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Family-guy

Sorry, that was the booze not you. (pauses) You going to eat that?

Brian

(Telephone rings)
Brian: Hello? Oh hey Jillian, what's up?
Jillian: Brian, are you coming over to watch Laguna Beach tonight?
Brian: Uh, what time does it start?
Jillian: Ten o'clock, Eastern and Specific Time.
Brian: What? What did you say? Specific Time? Don't you mean Pacific Time?
Jillian: No I think it's called Specific Time. They mean it starts specifically at 10:00.
(Stewie laughing)
Brian: Stewie, are you on the line?
Stewie: Yes.
Brian: Jillian, I'll talk to you later.

Brian: Aw, I'm sure you'll find someone to go with you.
Meg: No I won't. I'm so fat and gross.
Brian: Aw...
Meg: I should just kill myself.
Brian: Aw... That's... come on.
Meg: I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna kill myself 'cause no one will go with me.
(runs to kitchen)
Brian: Aw...
(Meg opens drawer and rummages for a knife)
Meg, stop it. Come on.
(Meg takes out a knife)
All right, all right. Meg, look...

Brian: You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
Connie: Excuse me?
Meg: Brian, let's just go.
Brian: No, no, no, no, no. Now hang on... hang on, Meg, hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started putting out when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So, you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19, you're going to be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your step-dad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark?
(Connie cries and runs)

Lois: Oh Brian, it is so nice of you to take Meg to this dance. It really means a lot to her.
Brian: Ya got any weed?
Lois: I put it in your coat pocket.

Meg: We should totally be boyfriend and girlfriend.
Brian: Well, Meg, uh, you know what's strange? I-I-I think I might be gay. Um, I-I saw this penis on the Internet today and I thought to myself, "Well, that's... that's just fine."

Stewie: Ooh, let me have some of that Cool Hwhip.
Brian: What'd you say?
Stewie: You can't have a pie without Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Hwhip?
Stewie: Cool Hwhip, yeah.
Brian: You mean Cool Whip.
Stewie: Yeah, Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the H?
Stewie: What are you talking about? I'm just saying it. Cool Hwhip. You put Cool Hwhip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Say whip.
Stewie: Whip.
Brian: Now say Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: You're eating hair!
(Stewie spits out pie)

Meg: Oh, just relax. We're going to be here for a hwhile.
Brian: Well, I don't know if... Wait. What?
Meg: We're going to be here for a hwhile.
Brian: A hwhile?
Meg: Yeah, a hwhile.
Brian: You mean a while.
Meg: A hwhile.
Brian: A while.
Meg: A hwhile.
Brian: A while.
Meg: A hwhile.
Brian: A while.
Meg: Brian, you're acting hweird.
Brian: Oh, come on. That one doesn't even have an H in it.

Meg: I'm going to the mall later, (Provocatively) maybe you can come and help pick out some underwear?
Brian: Uh, I don't think that's going to be a possibility...uh, I have...plans, um (Chris walks in) with Chris! Chris and I uh, have plans this afternoon.
Chris: We do?
Brian: Yeah, yeah we're doing that, thing. We're doing what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon.
Chris: Masturbate?
Brian: That's it, that's what we're going to do together.
Chris: Well, maybe back to back, but I got to tell ya, I'm not a hundred percent on this.

(Brian and Lois are downstairs awaiting Meg to come down so Brian and Meg can go to the dance)(Stewie and Meg walk down the stairs)Stewie: Here she is, Brian I present to you your polish turd for the evening.Meg: How do I look Brian?Brian: Ahhhhhh.....you sure do Meg.

(Stewie sitting at the table the morning after Meg's dance)(Brian walks in hung over)Stewie: Oh yes, the day can begin, good morning Brian. Now we can do this one of two ways, I can bust your balls to pieces right now, or we could spread it out over the course of the day.Brian: I don't want to talk about it.Stewie: Well I do, so tell me everything that happened at the dance.(Meg walks in and starts scratching Brian's ears)Meg: Morning cutie..Brian: H-h-hey(Meg walks off and pours herself a glass of orange juice)Meg: I had so much fun last night Brian. Hey I thought maybe we could go get some coffee later.Brian: Uh..I..I don't think so.Meg: Oh come on, who's a good boy? Who's a good boy huh? Who's a good boy?Brian: (wagging tail) Me...Meg: Oh yes, yes, yes who's a good boy?Brian: (continues wagging tail) I am, i'm a good boy...(stops wagging tail) uh...no no no...look..I..I..I..I got stuff to do today. Alright? Sorry..

(Brian, Meg and Stewie arrive at the mall to meet Meg's friends)Meg: (to her friends) Everyone, this is Brian.Friend 1: Ohh, this is Brian.Friend 3: He does look like Ben Affleck.Friend 2: He looks just like Ben Affleck.Friend 4: Is that Ben Affleck?Brian: (uninterested) Hey.Friend 4: So, how did you guys meet?Brian: I'm...uh...a friend of her dads.Friend 2: Oooh, he's older.Friend 1: He's cute.Friend 3: Do you have a brother?Friend 4: Makeup and stickers and ponies and myspace.com

Displaying quotes 169 - 180 of 324 in total

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley
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