Charlie: You think you're a god? I'm the one who's thriving! Look at me.
Dennis: You look like you're covered in Hawaiian Punch.

Mac: Dennis, how does this make you feel?
Dennis: Powerful.
Mac: Yes, of course. But, how does it affect you sexually?
Dennis: I'm very aroused right now.
Mac: I, too, am aroused.
Frank: I'm startin' to swell up.

Charlie: I'm getting sick of this shit. I really am. You keep treating me like a dumb-dumb and a grunt. I have potential, ya know. I could go places. I could do things. Who knows? I might even rule the world someday.
Dennis: Rule the world, huh? Yeah, if that happens, I'll blow myself.

Dennis: Real women don't even look like that.
Dee: Hey, guys!
Dennis: That (*points to Dee*) is what real women look like.
Mac: Dee, are you sick?
Dee: No! I feel great. I haven't been able to shower in a couple days. I've been gaming like a loon.

Dennis (to himself): Alright, Lefeve, time to put your money where
your mouth is. Time to kick things up a notch. (turns back to
shirtless tiny Asian boy while unzipping pants)
Tiny Asian Boy (now wearing caddy uniform with golf clubs in front of
him): So, only the one set of clubs?
Dennis (surprised): Yes! Clubs! You're a caddy. This is a golf
(motions with hand) yeah! Good! (re-buckles belt) That's better than
what I was about to - (laughs) Lemme, uh - gimme a minute, I need to
switch gears, I almost - yeah.

Mac: Okay, I'm going to run Ops. That door is the only entrance/exit,
so if anyone enters, I'll spring off the balcony.
Dennis: No, no. That's a 50 foot drop.
Mac: And I'm a professional, so I will tuck and roll the landing.
Dennis: You're gonna tuck and roll through a 50 foot drop?
Mac: Dennis, if I had a gun with me, I'd be spraying bullets into the
air as I fell.

Charlie: Frank's taking me under his wing. Teach me how to swim with the sharks.
Dennis: Charlie can't read.
Frank: He'll adapt.
Dennis: He'll adapt to reading?

Charlie: How's is this realistically going to solve our problem? Dennis, what do you think of this?
Dennis: Shh shh! I'm just trying to embrace this, maybe knock some emotion loose.

Dennis: Yeah, I gotta say - this is a strange place for a doctor's office. What's this guy's name?
Mac: Dr. Jinx.
Dennis: Dr. Jinx is the name of a monkey, not a man.

Therapist: Tell me about these size pills you're giving Mac.
Dennis: Well, now that's more like it. So, they're Mexican ephedra. Calling them 'size pills' was an elegant solution. The guy was gross, it was disgusting. He was fat as shit, he smelled like shit, he sounded like shit, his groans, his snores, his sleep apnea, it was gross. He was repulsive really.
Therapist: So, you've been drugging him secretly?
Dennis: Giving a man medicine for his disease. Wherever did I get that idea?
Therapist: What are you writing?
Dennis: What? No, not writing. Drawing. Drawing conclusions. Drawing this...
(Dennis holds up his drawing of himself holding the naked Therapist's grossly exaggerated and oversized breasts from behind) You like this? It's very generous.

Therapist: (to Dennis) That door is supposed to be locked.
Dennis: Yeah, I know. I taped the knob 'cuz I knew I'd be poppin' in and out.

Dennis: I have a background in academic psych from an Ivy League School. Not from... La Salle.
Frank: Sounds like a pasta dish.

It's Always Sunny Quotes

Frank: I opened up to a therapist just once. I was a kid. I got into a fight. The doctor asked me question after question, got me so scrambled up. Next thing I know, I was shanghai'd upstate to a nitwit school. You know what a nitwit school is?
Therapist: I assume you mean a school for the mentally disabled.
Frank (spits pistachio shell): Yeah, not just for nuts in the head, but bodies, too. Back then science was real crude, they stuck us all together. My roommate was a frog-kid. You ever see a frog-kid?

No I don't eat dragon, cause, uh, it's not a meal for peasants, it's a meal for kings, and I'm sort of a common man. But they don't eat us, it's a common misconception. They actually eat gold and treasure -- that's why they're always sitting on a pile of it.

Charlie