes!" while Brian says "What the hell?" simultaneously. There is a moment of silence.)
Brian and Roommate: (simultaneously) What? (They both take out guns and aim at each other.)
Brian: Maybe we should get new roommates.
Roommate: Yeah, maybe we should.

(Brian is sitting on the toilet)
Lois: Well, look at you using the toilet. I am so proud of you.
Brian: Hey, well you deserve all the praise for encouraging me to do it.
Lois: Well still, good for you.
(Lois leaves, and Stewie enters)
Stewie: So, where are you really doin' your business?
Brian: Oh, I found a place.
(Scene cuts to Adam West's mansion, he walks near some bushes
Adam West: Well I'll be damned, and they called me crazy; "You can't plant sausage seeds" they said, well look at this!

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Meg: Do you like Coldplay?
Tobey: Am I a dull white guy? Yes, I like Coldplay!