Family Guy

Chris Griffin Quotes (Page 9)

Brian (trying to consol Peter): Hey, Peter, buddy. How about some TV, huh? (Turns it on)
Announcer: We now return to Freddy Got Fingered.
Peter: Oh, God. (Changes the channel to see E.T. pointing his glowing finger)
E.T.: Ouch.
Peter: Oh, God! (Changes the channel to see a Yellow Pages ad)
Announcer 2: Yellow Pages: Let your fingers do the walking. (Peter runs upstairs crying and passes Chris with a foam finger on)
Chris: Are we still going to the baseball game?
Peter: Get the hell away from me, Chris! (Continues running and crying, pans to see the Evil Monkey, doing his gesture to Peter) Stop it, Meg! (Runs away crying)
 • Rating: Unrated

Lois: Chris, I'm gonna teach you to be an affable, desirable young man, who doesn't smell like the inside of a wool hat.
Chris: Why you gotta break balls?
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: (on TV) You know what really grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan. Eh? Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits jumping around there on stage, half naked with your little outfits. You know? You're up there jumpin' around and I'm just sittin' here with my beer. So, you know, what am I supposed to do? What do you--what do you want? You know, are we gonna go out? Is that what you're tryin' to--why you're leapin' around there throwin' those things all up in--um, over there in my face? What do you want, Lindsay? TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT! Well, I'll tell you what you want...you want nothin'! You want nothin'! All right, because we all that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone. And to titilate us with any thoughts otherwise is-is-is-is just bogus.
Lois: Oh, he is so right on. Women are such teases. That's why I went back to men.
Meg: Ok...mom, thanks for that. Um, see you later. (Leaves)
Chris: Go on...
 • Rating: Unrated

Alyssa: Because if you do, I'll let you touch my boobs.
Chris: I...is that good? Do I want that?
Alyssa: Oh yeah, you want that.
Chris: Well, fantastic then.
 • Rating: Unrated

Chris: I think I made Brian crazy. Maybe I shouldn't have burned that petition.
Alyssa: Oh, no. Chris, you did the right thing. It's only a matter of time before Mayor West signs that bill, and you'll get to touch these. (Indicates her breasts)
Chris: Oh, boy. I gotta feeling that before the end of the day, I'm gonna be burying my dog.
Alyssa: Whoa, whoa. I said you could touch my boobs, let's start with that.
 • Rating: Unrated

Chris: Brian's the new Meg! Brian's the new Meg!
Meg: Yeah, you're the new me!
Peter: Shut up, Meg.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: I can't believe we lost the talent show! What'd we do wrong?
Chris: Well, I think I can shed a little light on that. You guys were so baked, you didn't sound anywhere near as good as you thought you were. I was in the audience.
 • Rating: Unrated

Chris: For my science homework, I had to make a shoebox diarrhea of the evolution of man.
Lois: You mean diorama.
Chris: ...Uh-oh.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lois: I now understand that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg?
Meg: For your information, Mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better?
Lois: Chris we all love your hat.
Chris: Thanks Mom!
 • Rating: Unrated

Chris: Say Doc, what did you do with the all the fat you took out of my mom?
Dr. Hartman: It's right here in this storage closet.
(He opens the closet and sees Peter having sex with the bag of far
Peter: Um, it's exactly what it looks like.
 • Rating: Unrated

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