Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXCleveland Brown Quotes
Cleveland: Boy, this election's gonna be a tight one.
Quagmire: Probably gonna be decided by just a couple of votes.
Peter: And here we are sitting here like a bunch of lazy paraplegic cops.
Joe: Huh?
Peter: Oh, I'm sorry, Joe. It's just an expression.
Joe: Ah.
Cleveland: So how's the job hunt going?
Peter: It's awful Cleveland, Quagmire blew every gig we got him.
Quagmire: It's too bad, I really liked that job working on the Starship Enterprise. (Flashback to Quagmire on Starship Enterprise. He walks to Captain Kirk and whispers.) Dude, you got to introduce me to that black chick.
Quagmire: Hey, hey, hey, hey that's a stroke!
Peter: I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax.
Quagmire: Oh relax, huh? Look, I just tapped my ball. Oh, just tapped it again. Tap, tap, tap...oh where is it? It's in the hole. Eagle. Yay Quagmire!
(Quagmire bends his putter across his knee and throws it against the cart)
Joe: Hey Quagmire, you know it's not fun when you're like this.
Quagmire: You want fun? Go home and buy a monkey!
Cleveland: What does that even mean?
Quagmire: I don't know. (voice drops to normal) Boy, we've got a beautiful day for this.
Peter: It's Cleveland I'm worried about.
Cleveland: (wearing a President Nixon mask) Peter, is this really necessary? I can't hardly see anything.
Golfers: Hey, look, it's President Nixon! (Cleveland takes off mask) No, wait, it's a black guy! (Cleveland puts mask back on) No, it's Nixon.
Joe: Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game?
Cleveland: A white man shouldn't play sports in the first place.
(Peter uses a lighter to make a fire on Meg's head)
Joe: Hey, Meg don't be such a "hothead".
Meg: Huh?
Cleveland: Meg, you look "hot".
Meg: What?
Peter: Meg, I just lit your scalp on fire.
Peter: Cleveland, who would you rather do: Queen Latifah or Halle Berry,
but she's been dead for six hours?
Cleveland: Aw, man. That's a tough one.
(Giraffe crashes into Cleveland's house, and his bathtub slides out the hole in the wall) What the hell? No no no no no! I got to stop taking my baths during Peter's shenanigans.
Quagmire: What are you doing?
Joe: I'm watching Bonnie undress.
Cleveland: Bonnie's your wife.
Joe: I like to watch her strip, and pretend she's a total stranger who looks exactly like my wife and lives in my house. Get naked, you strange whore!!
Peter: Who's sober enough to drive?
(No one answers.)
Peter: Ok, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk where you're a better driver because you know you're drunk, you know the kind of drunk where you probably shouldn't drive, but you do anyways because, I mean come on, you got to get your car home, right? I mean what do they expect me do, take a bus? Is that what they want? For me to take a bus? Well screw that! You take a bus.
Cleveland: I'm that kind of drunk.
Peter: (Throws keys to Cleveland) Shotgun!
(Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire are in the Drunken Clam)
Joe: Peter, you're urinating unusually frequently.
Quagmire: Yeah, what gives?
Shamus: If its gale force peein ya be doin, it could mean ya got barnacles on yer prostate. Best have sick bay check below yer decks.
Peter: Wait a minute, are you telling me I need a prostate exam?
Shamus: Aye, and soon, before your rudder jams with flotsam, and your droppin' anchor without an order from the captain. (pauses) How are you liking all of these nautical puns?
Joe: Cute.
Quagmire: Not bad.
Cleveland: Somewhat entertaining.
Old Lois: Hi, Glen. How's the arthritis?
Old Quagmire: Fine. 'Course, I've gotten a little stiff since you walked in, Giggety gigg... oop, I just pooped a little.
Old Cleveland: Oh... that's... nasty...
