Charlie Harper Quotes
I saw your commercial for the shake weight. My brother does basically the same thing in the shower every night. He has absolutely no muscle definition in his arms.
Alan: Birthday card for mom -- sign it.
Charlie: No thanks. Come back with a "do not resuscitate" form and we'll talk.
Russell: Want a codeine popsicle? It's my own invention.
Charlie: I think we're good.
Russell: You suck on one of these, you'll be great. I call it, "springtime on a stick."
Evelyn: If you excuse me, I'm going to go drown my sorrows in alcohol.
Charlie: If you're not committed to alcohol, there's a whole big ocean out there.
Jake: I thought you had a date tonight?
Charlie: Not a date. A date experience.
Megan: What's the difference?
Charlie: About $1500.
Charlie: So, Michelle, you've met my mom and my brother. Would you be breaking up with me now or would you prefer to wait until after lunch?
Michelle: I'll wait. I already ordered the soufflé and I understand it's very good here.
Rose: I am getting married next Sunday and I just wanted to let you know before you hear it somewhere else.
Charlie: Where else would I hear it? The society page of the Crazy Bitch Gazette?
Michelle: I could deal with your mother, your brother, your nephew, your housekeeper.
Charlie: Yeah but...
Michelle: Wait a sec, I'm not done.. your drinking, your gambling, your womanizing. But I am not putting up with your stalker.
Charlie: Really, that's where you draw the line? Seems a little arbitrary.
Michelle: I thought I heard man crying.
Charlie: That's nothing, that's just Alan.
Michelle: It's nothing?
Charlie: Yeah, he gets up in the middle of the night to pee. And he can't get back to sleep, so he masturbates. Then he starts crying.
Michelle: That's awful.
Charlie: It's like the ocean, i can't even hear it anymore.
Evelyn: You're a dermatologist. How do I get rid of 170 lb skin tag?
Alan: Excuse me, 164.
Charlie: Really? That's the part of you object to?
Alan: Would you like to be called a 200 lb drunk?
Charlie: 180.
Alan: See?
Charlie: Yeah, well better a lush than a leach.
Michelle: You eat a lot of fish. Aren't you worried about mercury?
Charlie: Michelle, on the list of things I expect to kill me, mercury poisoning ranks well below liver failure, struck by lightning and heart attack during sex. Guess which one I'm rooting for?
Alan: Are you really that superficial, vain and shallow?
Charlie: Yes. Yes. And yes.
