Yeah, hi. I'm watching your commercial cash for gold and you just showed a woman selling her wedding ring for $500. No, I don't want to sell gold, I want to meet her. She's hot and we know her marriage isn't working out.

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Charlie: If I can't haive chelsea, I don't want to live.
Alan: Where are you going?
Charlie: Strip club.
Alan: Ah yes, death by lap dance.

Alan: She left her kid there. She's got to come back.
Charlie: Would you come back for that kid?
Alan: She's never coming back.

And get rid of that welcome mat you put on my front porch. No one's welcome here!

Alan: Pretty flowers.
Charlie: Thanks
Alan: Want to stick them in something?

Charlie [about Mia]: I have to find her.
Alan: It's a shame you can't let your penis sniff a scent of her clothing

Charlie: What are you doing?
Alan: Giving you a wedgie... where's your underwear?
Charlie: I'm not wearing any, but thanks for scratching my ass!

Charlie: What time?
Alan: Eight.
Charlie: O'clock?
Alan: No, degrees

Berta: OK, I'm outta here.
Alan: Hey, Berta, did you hear the news about Mom?
Berta: Yeah, she joined the Mormon Church so she can get a rent controlled apartment in Salt Lake City. Oh, you mean your mom. No.
Charlie: We're getting a new dad!
Alan: He's great! His name is Teddy!
Charlie: He took us to a boxing match!
Alan: He bought us prostitutes and gelato!

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Yeah, hi. I'm watching your commercial cash for gold and you just showed a woman selling her wedding ring for $500. No, I don't want to sell gold, I want to meet her. She's hot and we know her marriage isn't working out.

Charlie