I'm the ass kicking clown that will twist you like a balloon animal!

We'll be on her like white on rice... which might sound racist because we're white and she, presumably, like rice.

Cameron: I remember once at a New Year's Eve party, stroke of midnight, he high-fived me. Two problems with that: One, gays don't high five. Two, gays don't high five.

If an accident does happen, I hope he kills me, because I don't think I would be a very inspiring disabled person.

You're going to find somebody because you're an amazing girl Katie, you're the whole package, I just prefer someone who has one.

She looks like she was dipped in glue and dragged through a flea market.

Cam [about Lily]

Well, my white-man name is Tucker. I am 1/16 Cherokee. Ready for child to soar like eagle.

You win an Oscar. You buy a Golden Globe.

Pepper: I feel like a joke.
Cam: You're not a joke. You're Pepper Salzman!

Cam: I'm playing a drinking game. It's called everytime I feel depressed about something, I take a drink.
Mitchell: That's already a game. It's called alcoholism.

Mitchell: Ahhh we have been together for, guh, five-- five years now? And uh we-- we just decided that we really wanted to have a baby. So we initially asked one of our lesbian friends to be a surrogate but--
Cameron: Then we figured, they're already mean enough, can you imagine one of them pregnant?
Mitchell: Don't think so.
Cameron: No thank you, ick!

Cameron: It would be like Lewis telling Clark that he didn't like to walk. Sidenote: We're very good friends with a couple named Lewis and Clark. Clark bought a big sparkly belt in New Orleans that he calls his Louisiana Purchase.