The Office

Dwight Schrute Quotes (Page 33)

Phyllis: I need you to put the Christmas tree back up.
Angela: It's outside.
Phyllis: I didn't ask you where it was. I told you where it needs to be.
Angela: Shut up.
Phyllis: Excuse me?
Angela: I'm not moving the tree. Face it. The only power you have over me is this big secret that I know you're not going to tell. And you want to know how I know that? Because then you won't be able to plan your stupid, tacky parties anymore. So you move the tree.
Phyllis: Okay. [turns to everyone] Angela's having sex with Dwight. I caught them doing it after Toby's going away party.
Dwight: Don't look so surprised.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Dwight: Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-ka-ching!
 • Rating: Unrated

Jim: That's the Christmas spirit.
Dwight: I am simply punishing those parents that would wait till the last minute to get their child a gift. And such a genetically improbable one. Look at that. How does that happen? King has sex with a unicorn? Man with a horn has sex with a royal horse?
Jim: Yes.
Michael: Oh, hey, is that Princess Unicorn? I thought they were all sold out.
Dwight: They are now.
Michael: Cool. [sings] My horn can pierce the sky!!
 • Rating: Unrated

Jim: Ah. You brought in your doll collection.
Dwight: These are not dolls, Jim. These are commodities. Same as gold or oil.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dwight: What is this?
Jim: Happy Holidays, Dwight. But do not open it till Christmas.
Dwight: You're so pathetic. How long did this take you? Three hours?
Jim: Five minutes actually. I am a black belt in gift wrapping.
Dwight: Yeah, no such thing. They don't give out black belts for things that are stupid.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Angela: I didn't-
Dwight: Haha, Mrs. Schrute.
Angela: We are not married.
Dwight: What...
Angela: Take this thing. [takes off twine ring]
Dwight: My... It's not my fault you don't understand German; I've been telling you to take it for years!
Andy: Are we, uh... are we leaving or what? [Mose hits Andy in the head with a deflated ball] Ow!
 • Rating: Unrated

Angela: Dwight, I thought I knew what I wanted. And then, being here with you and the German Mennonite minister... it just all felt right. I made a mistake picking Andy.
Dwight: I know you did. And that's why I have taken care of everything.
Angela: What do you mean?
Dwight: Well Monkey, he's a real minister. And you said, "I do." And I said, "I do." And Andy wasn't signing a receipt; he was signing our marriage certificate as a witness.
Angela: Dwight! That doesn't count!
Dwight: Yes, of course it does.
Angela: No, it doesn't!
Dwight: It does in the state of Pennsylvania.
 • Rating: Unrated

Angela: I work with Dwight.
Dwight: He doesn't understand a word you're saying.
Andy: What?
Dwight: Although born just minutes from here, he speaks only German. Closed society. So, now, after the readings by all of your sisters, we will arrive at the vows. So, Konrad... [speaks German to minister; minister begins speaking in German] And away we go. This is a little taste of the ceremony, if you will. He's explaining why we're here, what we're doing here, making introductions, blah blah blah... Then he's gonna have Andy repeat a bunch of stuff. He's gonna ask Andy to produce a ring. I have uh, now just uh... just some twine for our purposes, and you will put the ring on her finger. Yadda yadda, then he's going to ask Andy, uh, if he would like to marry Angela. And you will reply, "I do." [Andy mouths, "I do" silently] And then he's going to ask Angela if she would like to marry Andy, to which you will reply...
Angela: I do.
Dwight: And there we go. Okay, and that's just about it. Man and wife.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dwight: Have you made a decision on the butter sculpture?
Angela: No. I haven't thought of it.
Dwight: Okay. Cow, goat or sheep. It's not that hard.
Angela: I would like cat.
 • Rating: Unrated

Andy: Uh, Dwight, if we pay extra, could you slaughter the entrees the day before?
Dwight: ... I'll consider it.
Andy: See? That's how you do it! Makin' progress here. [steps in manure, trying to laugh it off] ... Darn! Heh.
Dwight: There's a hose out back.
Andy: Okay.
 • Rating: Unrated

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