Claire: Don't you need to check IDs?
Bouncer: No sorry, we don't offer a senior discount.

Sweetheart you've had 2 boyfriends in 30 seconds, that's practically Haley's record!

Claire: Who's Victor? We never heard about him.
Haley: Oh because I knew you'd never let me go out with an ex con.

Phil: Sometimes a boy might be a good distraction. I remember a certain young lady who was pretty addicted to Miss Pacman until a dashing young gent caught her eye.
Claire: Only because you were wearing a feather earring.
Phil: It wasn't a feather, it was a dreamcatcher. And it worked.

Claire: Welcome to the insane asylum of from hell!
Phil: That's what it feels like.

Claire: You gonna put some blood on that? Maybe dangle an eyeball?
Phil: Who hurt you? I'm kidding, I know it's Jay and Dede.

I wanna hear your point but right now this magic juice is gonna help mama turn that bathtub into a swim up bar.

Claire: Haley I need the wifi corner get down.
Haley: Ugh! I need Instagram to know there's still beauty in the world!

Claire: Why are you trying to turn this into a fight? I called to yell at you for getting me sick. Love you, bye.
Mitchell: I love you too.

Claire: This cold stops with me. Why do you think I swapped beds with Luke last night?
Phil: You did?
Luke: Appreciated the back rub. Not sure I loved being called Miss Thang.
Phil: Nooooo!

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Oh what? The mascot's a beaver, those jokes will get old.

Claire: Check this out, a reflecting pond.
Alex: Great maybe you can see how crazy you’re being right now.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

You're like a mob wife. You complain about what I do, but have no problem wearing the fur that fell off the back of the truck.

Mitchell