Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Chris, I believe you know my brother. The man who's banging your wife and burnt down your house.

Charlie: Maybe we can sweeten her vocals with a little reverb, echo, play a little guitar over it?
Studio Guy: We can play car horns and barking dogs over it, it won't help

Jake: Yo, check out the bling!
Charlie: Jake, I'm not going to tell you again. You're a pasty, white kid. Start acting like one

Charlie: This is kind of exciting. [unwraps gift] Fart in a Can?
Jake: You don't have one, do you?
Charlie: Well, I've got you, but this is good for travel

Alan [about Isabella]: I think this woman tried to put a curse on me.
Charlie: Oh, please! Who of us haven't done that? To know you is to curse you

Charlie: Oh, Miss Pasternak...
Miss Pasternak: How come you never call me by my first name?
Charlie: I don't know, this just seems way hotter

Alan: Decor? You call this decor?
Charlie: What would you call it?
Alan: Random crapola.

Alan: You're a very lucky guy, Charlie.
Charlie: I ran through a plate glass window and you puked in my piano. How is that lucky?
Alan: You could have bleed to death. I could vomited on my shoes.
Charlie: Those are my shoes.
Alan: Which is why you're lucky.

Alan: When was the last time you called mom just to see how she was doing?
Charlie: Uh, whoo. What's today, Sunday? Then never.
Alan: Why don't you start with that?
Charlie: OK, fine.
Alan: Remember her number?
Charlie: I've got it on speed dial. 666. Cute, huh?

Charlie: I promise I'll get a quiet hooker.
Alan: Believe or not, that's a real concession on his part.

Alan: Do you really want me to tell a ten year old boy that someone he really cares about was pretending to like him? What kind of lesson is that?
Charlie: He lives in L.A., he might as well learn now

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.