Sgt. Angryman: Congratulations men, you've all passed basic training. I'm proud to call you soldiers. I'm sure you'll do your country proud tomorrow when you are all shipped off, to Iraq.
Brian: What!?
Stewie: Oh don't worry, I'm sure he means Fraggle-Iraq.

(Stewie and Brian begin kissing in order to get thrown out of the Army)
Stewie: Wow, look at how gay we are! I am so gay with my gayness!
Brian: Me, too! I'm...I'm a homo.
Army Guy: Any room for one more?
Stewie: Hell yeah!
(Brian smacks Stewie)

Stewie: Brian, did you see Revenge of the Sith?
Brian: Yeah, I saw part of it.
Stewie: Why does Emperor Palpatine have a desk?
Brian: Huh?
Stewie: In that scene where Yoda comes in and they're about to have that big fight, Emperor Palpatine clearly gets up from his desk. I'm just saying, what does he...what does he need a desk for?
Brian: Who the hell cares?
Stewie: I'm just saying, it's weird. I mean, like, what was he doing at his desk right before Yoda walked in? What was he doing? Was he doing paperwork? Was he, like, "Uh Yoda, what do you need, and will it take longer than five minutes? I'm absolutely swamped. These requisition forms for new TIE fighters have to be down to Debbie in accounting by six or Nute Gunray is gonna pitch a tent in my waiting room."

Lois: So how was work today, Meg?
Peter: (blows raspberry)
Lois: Peter, you lost your job because of the superstore. You shouldn't blame Meg.
Peter: (blows raspberry)
Lois: And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says 'Meg.'
Peter: (blows raspberry)
Brian: So how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg?
Peter: (blows raspberry)
Chris: (laughs) Meg!
Peter: (blows raspberry)
Chris: Meg!
Peter: (blows raspberry)
Chris: Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg!
Peter: (blows raspberries)
Chris: (whispers) Meg!
Peter: (blows silent raspberry)
Meg: I'm not gonna sit here and take this! I'm the only one in this family that has a job!
Peter: (whispers something in Brian's ear)
Brian: (chuckles) Yeah, like she'd get paid for that.
Meg: (to Brian) What did he just say to you?!
Brian: Nothing. It's like-- There was-- Forget it. It's nothing, Meg.
Peter: (blows raspberry)

Stewie: Spit on me.
(Brian spits on him)
Stewie: (sighs) That's nice. Now tell me I'm scum.
Brian: How will that cool you off?
Stewie: Hmmm?

Brian: Well it seems everything worked out for the best, Meg.
Peter: (Blows rasberry)
Chris: Ha!Ha!Haa! Meg!
Peter: (Blows raspberry)
Chris: Meg!
Peter: (Blows raspberry)
Chris: Meg!
Peter: (Rasberry noise without him sticking out his tongue) ...Pardon me. (gets up and walk away)

Brian: (teasing) Stewie loves Lois.
Stewie: Brian loves Olympia Dukakis.
Brian: Oh, yeah I do.

Brian: I'm going to prove to you that there is no such thing as someone that is psychic and that with the most minimal training and the right set of buzz words, anyone can appear to be psychic, even a complete boob like Peter. Watch this.
Peter: Excuse me, ma'am. I'm psychic and I'm getting a strong feeling from you. Do you have a watch or clock that no longer works?
Woman: Wow. I used to have a watch that broke!
Brian: You see just by asking very general questions that would apply to most people, a person can appear to have inside knowledge about you.
Peter: I'm also sensing that you have a dead relative.
Woman: My husband died of cancer last year.
Peter: Oh my god, awesome. I'm sensing some other bad stuff.
Woman: My daughter was just in an accident.
Peter: Sweet! High five!
Woman: You're awful.
Peter: You don't want to hear the truth, don't come to the park.

Brian: Having sex with Quagmire is inevitable, like a fat guy ordering dessert when everyone else wants to leave.
Waiter: Would anyone like dessert?
Man: I couldn't eat another thing.
Woman: I gotta get home for the sitter.
Fat Man: I'll have the souffle.
Waiter: That takes 45 minutes.
Fat Man: That's okay.

Brian: What the hell is all this?
Peter: Well I'm a bachelor so now I invited a bunch of people over and now I'm waiting for them to leave. That's what bachelors do.

Stewie [watching Lawrence of Arabia]: Who's that rather attractive woman on a camel?
Brian: That's Peter O'Toole.
Peter: You movie buffs might likes this, both of his names are slang for penis.

Brian: (in heaven) Look at me, hanging out with Ernest Hemmingway, Vincent Van Gogh and Kurt Cobain. But it does seem like we all ended up here earlier then we should have.
Hemmingway: Well, I finally collapsed under the weight of my own genius, and shot myself.
Van Gogh: I couldn't reconcile my passion with the way people around me were living, so I shot myself.
Cobain: I couldn't stand the idea of my music becoming some bland corporate tool, so I shot myself.
Brian: Yeah, I... got into the garbage and ate some chocolate.

Family Guy Quotes

Aunt Margarite [on her video will]: Lois, you were always my favorite niece; I just knew you would find a wonderful man who would make all your dreams come true. But I was wrong.
Peter: And now you're dead. Score one for Peter

But now that you mention it, your face looks like a used condom.

Quagmire