Diane Simmons Quotes
Season 7, Episode 12: "420"
Tom and Diane: (both stoned) Here's Ollie Williams with the Blaccu-weather forecast.
Tom: How's the weather look, Ollie?
(cut to a stoned Ollie at a field)
Ollie: (calmly) Not too bad.
(cut back to Tom and Diane)
Tom: Right on.
• Rating: Unrated
Season 5, Episode 17: "It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One"
Tom Tucker: Good evening Quahog, I'm Tom Tucker.
Diane Simmons: And I'm Diane Simmons. The Quahog mayoral race is heating up, with incumbent Adam West squaring off against challenger, Lois Griffin.
Tom Tucker: Which leads many political analysts to ask the question: Can a woman really be mayor? Or will she just menstruate all over the city? Stay with us.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Season 5, Episode 6: "Prick Up Your Ears"
Tom Tucker: In local news, a sexy new trend has emerged at James Woods High.
Diane Simmons: That's right Tom, It appears that students have taken to having ear sex, in lieu of traditional intercourse.
Tom Tucker: Over two hundred reports of ear sex have been confirmed so far, prompting a new slogan, "Once you go Black, you go deaf".
• Rating: Unrated
Season 4, Episode 27: "Untitled Griffin Family History"
Black Diane: Coming up this half hour: Flies on your face. How many is too many?
Black Tom: But first: That orange thing in the sky, and what you can do to please it.
• Rating: Unrated
Season 4, Episode 18: " The Father, The Son, and The Holy Fonz"
Diane: Also in the news some trouble at Saint Phillips church.
Tom: That's right Diane, a shipment of tainted holy water could put some local babies in jeopardy.
Diane: Sounds dangerous Tom, Be careful next time you're at confession telling the priest about cheating on your wife with that Filipino drag queen.
Tom: Well at least you're in no danger Diane since you only visit church to leave your self delivered, unwashed, half dead newborns on the back step. Coming up how to turn your unwanted change into foldin' money.
• Rating: Unrated
Season 3, Episode 21: "Family Guy Viewer Mail #1"
Little Diane: Tom, you're so far in the closet, you're finding Christmas presents
• Rating: 3.0 / 5.0
Season 3, Episode 8: "The Kiss Seen Around the World"
Diane: And reports indicate she has also consumed a record amount of seamen.
Tom: Well, that sounds like one powerful Hurricane, Diane
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Season 3, Episode 7: "Lethal Weapons"
Diane: Good evening, tonight's top story, Quahog is infested. With loud hairy creatures also known as New Yorkers
• Rating: Unrated
Season 3, Episode 6: "Death Lives"
Diane: A tragic accident today in the north Providence area, a family of four lost their lives when their mini van swerved off the road and into a ravine, exploding on impact.
[Tom laughs]
Diane: Do you find this funny Tom?
Tom: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I was remembering I accidentally put my shirt on inside out this morning. It's fine now though. So what were you saying about a.... fashion show?
• Rating: 3.0 / 5.0
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Total Quotes: 9