A 30-year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so I couldn't hear the other dead people.

Dwight

Thank God. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a nine bedroom farmhouse. I have my own crossbow range. It's the perfect situation for me. Although the two bathrooms would have been nice. We just have the one... and it's under the porch.

Dwight: You said we could come to you if we had any questions. (Pause) Where is the clitoris? On a website it says "At the crest of the labia." What does that mean? (Pause) What does the female vagina look like?
Toby: Technically, I am in Human Resources, and Dwight was asking me about human anatomy. Um... I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly.

Michael: I was on a hot date with a girl from HR, Dwight...
Dwight: Really? We don't have any girls in HR.
Michael: You know for the sake of the story... and things were getting hot and heavy...
Dwight: Yeah!
Michael: And I was about to take her bra off...
Dwight: Yeah!
Michael: And she made me fill out six hours worth of paperwork.
Dwight: Like an AIDS test?
Michael: No. God, Dwight.

Dwight: The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.

Michael: I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that dwarf from Lord of the Rings.
Dwight: Gimli.
Michael: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.

Dwight: So, we need someone to work this Saturday and I think that that should be... Jim.
Jim: God this is so sad. I think this is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to somebody's head.

Dwight: Did you get your tickets?
Jim: To what?
Dwight: [kisses bicep] The gun show.

Dwight: Number one: Inverted penis.
Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Because, if you do, I want that covered.
Dwight: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.
Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.

Dwight: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it.

Dwight: OK, first let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael: Uh, none. You're picking a health care plan.

In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.

Dwight
Displaying quotes 613 - 624 of 634 in total

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The Office Quotes

Michael: Did I ever tell you about the day that Steve Martin died?
Pam: Steve Martin's not dead, Michael.
Michael: I know. But I always thought that the day that he died would be the worst day of my life. I was wrong. It's this.

Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.

Michael
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