NCIS

Tuesdays 8:00 PM on CBS
Ncis
TV Fanatic Works Better with Prime Instant Video
40,000 other titles are available to watch now.

Jake: Agent DiNozzo, I presume?
Tony: The elusive Jake. It's nice to know Bishop hasn't been catfishing us all year. I was starting to wonder.
Bishop: Well you can stop wondering, Tony. As you can see, Jake is quite real.
Tony: Unless he's a hologram who can shake hands.
Jake: NSA is actually working on one of those, I've seen the prototype.
Tony: Yeah that'd be pretty fun. Really?
Jake: No.
Tony: Had me, for a second. That's too bad, because I'd like one of those. I like him, he's quick.

Tony: I hate couples.
Bishop: You asked how we met.
Jake: Granted, you kind of had to be there.
Tony: Oh no, not you guys. You're great. Just couples in general.

Bishop: His gun's gone, Tony.
Tony: Great. We're snowed in here with an airport filled with cranky passengers, a dead fake Air Marshall and his killer on the loose somewhere on the loose with a knife and a gun. Anybody else feel like they're playing Clue?

Tony: Maybe that's why we never see Jake. Maybe she ate him.
Bishop: Or maybe he's just busy.
Tony: Or maybe you had him with fava beans, and a nice Chianti

McGee: All right. Well you should probably know that Abby and I used to date?
Bishop: Ew. Like, each other?
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: Wait - isn't that a violation of rule 12, never date a....
McGee: It was a long time ago. After we'd broken up, one night I went to her lab. Found a scribbled piece paper; a list. Potential boyfriends had to fulfill certain conditions by a pre-arranged date or else, goodbye.
Bishop: Such as.
McGee: Things started off relatively normal: opening the door for her, flowers, putting the seat down. Then around number 8, it gets uh...
Bishop: What?
McGee: Does she know you have these?
Bishop: Does she know you have these?
McGee: Yeah she wasn't happy when she found out.
Bishop: These are all very specific.
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: These ideas apply to you?
McGee: No those rules weren't in place when we were together. At least I don't think so.
Bishop: What's with the two month cutoff? Abby's sabotaging herself. I've seen stuff like this before. We have to talk to her.

You're under arrest sweetheart.

Ducky: Allow me to impart a little bit of wisdom that I have given to each and every aspiring agent before you, on this your probie eval day. Don't fret your number. Jethro gives low scores to push you.
Bishop: Wait. What?
Palmer: The lower your score, the more potential Gibbs thinks you have.
Bishop: So if you got a high score?
Ducky: Then, I would advise you to turn in your badge

Bishop: Just give me the chance. Let me prove myself.
Gibbs: That why you went in after Caldwell? To prove yourself?
Bishop: What else am I supposed to do when you don't believe in me? I know what an 82 on an eval means.
Tony: I got to get a thing for my thing.
McGee: I'm going to help him with that thing
Gibbs: I'm doing things different now. High score means you did good. That's it.
Bishop: You pushed all the other probies. Why would you change things for me? Why?
Gibbs: Bishop.
Bishop: Why are you treating me different?
Gibbs: You know what I want to say to you, for letting Caldwell get away?
Bishop: Something other than "it's fine".
Gibbs: You're damned right.
Bishop: Then say it! You're going easy on me. For Caldwell, for the eval. You've been going easy on me since day one, haven't you?

Gibbs: Bishop. You were right.
Bishop: I was?
Gibbs: I have been going easy on you. But it's got nothing to do with you.
Bishop: I don't understand.
Gibbs: It's about that desk. I've lost two people off that desk. Good people. And it's on me. I was doing something wrong. When something's wrong, change it.
Bishop: This job is hard.
Gibbs: I know that.
Bishop: It's hard, Gibbs. It's inevitable you'd lose people along the way. Doesn't mean your way of teaching is wrong. Look at Tony, McGee: they're amazing.
Gibbs: Yeah.
Bishop: I want to be like them. I want to be like you, Gibbs. I'm asking you to push me to be like you.
Gibbs: Okay.
Bishop: Okay?
Gibbs: Yeah. Okay. Back to the old way.
Bishop: Thank you.
Gibbs: This floor is for standing and walking.
Bishop: What?
Gibbs: Sit in your damned chair, Bishop.

Bishop: What about Chris in HR?
Tony: Nah. Too judgmental. She never laughed at the emails I sent her.
McGee: That's because they were offensive.
Tony: See? Too judgmental.
Bishop: What about Erica from accounting? What went wrong there?
Tony: Cats. They were all named Mr. Darcy.
Bishop: Don't you think you're being a little picky?
Tony: Well, there's a lot of fish in the sea.
McGee: Not at the rate you've been fishing.
Tony: What can I say, McGee? Women find me alluring.

Bishop: Okay. Which costume do you like better for me and Jake? Popeye and Olive Oil or the old farming couple from American Gothic?
Tony: Neither. Bishop this is a chance for you to be whoever you want for one night. Why don't you get crazy; step out of your preppy librarian "hot for teacher" comfort zone?
Bishop: Hey.
McGee: What are your other ideas?
Bishop: I don't want to say.
Tony: Romeo and Juliet.
McGee: Cinderella and Prince Charming.
Tony: Anthony and Cleopatra
McGee: Bonnie and Clyde
Tony: How close are we?

Bishop: Agent Keats, I was just wondering, for no particular reason: what are your thoughts on classic movie marathons and homecooked Italian meals?
Keates: Well, I appreciate the offer, but you're barking up the wrong tree.
Bishop: No, no no, I wasn't----
McGee: Smooth.

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 46 in total

NCIS Quotes

McGee: All right. Well you should probably know that Abby and I used to date?
Bishop: Ew. Like, each other?
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: Wait - isn't that a violation of rule 12, never date a....
McGee: It was a long time ago. After we'd broken up, one night I went to her lab. Found a scribbled piece paper; a list. Potential boyfriends had to fulfill certain conditions by a pre-arranged date or else, goodbye.
Bishop: Such as.
McGee: Things started off relatively normal: opening the door for her, flowers, putting the seat down. Then around number 8, it gets uh...
Bishop: What?
McGee: Does she know you have these?
Bishop: Does she know you have these?
McGee: Yeah she wasn't happy when she found out.
Bishop: These are all very specific.
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: These ideas apply to you?
McGee: No those rules weren't in place when we were together. At least I don't think so.
Bishop: What's with the two month cutoff? Abby's sabotaging herself. I've seen stuff like this before. We have to talk to her.

Tony: You know the "Men" in "Men's Room" is more of a rule than a suggestion, probie.
Bishop: Look, you two always get to go off giggling to the urinal together and I always get left out. So we're going to talk and we're going to do it here.