Brian: Excuse me Mr. Hemingway. Can I have a beer with you?
Ernest Hemingway: Sure, I love life and all the people in it.
Brian: Thanks and, as a fellow writer, I'd love to talk to you about your craft God if only we can get rid of these damn arms and attach the pen directly to the heart.....
[Hemingway shoots himself]

Stewie Also, I gave the string quartet the music for highway to the danger zone
Brian: You have the sheet music for highway to the danger zone?
Stewie: Uh, yeah, that's all I keep in here. It's power bars and sheet music

Stewie: Boy this must be killing you. You're an atheist, and the one guy you don't believe in is getting to bang the woman of your dreams.
Brain: I don't have to take this! I'm out of here. Can you let me out?

Peter: Jesus, we're going to help you lose your virginity!
Quagmire: Oh god! I love sex!

Joe: Sex is overrated.
Peter: Stay out of this Joe.

Hey, its Thanksgiving. Shouldn't you be in Detroit losing a football game right about now.

Brian: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter: Playing Unga Bunga. It's the championship.
Stewie: Go away! This is why Zillow estimates our house at $4.

Stewie: Are you blood brothers with Meg because you ate her tampon out of the trash?
Brian: No, that, that's something else.

Apollo: I was booked for three hours by "Archibald Meatpants."
Brian: He's...he's dead.
Apollo: Well, either way, I'm getting paid and somebody's getting torn open.

Thank God we're finally here. Kind of weird that they showed Flight 93 on Flight 93.

Brian: Oh my god, Stewie, it worked! We're in Vegas!
Stewie: Yeah, alright! Let's go to the hospital, get checked for teleportation cancer, and then party!

Peter: Shut up, Meg!
Lois: Peter!
Chris: Dad!
Brian: You're back!
Meg: [dejectedly] Yay.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley