Have you ever tried to use a chain with three weak links? I have, and now I no longer own an arctic wolf.

That baby is a Schrute, and unless somebody taught Mose sex, that baby is mine.

Oscar: Don't you wanna see the baby?
Dwight: Why? I know what Angela and the Senator look like. I can mash that up in my head right now.

He remembers Toby, the most forgettable man in the known world.

You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to beg for mercy. You have the right to request judgment by combat. Dwight's rights.

I can't believe that let someone like you serve on a jury. Makes me question the whole judicial system.

Erin: Dwight, are chemistry is really clicking. We work so well together.
Dwight: I know. I could just bang you right now.

Erin: What is the most romantic possible thing?
Dwight: We can get some chicken fights going in the pool.

Robert: Alligators are dinosaurs Dwight. You know that right?
Dwight: Mmmm, it's complicated.

You're a perfectly fine toilet. I'm just an extraordinary piece of crap.

Dwight: What is your goal?
Darryl: Help me!
Dwight: What do you want?!
Darryl: To look good for Val!
Dwight: Val Kilmer?! I don't buy it; that doesn't make any sense!...Wow...We figured out your goal...I am gonna make you the buffest dude Val Kilmer has ever seen.

I am always acting in self-defense...occasionally preemptive self-defense.

The Office Quotes

Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.

Michael

When I was in college I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was puke. I would chug a fifth of socos, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskies, some Jell-O shots, do some body shots off myself, pass out, wake up the next morning, puke, rally, more soco, head to class. Probably would have gotten expelled if I had let it affect my grades, but I aced all my courses. They called me Ace. It was totally awesome. Got straight B's. They called me Buzz.

Andy