(Brian is taking the trash out, and hears music)
Brian: Stewie, what are you doing?
Stewie: Just gettin' my bronze on baby. Hey, what do you think of my recumbent tan pose? Huh, legs probably spread a little wider than they ought to be, but who gives a damn. This is just tan Stewie being tan Stewie. Check me out Brian.
(Stewie grabs a Tab soda from a cooler and drinks it so the label is showing, then turns to the camera and smiles)

Whose leg do I have to hump to get a pint of Guinness around here?

O'Brian

Pilot: Welcome to Ireland, we'll be landing in 5 minutes.
Peter: This is quite a country, Brian. You know Ireland has more drunks per capita than people.
Brian: Oh that's a negative stereotype. I don't think the Irish drink as much as people say they do.
(Plane lands on runway covered entirely in empty beer bottles)

O'Brian: I have twenty on the fat one.
Brian and O'Brian: Which one's the fat one!? (they both laugh).

Brian: Where'd you get crack?
Peter: From Blacks.
Brian: What?
Peter: I got it from behind Blacks Hardware Store. There's a white guy selling it.

Lois: Well, he did kind of treat us like crap, but, yes, it is a tragedy.
Brian: It is a tragedy.
Lois: Excuse us.
Brian: Yeah, we'll be right back.
(Lois and Brian are in front of the house celebrating, then Brian grabs Lois' breasts and Lois punches him, then they return.)
Lois: We're all going to miss him.
Brian: Tragic.

Stewie: (while carjacking a man) GET OUT OF THE F**KING CAR! GET OUT OF THE F**KING CAR RIGHT NOW, MAN! (smashes the window)
Driver: (screaming) OH, JESUS!
Stewie: GET OUT OF THE F**KING CAR!
Driver: OH, MY GOD!!!
Stewie: DO IT! GO! DO IT OR I'LL F**KING KILL YOU!!! GET THE F**K OUT OF THE F**KING CAR!
(Brian carries the driver out of the car, then drive off as the driver leaves screaming)
Brian: Did we just carjack someone?
Stewie: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.

Adam West: Can I help you, gentlemen?
Brian: Follow that truck. (silence) Didn't you hear me? I said, "Follow that truck."
Adam West: Oh, I heard you. What I didn't hear was "please."
Brian and Stewie: (simultaneously) Please follow that truck.

Brian: I mean, you are getting a little old to have a teddy bear.
Stewie: Brian, I'm one!
Brian: Still?
Stewie: What?

Stewie: Why have you brought me to the toy store Brian?
Brian: I'm buying you another Rupert. (picks up a gorilla) Hey, this one's cute, huh? (reads label) And if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild. And if we don't they kill one, wow, these guys are really playing hardball.

Brian:( singing) Take to the highway, won't you lend me your name...
Stewie: Who sings that song?
Brian: James Taylor.
Stewie: Yeah, let's keep it that way.

Peter: Holy Crap! Evil Knievil gloves! I bet I could do a wheelie with these! (to Brian) How much for the gloves?
Brian: Peter, those are yours.
Peter: Ten bucks! Two! Seven! Four! Five fifty! Ten! Sold! Sucker, I would have gone to fifteen easy. (Proudly) I am so stupid.

Family Guy Quotes

I forgot Yelp was a weapon for dumb people, you taught me something today Brian.

Stewie

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)