Cleveland Brown Quotes
Peter: It's Cleveland I'm worried about.
Cleveland: (wearing a President Nixon mask) Peter, is this really necessary? I can't hardly see anything.
Golfers: Hey, look, it's President Nixon! (Cleveland takes off mask) No, wait, it's a black guy! (Cleveland puts mask back on) No, it's Nixon.
- Permalink: It's Cleveland I'm worried about. Peter, is this really neces...
Quagmire: Hey, hey, hey, hey that's a stroke!
Peter: I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax.
Quagmire: Oh relax, huh? Look, I just tapped my ball. Oh, just tapped it again. Tap, tap, tap...oh where is it? It's in the hole. Eagle. Yay Quagmire!
(Quagmire bends his putter across his knee and throws it against the cart)
Joe: Hey Quagmire, you know it's not fun when you're like this.
Quagmire: You want fun? Go home and buy a monkey!
Cleveland: What does that even mean?
Quagmire: I don't know. (voice drops to normal) Boy, we've got a beautiful day for this.
- Permalink: Hey, hey, hey, hey that's a stroke! I just tapped my ball, Qua...
(Peter uses a lighter to make a fire on Meg's head)
Joe: Hey, Meg don't be such a "hothead".
Cleveland: Meg, you look "hot".
Peter: Meg, I just lit your scalp on fire.
- Permalink: Hey, Meg don't be such a hothead. Huh? Meg, you look hot. ...
Peter: Cleveland, who would you rather do: Queen Latifah or Halle Berry,
but she's been dead for six hours?
Cleveland: Aw, man. That's a tough one.
- Permalink: Queen Latifah or Halle Berry, but she's been dead for six hour...
Quagmire: What are you doing?
Joe: I'm watching Bonnie undress.
Cleveland: Bonnie's your wife.
Joe: I like to watch her strip, and pretend she's a total stranger who looks exactly like my wife and lives in my house. Get naked, you strange whore!!
- Permalink: What are you doing? I'm watching Bonnie undress. Bonnie's yo...
(Giraffe crashes into Cleveland's house, and his bathtub slides out the hole in the wall) What the hell? No no no no no! I got to stop taking my baths during Peter's shenanigans.
- Permalink: What the hell? No no no no no! I got to stop taking my baths dur...
Peter: Who's sober enough to drive?
(No one answers.)
Peter: Ok, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk where you're a better driver because you know you're drunk, you know the kind of drunk where you probably shouldn't drive, but you do anyways because, I mean come on, you got to get your car home, right? I mean what do they expect me do, take a bus? Is that what they want? For me to take a bus? Well screw that! You take a bus.
Cleveland: I'm that kind of drunk.
Peter: (Throws keys to Cleveland) Shotgun!
- Permalink: Who's sober enough to drive? Ok, who's drunk, but that speci...
(Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire are in the Drunken Clam)
Joe: Peter, you're urinating unusually frequently.
Quagmire: Yeah, what gives?
Shamus: If its gale force peein ya be doin, it could mean ya got barnacles on yer prostate. Best have sick bay check below yer decks.
Peter: Wait a minute, are you telling me I need a prostate exam?
Shamus: Aye, and soon, before your rudder jams with flotsam, and your droppin' anchor without an order from the captain. (pauses) How are you liking all of these nautical puns?
Quagmire: Not bad.
Cleveland: Somewhat entertaining.
- Permalink: Peter, you're urinating unusually frequently. Yeah, what gives...
Old Lois: Hi, Glen. How's the arthritis?
Old Quagmire: Fine. 'Course, I've gotten a little stiff since you walked in, Giggety gigg... oop, I just pooped a little.
Old Cleveland: Oh... that's... nasty...
- Permalink: Hi, Glen. How's the arthritis? Fine. 'Course, I've gotten a li...