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Jules: I want to put that on a string and wear it around my neck.
Ellie: sweetie, when you say people's body parts are so adorable you want to wear them, it makes you seem a little serial killer-ey, especially when you do it about kids.
Jules: I'd love to have a scarf of little baby hands.
Ellie: See, that's not a great out loud thought.

Jules: I'm actually feeling a little guilty. Last night you left your purse here and when the pizza man came i was two dollars short, so I took it from you.
Ellie: Two bucks? Big deal.
Jules: I also took a pack of gum, lipstick, and 28 other dollars. I was going out to get wine.
Ellie: You stole from me to support a drinking habit? I am so proud of you.

That's a pine cone, no matter how much you keep fondling it, it'll never take you to Cabo.

Ellie: Why are those two so mopey?
Andy: You know that secret I've been keeping since Thanksgiving? Well I'll save the heart burn and stress so I'm just gonna let it out. Bobby and Grayson are both kind of interested in Jules.
Ellie: Are you telling me the overly flirty next door neighbor and the ex-husband who's never not here both like Jules? That is a revelation!

Jules: Not that I would date two guys at the same time anyways, because in grade school this nun told me if I kissed two boys in one day their spit would mix in my mouth and it would kill me.
Ellie: Religion is fantastic.

Laurie: If Matt Damon weren't married and if he weren't a movie star and if he lived this town, we would totally date.
Jules: That's a lot of if's.
Ellie: Yeah, not enough.

Ellie: Racist Uncle or Drug Dealer Uncle?
Jules: Racist Uncle. Drug Dealer Uncle is now Prison Uncle.
Ellie: Oh right, because of Detective Cousin.

Ellie: Why are your boyfriends acting so weird?
Andy: First of all, only Bobby is my boyfiend and they're not acting weird.

Jules: In one of our friendship talks, Travis told me she's not even on the pill. Condoms break all the time.
Laurie: Especially if there's piercings involved.
Ellie: Stop, I'm begging you.

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