Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXBrian Griffin Quotes
Brian: I can't believe our society values the life of a dog less than a human. It's infuriating.
Stewie: That is infuriating. Maybe you should go bark at a tree and then chew on your balls for an hour.
I'm not proud of this, but i'm gonna have to lick that up.
Brian [about robot Miley Cyrus]: You think she does other things like a real girl, if you reprogram her?
Stewie: Brian's that sick. She's 16
Brian: I'm 8
Stewie: You're right, I'll see what I can do
Brian: This is my friend Stewie. He's just a baby and he's your biggest fan. And he has cancer
Miley Cyrus: Oh my god, really?
Brian: Yeah he has a tumor in his head the size of a football
Miley Cyrus: Yeah I think I can see it
Brian: You are really pretty
Girl at Bar: Thanks
Brian: You know, uh, I wrote a book
Girl at Bar: What's that?
Brian: It's like a long magazine
Girl at Bar: Huh?
Brian: It's like the Internet made out of a tree
Girl at Bar: Oh, weird. You want to have sex in the bathroom?
Brian: Oh gosh, what a treat, yes I would like that
Lois: My God I can't even react big enough. Here's Mrs. Garret
Mrs. Garret: Whaaat!?
Brian: If my happiness means so little to you that you have Charlotte Rae just standing by to crack a joke then you disappoint me
Brian [about Rita]: Well you met her, what did you think?
Lois: What do I think? She's a 100! Peter, did you see her?
Peter: I'm looking at her now. I can see her from the window up here. Did anyone make a Jessica Tandy joke yet?
Lois: No!
Peter: Awesome! I'll be right down
Chris [to Brian]: Who are you dating, Jessica Tandy?
Peter: Sonuvabitch! Damnit Chris, I called that from upstairs
Peter: Hey aren't you that chick from the bathroom door?
Brian: Come on Peter, she doesn't want to talk about work
Peter: What's it like in there?
Bathroom Woman Logo: I assume it's how it's like in the men's room
Peter: Oh there's a long trough with a big poo in it?
Rita: Is that your condom?
Brian: No, I mean I wasn't gonna use that on your daughter. I would not use a condom on your daughter. I mean I would if i was having sex with her, which I obviously would not do. I'm safe and all. I get AIDS test every three months. It's not because I have a lot of sex. I eat a lot of poo off the streets
Stewie: Yes! I'm going to wow her tonight Rupert, I'm going to be cooler than Brian when he hangs out at the bowling alley.
Brian: That's what I love about high school girls... I keep geting older, they stay the same age, hehehe, yes they do, yes they do...
I guess you can't judge a Brooke by her cover. [Laughs] You can cut that out right? Oh, and maybe you can cut out when I said junk earlier, the whole Chevy Chase thing. Seems like he's probably the kind of guy that would sue, he's gotta have no money left
Brian: Uh, Peter according to this you're not a genius. In fact you're mentally retarded.
Peter: Oh yeah? Well would a mentally retarded guy have hired a bulldozer with a drunk driver to level half of his house in celebration of his fantastic test results?
Brian: Uh, maybe.
Peter: Oh
