Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
TV Fanatic Works Better with Prime Instant Video
Try it Now for Free and Instantly Watch Two and a Half Men.

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Dr. Freeman: How's work?
Charlie: It's been pretty slow. Thankfully the house is paid off, the pension is funded, and I've give up prostitutes. Really all I need is drinking money... what's that, a couple grand a month?
Dr. Freeman: Sounds about right

Lydia: I'm serving hors d'oeuvres at an open house tomorrow so I'm gonna need to borrow Berta for a couple of hours.
Berta: Say what?
Lydia: I'm talking to Charlie. You don't mind do you?
Charlie: Mind, well I, uh...
Berta: You wanna borrow me? What am I, a carpet steamer?
Lydia: I'm not saying I won't pay you, plus you can take home all the leftovers.
Berta: Oh, gee, why don't you just toss 'em all in a big bowl and I'll eat 'em out in the yard.
Lydia: Well, that's just a little uncalled for. I thought I was doing you a favor.
Berta: You wanna do me a favor? You take the money that you were gonna pay me, convert it into rolls of nickels, then bend over

Charlie: So, what are you doing for dinner tonight?
Lisa: You're shameless.
Charlie: Thank you.
Lisa: It's not a compliment.
Charlie: Whatever. So, how about dinner tonight?
Lisa: Charlie, a lot has changed.
Charlie: So what? I'm older and wiser, and you're hot and on the rebound!

Alan: Did you have to grovel?
Charlie: Like a leper as a kissing booth.

What's up Mccallen? We can grow old together. You're only 20 and I doubt you're gonna make it to 21.

Charlie: Hard to punish him for telling the truth.
Alan: Wait till he tries on the underwear I bought for him.

Charlie: What's mom doing here?
Alan: Well, it's Christmas Eve, Charlie.
Charlie: I know, why isn't she out stealing toys in Whoville?

Charlie: I think they got the place to themselves, so he might get a little "Peace on Earth" tonight.
Alan: How do you make everything sound dirty?
Charlie:: Hey, I took the high road. I could have gone with "Come All Ye Faithful."

Charlie: What are you smiling about?
Jake: You don't have any food.
Charlie: Yeah, but I'm not the one who's hungry. Who's smiling now, shorty?

Charlie: I think Jake has a thing for your boyfriend's daughter.
Alan: He's not my boyfriend. We're friends.
Charlie: Alan, when an intelligent, successful, attractive man wants to be friends with you, something is amiss

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 796 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

× Close Ad