Alan: You have someone who comes into your house and glues your cabinets shut regularly?
Charlie: You've met some of the whack jobs I've went out with, this shouldn't be that much of a stretch

Look at you all grown up and back living with mom. How good do you feel about yourself right now on a scale from one to...two?

Jake: If drinking makes you feel bad, why do you drink?
Charlie: Nobody likes a smart ass, kid.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Charlie: Tell you what. Here's a twenty. That ought to cover me until lunch

Woman [to Charlie about Jake]: You guys are really great together.
Charlie: Thanks.
Woman: Your wife must be proud.
Charlie: Oh, no, I'm not married.
Woman: Too bad.
Charlie: Wow, you're even better than a dog

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it

Alan: What's wrong with him?
Berta: Classic case of va-jay-jay fever.
Alan: Colorfully put. I'm just surprised to see Charlie fall for it.
Berta: Sooner or later all men fall for it. How do you think I got my condo in Palm Springs?
Alan: You have a condo in Palm Springs?
Berta: No, figure of speech. Don't try to stop by.