Claire: I assure you, you are fine.
Phil: That's very comforting coming from a marketing major at a party school.

Honey don't you think it's weird that one of your friends is an 80-year-old man?

Claire: Oh thank God, here comes Phil and the butterball.
Manny: Hey, I have a name!!

Listen to me, your whole life has led to this moment. All the training, the hours of dedication, there's not a soul alive that can touch you when it comes to shopping and baby you know it. Look at me, be you!

Phil: If I had a son I'd want him to be like Kenneth.
Claire: You do have a son.

Mitchell is turning Gloria into mom.

Haley: Did my 3rd grade teacher say I have ADD or something.
Claire: No honey she said you couldn't A-D-D because she also knew you couldn't S-P-E-L-L.

I just wanted to spend my night with some fun gay people. It's not my fault this one decided to be straight!

I want music and dancing and secondhand smoke!

Claire: Alright ladies. Go home, roll up your hair and clap off the lights because this guy, who I just met, is gonna show me a good time.
Mitchell: If he was straight this would be just like high school.

When did you two become such old women?

I have 3 kids, I've been tired since 2005.

Modern Family Quotes

Manny: Does this feel like a short visit to you, or a long one?
Jay: The pregnant one brought a stroller.

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.