Family Guy

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Brian:( singing) Take to the highway, won't you lend me your name...
Stewie: Who sings that song?
Brian: James Taylor.
Stewie: Yeah, let's keep it that way.

Brian: I mean, you are getting a little old to have a teddy bear.
Stewie: Brian, I'm one!
Brian: Still?
Stewie: What?

Stewie: (while carjacking a man) GET OUT OF THE F**KING CAR! GET OUT OF THE F**KING CAR RIGHT NOW, MAN! (smashes the window)
Driver: (screaming) OH, JESUS!
Stewie: GET OUT OF THE F**KING CAR!
Driver: OH, MY GOD!!!
Stewie: DO IT! GO! DO IT OR I'LL F**KING KILL YOU!!! GET THE F**K OUT OF THE F**KING CAR!
(Brian carries the driver out of the car, then drive off as the driver leaves screaming)
Brian: Did we just carjack someone?
Stewie: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.

(After Stewie dances, he and Brian are allowed to use a helicopter, which they fly over the mountains)
Stewie:(Over the helicopter's propellers) Brian, be careful cause the mountains are the same color as the sky!
Brian: What?
Stewie: I said be careful cause the mountains are the same color as the- WHOA!!!
Brian: What the hell was that?
Stewie: I'm practicing my comedy crash.
Brian: Well keep it down because I'm trying to-
(The helicopter is about to hit a mountain)
Brian & Stewie: WHOA!!!
(They swerve away from the mountain but the tail of their helicopter hits a cliff, causing them to hit a slope and slide down the mountain, they crash into a rock, sail out of the cockpit and hit the snowbank)
Stewie: Imagine the dance I'm gonna have to do to get our security deposit back.

Stewie: Ooh, let me have some of that Cool Hwhip.
Brian: What'd you say?
Stewie: You can't have a pie without Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Hwhip?
Stewie: Cool Hwhip, yeah.
Brian: You mean Cool Whip.
Stewie: Yeah, Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: You're saying it weird. Why are you putting so much emphasis on the H?
Stewie: What are you talking about? I'm just saying it. Cool Hwhip. You put Cool Hwhip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Say whip.
Stewie: Whip.
Brian: Now say Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: You're eating hair!
(Stewie spits out pie)

Meg: Oh, just relax. We're going to be here for a hwhile.
Brian: Well, I don't know if... Wait. What?
Meg: We're going to be here for a hwhile.
Brian: A hwhile?
Meg: Yeah, a hwhile.
Brian: You mean a while.
Meg: A hwhile.
Brian: A while.
Meg: A hwhile.
Brian: A while.
Meg: A hwhile.
Brian: A while.
Meg: Brian, you're acting hweird.
Brian: Oh, come on. That one doesn't even have an H in it.

Meg: I'm going to the mall later, (Provocatively) maybe you can come and help pick out some underwear?
Brian: Uh, I don't think that's going to be a possibility...uh, I have...plans, um (Chris walks in) with Chris! Chris and I uh, have plans this afternoon.
Chris: We do?
Brian: Yeah, yeah we're doing that, thing. We're doing what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon.
Chris: Masturbate?
Brian: That's it, that's what we're going to do together.
Chris: Well, maybe back to back, but I got to tell ya, I'm not a hundred percent on this.

(Brian and Lois are downstairs awaiting Meg to come down so Brian and Meg can go to the dance)(Stewie and Meg walk down the stairs)Stewie: Here she is, Brian I present to you your polish turd for the evening.Meg: How do I look Brian?Brian: Ahhhhhh.....you sure do Meg.

(Stewie sitting at the table the morning after Meg's dance)(Brian walks in hung over)Stewie: Oh yes, the day can begin, good morning Brian. Now we can do this one of two ways, I can bust your balls to pieces right now, or we could spread it out over the course of the day.Brian: I don't want to talk about it.Stewie: Well I do, so tell me everything that happened at the dance.(Meg walks in and starts scratching Brian's ears)Meg: Morning cutie..Brian: H-h-hey(Meg walks off and pours herself a glass of orange juice)Meg: I had so much fun last night Brian. Hey I thought maybe we could go get some coffee later.Brian: Uh..I..I don't think so.Meg: Oh come on, who's a good boy? Who's a good boy huh? Who's a good boy?Brian: (wagging tail) Me...Meg: Oh yes, yes, yes who's a good boy?Brian: (continues wagging tail) I am, i'm a good boy...(stops wagging tail) uh...no no no...look..I..I..I..I got stuff to do today. Alright? Sorry..

(Brian, Meg and Stewie arrive at the mall to meet Meg's friends)Meg: (to her friends) Everyone, this is Brian.Friend 1: Ohh, this is Brian.Friend 3: He does look like Ben Affleck.Friend 2: He looks just like Ben Affleck.Friend 4: Is that Ben Affleck?Brian: (uninterested) Hey.Friend 4: So, how did you guys meet?Brian: I'm...uh...a friend of her dads.Friend 2: Oooh, he's older.Friend 1: He's cute.Friend 3: Do you have a brother?Friend 4: Makeup and stickers and ponies and myspace.com

Brian: Look, you obviously didn't hear me yesterday, so I'll explain it again. And here to assist me is headmaster of the New York School for the Hard-of-Hearing, Mr. Garrett Morris.
(a live-action shot of Garrett Morris appears between the two)
Brian: Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend.
Garrett: (shouts) We're not boyfriend and girlfriend!
Brian: I will never be attracted to you.
Garrett: I will never be attracted to you!
Brian: You're acting like a psycho bitch.
Garrett: You're acting like a psycho bitch!
Brian: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Garrett: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!
(Brian leaves)
Meg: I won't be ignored, Brian!
Garrett: (looks at her) Hmm. I like your ass.

Brian: The thing is, Meg is becoming a little enamored with me, and I'm kind of losing control of the situation.Lois: Oh she's just grateful you took her to the dance.Brain: Well, uhhh, I..I think its more than that..uhh..so here's the thing..and don't get mad and that part I can't stress enough, that's a great shirt by the way...ummm I may have made out with Meg..(Lois pauses then punches Brian)Brian: (rubbing his nose) Ok I had that coming.Lois: (furious) What the hell is wrong with you, you sick bastard!Brian: (getting to his feet) Look I was drinking..Lois: (sarcastically) Ohhh, what a shock!Brian: (sarcastic laugh) Look the short version is, this morning she made me eat the hair in her pie..(Lois punches Brian again)Brian: (getting up from the ground) No its not what you think, Stewie had some too..(Lois punches Brian again)Brian: (annoyed) Stop punching me!

Displaying quotes 169 - 180 of 328 in total

Family Guy Quotes

North Dakota, we're not even the best Dakota!

Peter

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley