Popular Charlie Harper Quotes
Yeah, hi. I'm watching your commercial cash for gold and you just showed a woman selling her wedding ring for $500. No, I don't want to sell gold, I want to meet her. She's hot and we know her marriage isn't working out.
Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.
Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it
Charlie: Jake, what's this? A phone message?
Jake: Yeah, some lady called for you.
Charlie: Who? I can't read your writing.
Jake [reading the paper]: You're a big selfish jerk.
Charlie: Ok, I know who this is. Amyâ€”probably Amy.
Jake: Yup, Amy
Charlie: I promise I'll get a quiet hooker.
Alan: Believe or not, that's a real concession on his part.
Jake: In ultimate fighting they kick, they elbow, they get a guy down and smash his head in the floor. These guys just dance around and barely hit each other.
Charlie: Okay, okay, listen to me. Boxing is a science. Boxers don't just wail on each other: they strategize, feel each other out, wait for an opening.
Alan [about Gail]: I felt a little spark between us
Charlie: If there was a spark it's because she was warming up her taser
Charlie: How's it going in there?
Alan: Whatever happened to zippers? I miss zippers.
Charlie: I don't know, Alan, maybe there were too many injuries. Nobody ever got their balls caught in a buttonhole
Charlie: Hey, hey. Maple Loops is part of a nutritious balanced breakfast.
Alan: Yeah, if you eat it with a steak and some broccoli
Jake: What am I supposed to do?
Charlie: Watch TV.
Jake: There's nothing on.
Charlie: Play a video game.
Jake: Played them all.
Charlie: Read a book.
Jake: Yeah, right, who's the moron now?
Chelsea: I just think it's ridiculous that we're engaged and we're not living together
Charlie: Well excuse me for being old fashioned. I'm just not comfortable with us living in sin
Chelsea: So you think we should stop having sex?
Charlie: No no, it's not the sin I object to, it's the living in it
Alan: So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?
Charlie: Hey, leave Jake out of this!