The Office

Dwight Schrute Quotes (Page 36)

[Dwight has hung a large Cornell banner from the ceiling]
Andy: Take that down.
Dwight: Excuse me?
Andy: Take. That. Down.
Meredith: You know I once dated a couple of guys from Cornell. They were really nice. They gave me a ride home.
Andy: I seriously doubt that anyone from Cornell dated you.
Creed: It's pronounced Ker-nell. It's the highest rank in the military.
Andy: It's pronounced "Corn-ell!" It's the highest rank in the Ivy League!
 • Rating: Unrated

Michael: Oh, my God, what happened?
Jim: We were robbed last night.
Dwight: Bravo, Watson. Looks like a classic seven-man job. Okay, security tapes were stolen, Motives - financial, or possible, vintage HP computer collectors. Hank down at security had clocked out. And that's all we have.
 • Rating: Unrated

Phyllis: Hi.
Dwight: She introduced me to so many things. Pasteurized milk, sheets, monotheism, presents on your birthday, preventative medicine.
Phyllis: It's nice to learn new things.
Dwight: I was talking to myself.
Phyllis: Okay.
Dwight: I just don't get it.
Phyllis: What don't you get?
Dwight: Why is she marrying Andy?
Phyllis: Angela's not really a risk taker. And Andy's not really a risk.
Dwight: That's really fattening.
Phyllis: No, it's lettuce.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Dwight: Jan had the baby and Michael wasn't there to mark it. So the baby could be anybody's. Except Michael's.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dwight: Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jim: [Dwight walks back to his desk] 19 minutes and 48 seconds. What were we doing for 19 minutes and 48 seconds?
Dwight: None of your business.
Jim: So I guess I can assume that was personal.
Dwight: [Dwight stares at Angela, buttoning the top button of her blouse] Fine.
Jim: So maybe you're not completely ethical after all.
Dwight: Yes, maybe I'm not.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Michael: Does anyone have any idea what the number one cause of death is in this country?
Dwight: Shotgun weddings.
Jim: That's not what that is.
Creed: Fright. Being scared to death.
Michael: No.
Holly: Obesity-caused illnesses.
Dwight: Obesity-caused illnesses.
Michael: Thank you. Holly is right.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Meredith: What should we do with all these leftovers?
Stanley: I'm taking the dumplings for my wife.
Dwight: No, no, no. This is your last meal. There will be no leftovers.
Creed: I can bring these to my shelter.
 • Rating: Unrated

Michael: All right, everybody. This is your last meal, so eat up.
Dwight: From this point forward, you will not use the bathroom. We need to keep our starting weights high so we can lose more.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dwight: Wait a minute. One more bite of eclair each. Hold it in your mouth if you can't swallow.
Jim: [looks to Michael for a "That's what she said," but Michael is silent] Really? Nothing?
 • Rating: Unrated

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