Archer

Mondays 10:00 PM on FX
Archer
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Cyril: He can't come in without a warrant - well, unless you invite him in.
Archer: He's not a vampire, idiot. Plus it's daytim

Cyril: Only if you promise to periodically micromanage it and emasculate me.
Malory: Cyril. I would have thought that goes without saying.

Cyril: I only have two eyes and they were looking for hunters.
Lana: Why, is it pumpkin season?
Cyril: Is that a thing?

Ray: To reiterate, I am paralyzed!
Cyril: Well, join a support group.
Malory: For who? Crippled gay hillbilly spies? There's a niche.

Archer: Did you just say Gay G B?
Cyril: Aww...do you think it's the mustache?
Ray: It's not helping.

Ray: Ooh! Here's an idea. Why don't you just saw your God damned head off?
Cyril: Geez. What's up your butt?
Ray: Nothing is up my butt, Cyril. Oh, or maybe there is. I wouldn't know because I'm paralyzed from the waist down and it's Archer's fault!
Krieger: Uh, gettin' some mileage out of that, huh?

It's like a vagina with a zipper.

Cyril: Every single time we come here we have to help you get rid of a dead body.
Malory: Well you've only been here twice.

Cyril: And I thought, what would Lana do?
Archer: Not Archer?
Cyril: No, I had to outsmart them.

Cyril: I was jacking it on the telephone.
Archer: Does Internet porn know you were cheating on it?

Cyril: Kriegers father's was a Nazi scientist.
Malory: And JFK's father was a bootlegger.
Cyril: What!? That's like comparing apples to Nazi oranges.

Malory: Especially Sterling. If he found out i might have breast cancer, he'd be devastated. This information cannot leave this... Pam what the hell?
Pam: What? Nothing.
Malory: You're texting about my...
Pam: I'm not I swear, this is about...
Cheryl: Breast caner! Oh, you poor thing.
Malory: Pam!
Pam: what?
Malory: What is wrong with you?
Pam: I can't help it. It's like a disease.
Malory: Pam!
Pam: Do you not know what disease means? Oh sorry I forgot you might have...
Cyril: Breast cancer!

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 48 in total

Archer Quotes

Cyril: Archer, do something!
Archer: Who am I, Alan Turing? He was also in X-Men, remember?

Hawley: Awww screw me!
Archer: ...said Ripley to the android Bishop.