Every time he opens his mouth I can feel my daughters losing respect for me.

Am I a bad enough parent to ignore that?

I know Phil and I are going to grow old together someday, but today is not that day.

Claire: I'll be upstairs, Clive, don't take too long.
Phil: I never do.

Claire: We need a game plan, we need to map out exactly what we are going to say, because that is the only way I will be able to hold it together while our babies look at us with judgment and disgust.
Phil: That's how they always look at us.

Phil: We were, as they say, having sex.
Claire: That's not a euphemism. That's actually what we were doing.

Honey, look at how long it just took us to figure out she's insulting us.

It's an obsessive-compulsive thing. I have read like a hundred articles about it.

She suggested an Arabian Nights theme. Isn't it a little soon?

You can't have two fun parents... You know that kid Liam who wears pajama pants to school and pays for things with a hundred-dollar bill? Two fun parents.

Luke: Dad's like crazy fun, but you're nice.
Claire: I'm nice?!?
Luke: Well, not now.

Claire: Did you make the ladyfingers? Did you go to the gym?
Phil: Boy, you're really starting to sound like your old self.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.


Manny: Does this feel like a short visit to you, or a long one?
Jay: The pregnant one brought a stroller.