Popular Charlie Harper Quotes
Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.
Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.
Jamie [to Alan]: You can never have this. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!
Charlie: Well, I guess we know why she's still single.
Jeweler: Well, um, tell me something about [Evelyn]. What does she like?
Charlie: Hurting people!
Alan: Charlie... (back to the jeweler) It's a little hard to answer that because we have a bit of a strained relationship.
Jeweler: Oh, so you'd like to find a gift that would help bring you closer together.
Charlie and Alan: (shaking their heads and hands) Oh, no no... no.
Alan: Before we got here, this was just a big empty space where you just sat around, got drunk, and had casual sex with women you don't even care about. There was no love, no family, and no meaning.
Charlie: There's a word for that, Alan: Utopia.
Evelyn: And I want an unadorned headstone that reads simply, "Evelyn Harper: Loving wife, devoted mother."
Charlie: That's good. Open with a joke
Dr. Freeman: So, Charlie, I haven't seen you in a while. What's up?
Charlie: Why does something have to be up? Can't I just drop by and say hello?
Dr. Freeman: For three hundred and fifty dollars an hour you can say anything you want
Charlie: You're angry and resentful. But what you need to understand is that resentment is the mortar that holds the bricks of loneliness together in a wall of alienation and despair. Chapter 3, "Knocking Down the Wall".
Alan: Bite me. That's Chapter 1 in my forthcoming book entitled, Bite Me. Chapter 2 is called "Kiss My Pale White Ass".
Alan: Apparently, the earthquake hit Sherman Oaks a lot harder than Malibu.
Charlie: What earthquake?
Alan: What earthquake? About an hour ago. You didn't feel the house shaking?
Alan: Unbelievable, you actually though that was you?
Charlie: No, I thought it was her, you know, because of me. The good news is, unless they report it on Polish TV I still get the credit
Lydia: That was a great shower.
Charlie: Yeah, you know it's good when you feel dirtier coming out than you do going in.
Charlie: Alan, she's like sixteen.
Alan: And, again, I ask, hoping I don't get called to testify, yours?
Alan: What are you doing here?
Charlie: You know, I was asking myself the same thing. So I did a little research, and it turns out, it's my house!