Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy
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God, it's good to be old and nude.

Magic baby? What does he do? Card tricks? Rabbit in the hat? Will he let someone in the audience punch him in the stomach? I'd like to punch a baby in the stomach.

Carter: The government wants to tell you how many children you can have!
Herbert: What? No!

Peter: "And tell the African-American elevator employee that he can stop wearing gloves."
Carter: "Why don't you just tell him that he can sleep with my wife too!"

Carter: "Hey Quandry."
Quagmire: "No, no it's Quagmire."

Carter: If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed.
Chris: Oh yea? You and what lightning hands?

Good luck. I hope you like weird boobs.

Now let's kiss while the camera pans over to the drapes.

Carter: What's going on here?
Peter: We're taking what's ours! Actually, we're taking what's yours, but we don't think you deserve it, so we're calling it ours and taking it!

Chris (Luke): One of these days, I'm just gonna take off and join the Rebellion whether you like it or not.
Barbara Pewterschmidt (Aunt Beru): Over my burnt carcass.

Chris, welcome to the Skull and Bones Society. This is where the most powerful men in the world are groomed for their futures. Every president, every CEO, every douchebag named Ryan Seacrest.

Carter Pewterschmidt: Sorry Master Herbert.
Herbert: Sorry? You better get your ass in that closet Pewterschmidt.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Yes sir. (walks to the closet)
Herbert: I am so tired of you.

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