Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Alan: You have someone who comes into your house and glues your cabinets shut regularly?
Charlie: You've met some of the whack jobs I've went out with, this shouldn't be that much of a stretch

Look at you all grown up and back living with mom. How good do you feel about yourself right now on a scale from one to...two?

Jake: If drinking makes you feel bad, why do you drink?
Charlie: Nobody likes a smart ass, kid.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Charlie: Tell you what. Here's a twenty. That ought to cover me until lunch

Woman [to Charlie about Jake]: You guys are really great together.
Charlie: Thanks.
Woman: Your wife must be proud.
Charlie: Oh, no, I'm not married.
Woman: Too bad.
Charlie: Wow, you're even better than a dog

Displaying quotes 793 - 796 of 796 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

I think God gives us children so that death won't come as such a disappointment

Evelyn