Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Yeah, hi. I'm watching your commercial cash for gold and you just showed a woman selling her wedding ring for $500. No, I don't want to sell gold, I want to meet her. She's hot and we know her marriage isn't working out.

Betsy: He's really something.
Charlie: Oh, yeah, he's really something. The question is what

I saw your commercial for the shake weight. My brother does basically the same thing in the shower every night. He has absolutely no muscle definition in his arms.

Alan: (Charlie makes fun of Alan's bicycling outfit) Excuse me, this is what they wear in the Tour de France.
Charlie: (referring to his French one night stand) Alan, I just took the Tour de France, and the only thing I was wearing was a smile and a condom.

Miss Pasternak: Charlie Harper?
Charlie: (looking around) Where? He owes me money!

Charlie: (about Jake) I'll bet you're sorry you took all that LSD before you had him.
Alan: I never took any LSD!
Charlie: You might want to start telling people you did.

Charlie: Linda's spending time with her son tonight. Apparently, she's one of these single moms that puts her kid first.
Alan: The bitch!

Charlie: I'm good genetic material, you know, easy on the eyes, and she wants to raise the kid alone which fits nicely into my lifestyle.
Alan: Charlie, drinking, gambling and casual sex is not a lifestyle

Charlie: A woman's much more relaxed and comfortable in her own surroundings. Plus, the minute she falls asleep, I can hit the bricks.
Alan: That's lovely. It's a shame you don't work for Hallmark.
Charlie: Yeah, I'll bet those guys get laid like crazy.

You usually grab my ass like you're holding a tree trunk in a hurricane. This time it was more like you were palming a couple cantaloupe at the supermarket.

Whew.. whew... look, Prudence, this just can't happen. I mean you're very nice and pretty, but in prison, so am I

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Yeah, hi. I'm watching your commercial cash for gold and you just showed a woman selling her wedding ring for $500. No, I don't want to sell gold, I want to meet her. She's hot and we know her marriage isn't working out.

Charlie