Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: What time?
Alan: Eight.
Charlie: O'clock?
Alan: No, degrees

Alan: What's the forecast?
Charlie: High tonight, low tomorrow, 100% chance of hangover.

Charlie: So, where do they put the engine in these things?
Courtney: Where it belongs... in the rear.

Charlie: I don't understand, how could mom say "no" to him?
Alan: He was perfect for her.
Charlie: Forget her, he was perfect for us

Alan: (with the phone in his hand) It's Teddy's daughter, she wants to talk to you.
Charlie: Really?
Alan: But you promised Teddy you'd stay away from her.
Charlie: Hey, I didn't tell her to call me.
Alan: What kind of man would hit on his future step-sister?
Berta: You're just making it hotter for him.

Alan: Boy am I thirsty.
Kandi: That's 'cause you sweat so much during sex.
Alan: Hey, I may not have the biggest boat in the marina, but nobody rows harder than me.
Kandi: You have a boat?
Alan: No, sweetie, what I meant was...
Charlie: Hey, hey, hey, some of us don't want to hear about your little dinghy

Alan: Obviously, we disagree about my role in this household.
Charlie: We sure do. You think you have one, and I don't!

Jake: Uncle Charlie, why is Berta leaving?
Charlie: Why? It doesn't matter, Jake. What matters is she's gone... and we're all going to die

Charlie: You didn't have to go to the bathroom! You were just trying to stick me with the check!
Alan: Oh, oh, I see, so you know my bowels better than I do!
Charlie: I will when I pull them out through your nostrils.

Jake: These clothes look stupid.
Charlie: You're ten. No one cares

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Yeah, hi. I'm watching your commercial cash for gold and you just showed a woman selling her wedding ring for $500. No, I don't want to sell gold, I want to meet her. She's hot and we know her marriage isn't working out.

Charlie