(to Frank) Where are your balls, dude? Where are your balls?! Okay, you're a grown man. Think about your balls.

Charlie: A grilled Charlie has peanut butter last!
Frank: Okay, you're either inside or outside?
Charlie: Peanut butter outside, chocolate inside. Butter inside, cheese outside.

Barbara: You were talking about giving away all of our money.
Frank: My money. I made it, you spent it.
Charlie: Burn! There you go buddy.

Frank: Well, I didn't take anything.
Barbara: It's empty. Someone came in and took everything.
Frank: Maybe you should have somebody deported, like you used to, in the old days.
Charlie: Beautiful.

Why don't you crack an egg of knowledge all over me, buddy.

Dennis: Where from?
Frenkel: Israel. It just got to be too dangerous. I mean, you know with everything that's happening.
Dennis: Well, that's a tough situation you got over there.
Charlie: Oh yeah, you got that whole tsunami and the...
Mac: No, not that...
Charlie: Well, the superdome thing.
Mac: No, there's no superdome...
Charlie: Well it's one of those places over there.
Mac: It's a different country, Charlie so why don't...
Charlie: Well I'm just trying to help the guy out.
Mac: Why don't you just shut up!

Barbara: While you were out making money, who do you think was at home, cooking and cleaning and raising your children?
Frank: A series of Mexican women.
Charlie: "A series..." Unbelievable, dude! [They high-five] You're on fire.

Frank: Well, I figured, you know, cut out the middleman. This way, everybody wins.
Charlie: I don't win.

Mac: Well, that was awkward.
Charlie: Yes, it was.
Mac: Sort of a private conversation.
Charlie: Very much a family type moment.
Mac: We didn't need to hear any of that.
Charlie: Mm-hmm, not for our ears.
Mac: (After a pause) Wanna go to the strip club

Charlie [in a wheelchair and army vet attire]: This costume, the chicks is gonna go crazy all over it.
Frank: Maybe you should let me do all the talking.
Charlie: No, it's like shooting fish in a barrel. So watch and learn.
Stripper: Awww, look at you sweetie, what happened?
Charlie: Viet-goddamn-nam, that's what happened! Go get me a beer, bitch!

Charlie: Where's your brother dude?
Liam: We just stepped out of the shower. He'll be down in a minute.
Charlie: Alright li--listen, you guys can't go... did you just say we?
Liam: What?
Charlie: Did you just say we just stepped out of the shower?
Liam: I said "he."

Dennis: So, you're not going to get in any trouble at all?
Charlie: Uh, no, no, not really. And since the McPoyles are going to plead guilty I'm sort of off the hook completely.
Dennis: That's great!
Dee: Oh, I'm sorry, was he saying that the intervention worked?
Dennis: No, I don't think that's what he's saying.
Dee: What are you talking about? It was the final push Charlie needed. Turns out: Three-quarters of a major, not so bad after all.
Charlie: Oh, and the best part of it actually for me now is the fact that everybody thinks that I've been molested. So in a way, my life is ruined. Uh, in the meantime, I'm gonna go in the back office and cry, and cry, and cry, and drink for a while.
Dennis: Emotional release, another giant step forward.
Dee: God, we're good. Doctor.
Dennis: Doctor.

It's Always Sunny Quotes

Charlie: I'll totally pull a Good Will Hunting on those kids and that'll put them in their place.
Mac: How you gonna do that?
Charlie: Well, you've seen the movie right?
Mac: Yeah.
Charlie: So all I gotta do is, I'll ask them some big shot, like math or science, history-type college question aand that will totally stump them by knowing a lot more about the answer than they do.
Mac: In that movie, Matt Damon played a genius janitor, you're just a janitor.
Charlie: Right, you stumped me with that one.

Mac: He doesn't have any poison.
Charlie: I don't have any on me, but I do keep some in my fridge at home in the relish jar.
Frank: There's poison in that jar? I thought I was allergic to pickles. What's in the jar with the skull and crossbones?
Charlie: Well that's mayonnaise. It's a decoy.
Frank: And the mayo?
Charlie: That's shampoo.
Frank: You're telling I've been putting shampoo on my sandwiches?
Charlie: If you've been using the mayonnaise, then yeah, probably.