Dr: What do you consider being truly intimate with a woman?
Charlie: Not using a condom?

Dr. Freeman: Are you drinking?
Charlie: Just the occasional glass with dinner.
Dr. Freeman: Uh huh. And how many dinners have you had today?
Charlie: Three, so far.

Charlie: I think I need to go see my shrink.
Alan: Work out some issues?
Charlie: Renew my prescriptions.
Alan: Much more in character.

Charlie: Did you have sex in my bed?
Alan: Um, no. Actually, the romance of the night pretty much evaporated when you curled up at our feet like a drunken Labrador.

Charlie: Why did I wake up in your bed?
Alan: You passed out there.
Charlie: Did we break any biblical laws?

He's an alcoholic with a lot of money. There's nothing you can do about people like that. The best you can do is be nice to them so you can inherit their house when they crap out their liver.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Charlie: I was fantasizing about other women.
Courtney: That doesn't necessarily mean it's over.
Charlie: I pretended you were the big blue chick from Avatar.
Courtney: It's over.

Courtney: I hope you don't mind i used your tooth brush
Charlie: Where'd you use it?
Courtney: No where your mouth hasn't been.

Alan: Charlie, do you have any idea how bad you're making me look?
Charlie: That's not me. It's genetics and barber school haircuts.

Courtney: Charlie, you shouldn't have!
Charlie: Well, you've done a lot of things for me you shouldn't have.

Alan: It was like I was in a dream and my hands belonged to someone else.
Charlie: I have that one all the time. Except in mine, the hands do belong to someone else.

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Yeah, hi. I'm watching your commercial cash for gold and you just showed a woman selling her wedding ring for $500. No, I don't want to sell gold, I want to meet her. She's hot and we know her marriage isn't working out.

Charlie

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.