South Park

Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy Central
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Ms. Choksondik: Alright, children, now I've sure you already know, but the president has asked that all American children send one dollar to the children of Afghanistan. Now I've got a list of addresses and we're all going to chip in...
Cartman: Ha! I'm not giving a dollar to those towel-heads!
Ms. Choksondik: Eric, the Afghan people need our help!
Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry, but I thought we're at war with these assholes!
Wendy: We're at war with terrorists, fat-ass, not with Afghanistan! And the reason you'd care is so you don't give them a dollar!
Cartman: (stands up) That dollar buys me a chocolate milk for lunch! What, you want me to get a regular milk for 50 cents?? Now look... It's not our fault that terrorists hate us; we're just kids. We're not the one's dropping bombs on them; we're just caught in the middle. It's not our fault.
Wendy: The Afghan people are caught in the middle, too.
Cartman: Yes, but they're sand-monkeys!
Ms. Choksondik: Alright, children, settle down! We're all sending dollars to the children of Afghanistan, that's it, end of discussion!
Cartman: (sits down) GODDAMMIT, I HATE REGULAR MILK!!!

Kyle: (after Stan puts up the miniature flag) Dude, I thought those Afghani kids talked to us about not liking America...
Stan: No, dude. America might have some problems, but it's our home. Our country. Our team. And if you don't want to root for your team, then just get the hell out of the stadium.
Kyle: Yeah.
Stan: Go America. Go Broncos.
Kyle: Yeah, go Broncos.
Cartman: Yeah.

Kyle: Remember when life used to be simple and cool?
Cartman: Not really.
Butters: (walks to the bus stop) Uh, hey. How's it going fellas?
Stan: Butters! What the hell do you think you're doing??
Butters: Well, I'm just standing around being a kid, why? How come you're wearing them oogy spaceman masks?
Kyle: These are gas masks, Butters!
Stan: Yeah, if you don't wear a gas mask, you'll be easily exposed to smallpox or anthrax!
Butters: What?! Oh, Jesus! I don't wanna get the 'thrax, fellas! W-what do I do??
Stan: There's nothing you can doexcept stop breathing.
Butters: Stop breathing??
Kyle: Yeah, you can't get it if you don't breath.
Butters: Oh, all right, then! (inhales deeply and holds breath)

(Kyle tries to convince the Afghani people that they are not American)
Kyle: Greetings from Canada. Well boys, it's aboot time we get to our hoose in Canada, isn't it?
Cartman: Ey, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not a God damn Canadian, and neither are you!
Stan: Cartman, you stupid asshole!

Eh What's up, Bin Laden?

Evil Towel: What are you doing?
Towelie: Get away from me, evil towel!
Evil Towel: Towelie, listen to me Let them go. Drop them.
Towelie: No way! They're my friends!
Evil Towel: They aren't your friends! Humans have ruined the environment and killed off their own kind! Their time is over! It's the towels' turn now.
Kyle: (continues reaching for the Gamesphere) I-I've almost got it!
Evil Towel: You're going to let them go, Towelie. Because (holds up a joint) I know your weakness.
(Towelie eyes the joint in the Evil Towel's hand)
Evil Towel: Here, you can reach it Come on, Towelie. How long's it been since you had an nice burn, huh? Twenty? Thirty seconds?
Stan: Oh, crap!
Evil Towel: You're going to have to choose between saving their lives AND getting high.
Towelie: You asshole
Cartman: Towelie! Don't let go, you goddamn towel! Kyle's almost there!
Evil Towel: Go ahead, Towelie. Make your decision.
Towelie: I choose I choose Both!
(Towelie reaches over to puff on the joint, as Kyle grabs the Gamesphere in the nick of time.)

Stan: Do you have our Okama Gamesphere?
Military Leader: You did very well bring the towel back here, boys. Let me ask you something... What was it that those people at Tynacorp told you? That the "big, bad Military" wanted to turn Towelie into a weapon of mass destruction? Now let me tell you the REAL story...
Stan: Oh, God! Don't care, don't care!
Military Leader: Yes, we've been making our own smart-towels, but only because we HAD to. You see, when we started spying on Tynacorp, we discovered a certain terrifying secret...
(The boys just stand there and stare.)
Military Soldier: Go on! Ask him what terrifying secret!
Kyle: What terrifying secret?
Military Leader: That Tynacorp was using these towels to take over the world!
Cartman: (to Kyle) We're never gonna play our Okama Gamesphere again, are we?
Military Leader: Don't you see what towels like these are capable of?? You get out of the shower and dry yourself off... But then, the towel makes you drier and keeps on making you more dry... Can you imagine it? What it would be like to be way, way too dry? I'll tell you something: you don't want to know, and I don't know.
Kyle: And we don't care.
Military Leader: You've been double-crossed by Tynacorp, kids. They set this all up just so they can get you here and take us down.
Stan: So let me get this straight... Our Okama Gamesphere is back at Tynacorp?
Military Leader: Oh, yes. It has been all along...

Kyle: (talking to his mom on the phone) Yea mom, I can't go to the lake. No, Stan's having emotional problems and I need to help Stan through it. He's got (asks Cartman) What is it?
Cartman: Date-rape psychosis.
Kyle: Date-rape something. YeaOkI willOk, thanks mom.

Kyle: (to Stan about the Gamesphere) Wow, dude. You're the luckiest kid in South Park.
Cartman: Hey, this is all of ours! I'm the one who found Stan's aborted brother in the trash can and blackmailed his mom into getting the Gamesphere!

(to Mrs. Marsh) You shouldn't have done that. He's just a boy!

Stan: Ok guys focus; it looks like this is going to be an underwater level.
Towelie: (high; slurred) Don't forget to bring a towel.
(the boys laugh)
Cartman: You're the worst character ever, Towelie.
Towelie: I know.

Cartman: You are the worst character ever, Towelie.
Towelie: I know.

Displaying quotes 109 - 120 of 507 in total

South Park Quotes

James Cameron doesn't do what James Cameron does for James Cameron. James Cameron does what James Cameron does because James Cameron is James Cameron!

James Cameron

It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation, this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.

</i> Cartman