Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Berta: End of era, huh charlie?
Charlie: Yep. From now on, no brother, no nephew. Just the sounds of the ocean punctuated by the soft voices of prostitutes lying about the enormity of my sexual organ.
Berta: You do know how to paint a picture
Charlie: What can I say, i have the heart of a poet.
Berta: Unfortunately the rest of you is a drunken scumbag

Evelyn: And I want an unadorned headstone that reads simply, "Evelyn Harper: Loving wife, devoted mother."
Charlie: That's good. Open with a joke

Alan: This rat has quit the race.
Charlie: Good for you.
Alan: This hamster is off the treadmill.
Charlie: Glad to hear it.
Alan: This squirrel is satisfied with the nuts he has.
Charlie: No comment.

Mia: How old is your nephew?
Charlie: I don't know, eleven? Twelve? It's hard to tell, he has a big head

Alan: The first thousand miles is the break-in period. You're not supposed to go over 65.
Charlie: Well, then go 65.
Alan: The speed limit is 60! You want me to get a ticket?
Charlie: Alan, you're driving an expensive red sports car. If you're not getting tickets and tail you might as well take the bus... which, by the way, just passed us

Charlie: I'm gonna leave this world the way I came in.
Alan: By Caesarean section?
Charlie: Alone.

Charlie: Don't underestimate the value of having a prescription pad lying around the house.
Alan: Charlie!!!
Charlie: In case someone gets sick...or bored

Chelsea: You didn't tell your mom we were engaged?
Charlie: If she didn't sell me the house, she wouldn't know where I lived

Alan: I spent 12 years of my life watching my wife fake migraines and orgasms.
Charlie: I'd go with the migraine.

I'm drunk in bed with my brother and you want to know why I don't want to watch porn?

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Alan: What's the forecast?
Charlie: High tonight, low tomorrow, 100% chance of hangover.