Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

My name is Charlie, and, um, my maid says I'm a sex addict

Dr. Freeman: Why don't we talk about your current relationship?
Charlie: Linda? Well, let's see. She's a municipal court judge.
Dr. Freeman: Oh, very impressive.
Charlie: Thank you.
Dr. Freeman: I meant for her, Charlie.

It's a public service when a gay chick goes lipstick rather than lumberjack

Alan: How do you sleep at night?
Charlie: Usually drunk and on top of somebody

Alan: ...and maybe Saturday, a date.
Charlie: You're calling those magazines dates now?

And the best part of all is without Jake here, Mom has no reason to visit. Heck, I might not see her at all til we meet in hell

I really shouldn't be giving [Jake] advice that will help him reproduce.

Alan: Did you see me take the Silly Putty?
Charlie: Oh, no, no, I was nowhere near the Silly Putty. I think I was in the doll section, taking a peek under Barbie's dress. What a gyp that was!

Charlie: You know the difference between you and me, Alan?
Alan: I don't scream when I pee?

Charlie: Girls don't generally respond to desperation.
Jake: How do you know?
Charlie: Are you kidding? I've been watching your father get shot down for twenty five years. It's like living with an air force training film.

Charlie [hands her flowers]: These are for you.
Mia: You didn't have to do that.
Charlie: Really? My brother said I did

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Women reject me for 100 different reasons. White teeth would reduce that to 99 problems.

Alan

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.