Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

My name is Charlie, and, um, my maid says I'm a sex addict

Charlie: Okay, Mom, I guess I'll see you at the wedding.
Evelyn: Charlie, the wedding is not for six months.
Charlie: Yeah, but it's bad luck to see the bride beforehand.

Charlie: What time?
Alan: Eight.
Charlie: O'clock?
Alan: No, degrees

Charlie: You want to sell me a car now?
Courtney: Or, I could go downstairs.
Charlie: You wouldn't?
Courtney: I would.
Charlie: Wait a minute. You planned this. You knew they were coming over today.
Courtney: Well, a good salesman pays attention!

Berta: Here's your suit.
Charlie: Thanks.
Berta: The dry cleaners found $46 and a condom in the pocket of your coat. Here's the condom.
Charlie: Again, thanks.
Berta: Can I give you free advice?
Charlie: "Free?" I'm already out 46 dollars

Charlie: (about Jake) I'll bet you're sorry you took all that LSD before you had him.
Alan: I never took any LSD!
Charlie: You might want to start telling people you did.

Charlie: Why'd you change your friggin hair?
Alan: My girlfriend asked me to.
Charlie: If your new girlfriend asked you to jump off a bridge, would you?
Alan: If she put her tongue in my mouth while she asked me...
Charlie: I can't blame you. I once bought a woman a car for the same reason.
Alan: She put her tongue in your mouth?
Charlie: Sure. Let's say mouth.

Charlie: The good news is that we're both really clean.
Courtney: Inside and out. Shall we go upstairs and get dirty again?
Charlie: I'm right behind you.
Courtney: What else is new?

Alan: (Charlie makes fun of Alan's bicycling outfit) Excuse me, this is what they wear in the Tour de France.
Charlie: (referring to his French one night stand) Alan, I just took the Tour de France, and the only thing I was wearing was a smile and a condom.

Charlie: You can use this.
Lulu: Nasal spray... thank you, Charlie, that's so thoughtful.
Charlie: Well, you are gonna need to breathe through your nose.

Face it, Alan. When the good Lord was handing out courage, you were crouched in a locker, peein' on your gym socks.

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Women reject me for 100 different reasons. White teeth would reduce that to 99 problems.

Alan