Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Jake: These clothes look stupid.
Charlie: You're ten. No one cares

If you can't afford dog food, don't get a dog

Jake: I like German cars.
Charlie: Well if keep your nose clean and work hard, you may be able to park them for a living.

Yeah, hi. I'm watching your commercial cash for gold and you just showed a woman selling her wedding ring for $500. No, I don't want to sell gold, I want to meet her. She's hot and we know her marriage isn't working out.

Alan: Obviously, we disagree about my role in this household.
Charlie: We sure do. You think you have one, and I don't!

Charlie: What about your back pain?
Chelsea: I'll live with it.
Charlie: Are you sure?
Chelsea: I live with you, don't I?

Charlie: We've got a real problem here.
Berta: What do you mean "we?" [walks away]

Michelle: You've got my number, right?
Charlie: Indeed I do. ... 47.

Charlie: What's wrong with my lifestyle?
Alan: Oh, no! We're not going down that road at $300 an hour

Jake: Taste this.
Charlie: I don't need to taste it. It's a chocolate laxative.
Jake: I think it needs more caramel.
Charlie: I'm telling you, Alan, one of these days that kid's gonna fart and birds are gonna fall out of the sky.

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.