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Mac: You guys can't get welfare.
Dee: Uh, yeah, we can.
Mac: No, you can't. They don't give it to any jackass that walks in here. It's reserved for people who need it, okay?
Charlie: That's true...
Mac: Drug addicts. Mentally disabled. People with dependents, that sort of thing...
- Permalink: You guys can't get welfare. Uh, yeah, we can. No, you can't....
Drug Dealer: What you need?
Dennis: Uh, one, please.
Drug Dealer: One what?
Dennis: Uh... one rock of crack.
Dee: One crack...
Dennis: A crack rock. Is that enough? Is one crack rock enough? I don't...
Dee: Uh... how much would you recommend for a first-time user?
- Permalink: What you need? Uh, one, please. One what? Uh... one rock o...
Frank: Charlie, you've got a lot of balls, stealing my money. This shows leadership, I am promoting you to management.
Charlie: That's why I did it.
Mac: That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?
Frank: You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.
Sweet Dee: How come Charlie...? It's not fair...
Dennis: Why would you do this to us, dad?
Frank: Because you're crackheads, children.
- Permalink: Charlie, you've got a lot of balls, stealing my money. This show...
Dee: I haven't seen you for a month and I'm standing here in a neck brace. You gonna ask how I'm doing or what happened or...?
Barbara: I assume you did something stupid.
- Permalink: I haven't seen you for a month and I'm standing here in a neck b...
Dennis: Dee, you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing?
Sweet Dee: Same thing you're doing. I'm not letting dad give all this shit to poor people.
Dennis: Alright, hey I got here first though. I'm taking the plasma TV and I'm taking the fish tank.
Sweet Dee: How come you get to pick and choose?
Dennis: It's not that I get to pick and choose, it's that I'm a man and I'm strong. I can carry heavy things. You're a woman, you're weak and... you can't.
Sweet Dee: You're a woman and you're weak.
Dennis: That doesn't make any sense.
Sweet Dee: You don't make any sense
- Permalink: Dee, you scared the s**t out of me. What are you doing? Same t...
Three-quarters of a major is a lot bigger than a whole minor.
- Permalink: Three-quarters of a major is a lot bigger than a whole minor.
Mac: If the McPoyles got blown, and Charlie got blown, then why didn't I get blown?
Dennis: You're goin' to hell, dude.
- Permalink: If the McPoyles got blown, and Charlie got blown, then why didn'...
Dennis: So, you're not going to get in any trouble at all?
Charlie: Uh, no, no, not really. And since the McPoyles are going to plead guilty I'm sort of off the hook completely.
Dennis: That's great!
Dee: Oh, I'm sorry, was he saying that the intervention worked?
Dennis: No, I don't think that's what he's saying.
Dee: What are you talking about? It was the final push Charlie needed. Turns out: Three-quarters of a major, not so bad after all.
Charlie: Oh, and the best part of it actually for me now is the fact that everybody thinks that I've been molested. So in a way, my life is ruined. Uh, in the meantime, I'm gonna go in the back office and cry, and cry, and cry, and drink for a while.
Dennis: Emotional release, another giant step forward.
Dee: God, we're good. Doctor.
- Permalink: So, you're not going to get in any trouble at all? Uh, no, no,...
Charlie: I'll tell you what. I'll go with you, but you have to let me borrow your car any time I want.
Charlie: Every now and then...
Charlie: One time.
Dee: All right.
Charlie: And, you have to take me to lunch twice a week for a year.
Dee: No, I don't.
Charlie: Once a week.
- Permalink: I'll tell you what. I'll go with you, but you have to let me bor...
I have a little bit of a problem with old people...I find them kinda creepy...and scary. And gross, kinda gross. It's their hands really, you can see right through 'em and all their inside business.
- Permalink: I have a little bit of a problem with old people...I find them k...
Dee: Oh, you are being ridiculous. He's a professional football player.
Mac: No, look, I'm not talking about killing the guy. I'm just talking about going up there with a group of dudes and intimidate him, maybe break his arm.
Dee: You can't break Tom Brady's arm.
Mac: Oh yes, I can! No more Super Bowls for that pretty boy.
- Permalink: Oh, you are being ridiculous. He's a professional football playe...
Dee: We talked about it, and we decided that we need to get rid of that gun.
Dennis: Oh, oh, the gun...yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.
Mac: You could have been killed. Dennis could have killed you.
Charlie: Okay, good, yes, I think that would be for the best... ah...mm...Dee, could you get me a nurse?
Dee: Yeah, sure. [exits]
Charlie: Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun.
Mac: No way!
Dennis pulls gun out of his pants]: Never.
- Permalink: We talked about it, and we decided that we need to get rid of th...