Claire: We need a game plan, we need to map out exactly what we are going to say, because that is the only way I will be able to hold it together while our babies look at us with judgment and disgust.
Phil: That's how they always look at us.

Phil: We were, as they say, having sex.
Claire: That's not a euphemism. That's actually what we were doing.

Honey, look at how long it just took us to figure out she's insulting us.

It's an obsessive-compulsive thing. I have read like a hundred articles about it.

She suggested an Arabian Nights theme. Isn't it a little soon?

You can't have two fun parents... You know that kid Liam who wears pajama pants to school and pays for things with a hundred-dollar bill? Two fun parents.

Luke: Dad's like crazy fun, but you're nice.
Claire: I'm nice?!?
Luke: Well, not now.

Claire: Did you make the ladyfingers? Did you go to the gym?
Phil: Boy, you're really starting to sound like your old self.

Claire: You're in a house of horrors being held against your will.
Alex: Yeah, I know, so why do I need the cage.

Honey, trust me, I'm sparing you an entire day of guys asking you if you have a rough tongue.

Don't take this the wrong way, but I have almost no faith in you.

I hate it when you do that. You never heard of Troga? You never tried octopus? You never did this amazing thing I just discovered yesterday but I pretend like I've done my whole life?

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.


I'll admit it. I'm turned on by powerful women.
Michelle Obama, Oprah, Condoleezza Rice, Serena Williams… Wait a minute.

Phil Dunphy