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Cartman: (approaches Shelley) Well, go put that pizza in the oven, b*tch! I'm hungry! (she punches him into the wall) Ow!
Shelley: Alright, turd, listen up! Now that your mom is gone, I'm in charge. I don't know how you treat your other babysitters, but when I'm babysitting, you're nothing but a little turd. You're a stinky dried-up stupid turd! Got it?!
Cartman: You can't hit me! Didn't you see those nanny videos on TV? (she punches him, sending him into the wall again)
Shelley: My boyfriend is coming over, so you go to the kitchen, and you make us that pizza before I snap you in half like the little turd-stick you are!

Sexual Harassment Panda: "Article 36, Section 19: One panda may not make sexual comments about another panda's appearance. If said panda does make"
Stan: Ugh, dude, get me out of here!
Cartman: I think Sexual Harassment Panda is cool.
Stan: You would think that, you little a*s-sucker.
Cartman: What did you call me?
Stan: An a*s-sucker. It means you suck a*s. You see an a*s, you suck it. You're an a*s-sucker.
Cartman: That does it! I am suing you for sexual harassment!
Sexual Harassment Panda: Uh-oh.
Stan: What?
Cartman: You have sexually harassed me for the last time! It says right here that now I can sue you and take all of your money.
Sexual Harassment Panda: That's right, he can.
Stan: No you can't, you little a*s-sucker!
Cartman: Oh, you did it again! You all heard him!
Sexual Harassment Panda: "The first party of the first panda may sue the second-party panda unless that panda was said panda aforementioned panda."

Pig with scissors: Oink! Oink! "Be sure you run around with scissors" says Oinky The Run Around With Scissors Pig!
Cartman: I thought you weren't supposed to run around with scissors.
Worm: That's why he's on the Island of Misfit Mascots.

Skeeter: We don't take kindly to your types around here.
Cartman: Did you guys see a big panda bear in here or not?
Skeeter: We don't take kindly to panda bears!
Stan: Well, we don't take kindly to you!
Man at bar: We don't take kindly to folks that don't take kindly around here.

Mr Garrison: Now does anyone know what sexual harassment means? (Cartman raises his hand) Yes Eric?
Cartman: When you're trying to have intercourse with a lady friend, and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.

Cartman: Oh, you didn't see it? Tweek's family was on the news saying what a wuss you are Craig.
Kyle: Yea, and then Craig's family came on and said that Tweek was the wuss, and punched Tweek's mom in the hooters.
Tweek: Ahh! You son of a bitch.
Tweek and Craig start fighting again

(Cartman and Craig are Sumoing)
Cartman: Respect mah authoritah!! (Shoves his ass at Craig)
Craig: Oh, Jesus! I can't take it!
Sumo Trainer: Fight back! Resist the ass!
Craig: How can I resist an ass so great!?!
Sumo Master: It is only an ass! You must overcome the ass with your mind!

Cartman: Well then I guess you won't care about what Tweek said about your mom.
Craig: Nope.
(slams door)
(knocks and Craig opens the door)
Cartman: I guess you won't care about what he said about your guinea pig.

Woman: Richard, you have to go on. I want you to be happy.
Adler: But I never got to say goodbye to you.
Woman: Then say it now, Richard.
Richard: Goodbye...
Woman: There. Now are you happy?
Adler: No
Woman: Of course you aren't. Saying goodbye doesnt mean anything. It's the times that we lived in that matters, not how we left it.
Adler: You're right... You're right!
Grandma: Richard! It's me! Grandma!
Adler: Grandma?! Hi, Gram
Corey: Hey, Richard! Remember me?!
Adler: Uncle Corey! Wow, you're all alive again!
Corey: No, we're dead!
Stan: Hey, guys. How are ya feeling?
Tweek: Ahh!
Craig: Uhh.
Stan: Yeah, well, we have something to say.
Kyle: We wanted to see who was the toughest. WE made you fight each other. WE made up all that stuff we said.
*Craig flips off boys*
Cartman: Yes, you can flip us off Craig, we deserve that. We just came by to apologize, we feel so bad.

Kyle: Craig's going down, Cartman!
Cartman: Pretty soon, you'll be eating those words.
Kyle; No I won't, 'cuz you'd eat them first, tubby!

Cartman: When I have you guy's 10 bucks I'm gonna use it to buy the sweetest big screen TV in the world.
Kyle: That's more than 10 bucks you stupid fat ass!
Cartman: But if I get 10 bucks from each of you that's like $2000.

Cartman: Craig's been ready for this fight for days. He doesn't even view it as a challenge.
Kyle: He'll view it as a challenge when Tweek's kicking his ass!
Cartman: What's that? Kinda sounds like diarrhea coming out of someone's mouth!

Displaying quotes 301 - 312 of 498 in total

South Park Quotes

James Cameron doesn't do what James Cameron does for James Cameron. James Cameron does what James Cameron does because James Cameron is James Cameron!

James Cameron

Mr. Garrison Sr.: Would you have sex with your son to save his life?
Man at bar 1: Oh, this is one of them scruples questions ain't it?
Man at bar 2: No, no I got a better one: Would you have sex with your motherto save your father's life?
Man at bar 1: You mean like if someone had a gun to your father's head and said if you don't have sex with her, I'll kill him?
Bartender: If a killer put a knife to my throat and said "have sex with your mother or I'm gonna kill your father while having sex with you, I would have sex with myself.

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