It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on FXPopular Charlie Kelly Quotes
Charlie: I'll totally pull a Good Will Hunting on those kids and that'll put them in their place.
Mac: How you gonna do that?
Charlie: Well, you've seen the movie right?
Mac: Yeah.
Charlie: So all I gotta do is, I'll ask them some big shot, like math or science, history-type college question aand that will totally stump them by knowing a lot more about the answer than they do.
Mac: In that movie, Matt Damon played a genius janitor, you're just a janitor.
Charlie: Right, you stumped me with that one.
What's going on is that you just drank a cup of poison.
(After Charlie throws away a girl's number)
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing, dude?
Charlie: What?
Mac: What are you doing?
Charlie: Ah.
Mac: That girl is gorgeous. She's like the perfect opportunity to show that we are not racist. She probably has friends for me.
Charlie: Well, come on. If anything, I think we should be focused on black men, first of all.
Mac: What?!
Mac: Why do these people like you guys so much?
Charlie: Well dude, it's not that they like us, they don't like you! You know why? Uhhh, because you're an asshole!
(After Charlie is caught saying the N word by the Waitress)
Waitress: Wow, nice.
Charlie: No, no. That's not what I was saying.
Waitress: Coffee? Hitler?
Charlie: No, I'm not, not Adolf Hitler.
Waitress: I'll make sure to put a lot of cream in yours.
Tommy: You have to buy me a toy.
Charlie: I don't have to buy you shit.
Tommy: If you don't buy me anything, I'm going to tell my mom you took me to a black people's house.
Dee: Okay.
Charlie: Wow! Oh, my God! That's racist. What do you, what do you say to that?
Tommy: You still have to buy me a toy!
Charlie: Come stand next to me, then.
Dee: Why?
Charlie: So she doesn't think I'm creepy.
Dee: Well, you are creepy.
Charlie: I realize this. That's why I need you.
Charlie: Ah, I mean I wish I could go back in time and do the right thing, you know?
Dee: Like be there for her?
Charlie: No get her an abortion.
I will smash your face into, into a jelly!
Dee: Can we please get out of here, let's go.
Mac: Why?
Dee: Trey asked me to prom last night. This is getting really weird.
Charlie: That girl Sarah asked me too.
Dee: You're kidding?
Mac: What, no we can't go to the prom, that's pathetic.
Charlie: What do you mean we, who asked you?
Mac: Let's just go. Let's just go.
Dee: I don't know how you guys live with yourselves.
Charlie: One day at a time.
Mac: One day at a time.
Dennis: One day at a time.
Mac: He doesn't have any poison.
Charlie: I don't have any on me, but I do keep some in my fridge at home in the relish jar.
Frank: There's poison in that jar? I thought I was allergic to pickles. What's in the jar with the skull and crossbones?
Charlie: Well that's mayonnaise. It's a decoy.
Frank: And the mayo?
Charlie: That's shampoo.
Frank: You're telling I've been putting shampoo on my sandwiches?
Charlie: If you've been using the mayonnaise, then yeah, probably.
