Favorite Charlie Harper Quotes
Charlie: Sure you don't want a drink?
Alan: Nah, when I'm depressed alcohol just makes me feel worse
Charlie: Yeah, same. The trick is to drink past that. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon
Alan: (talking about Milly's mom) She seems nice. Who is she?
Charlie: I have no freaking idea.
Jake: I'll tell you who she is, the grandmother of my children.
The day you start accepting limitations is the day you start dying, and I am not dying, my friend. I am living life to the fullest. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go throw up and take a nap
Charlie: I think she punched my right nut into my ribcage.
Evelyn: Poor baby. Want me to take a look?
Charlie: No thanks.
Evelyn: I have seen them before. I'd imagine they're hanging a lot lower now.
Charlie: Right back at you mom.
Evelyn: Touche, darling.
Prostitue: What kind of sex does charlie want?
Charlie: Oh i get to choose? It's kind of like Baskin Robbins. You know if they charged $1,000 a scoop.
There are no such things as small frightened women. That's a myth, perpetrated by the large angry women who secretly run the world!
Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie, you want to dance with me?
Charlie: Hey, Jake, want to live in a foster home?
Jake: Sometimes.
Charlie: Don't sass me, boy. I'll take the switch to you.
Russell: Want a codeine popsicle? It's my own invention.
Charlie: I think we're good.
Russell: You suck on one of these, you'll be great. I call it, "springtime on a stick."
Jake: You're cheap.
Alan: I'm not cheap. I'm broke. There's a difference.
Charlie: He was cheap long before he was broke.
Charlie: Rose was in my bedroom because she was tired.
Jake: Uncle Charlie, I'm an underachiever, not an idiot
Mia: Charlie, I came here because... Well... I want your sperm.
Charlie: All right, where do you want it?
Alan: This might have been the worst date of my life.
Charlie: Did she dress you in a leather bustier and tie you to a bed?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Did she super glue a model car to your balls?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Did she talk you into trying on one of mom's dresses while she stole your wallet?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Then this wasn't even your worst date this month.
Alan: No, I suppose. And thanks for the highlight reel, by the way.
