South Park

Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy Central
South park
TV Fanatic Works Better with Prime Instant Video
40,000 other titles are available to watch now.

Kyle: Dude! They're gonna say "shit" on television??
Stan: You can't say "shit" on television!
Cartman: It was just on the news! People are freaking out, dude.
Stan: Holy ****ing shit!

Cartman: You guys! You guys! Oh my god! Oh my god, you guys!
Kyle: What, doughboy?
Cartman: I was... (catches breath) I was just watching the TV and they had this commercial.
Stan: So?
Cartman: So... Guess what they're gonna say tonight on that show "Cop Drama"?
Kyle: What?
Cartman: No, c'mon, guess! They're gonna say something that's never been said on television!
Stan: What?
Cartman: Guess.
Kyle: Goddamit, Cartman! What are they gonna say on "Cop Drama"?
Cartman: Okay, you ready? Tonight...on "Cop Drama"...on TV,...they're gonna say... (looks to the left and right) "shit".

Stan: I can't belive they actually said it...
Cartman: Dude, you missed it, Kyle! It was so awesome!
Kyle: (sarcastically) Well, I hope it lived up to all the hype. You must feel so much better now.
Cartman: Kyle, you've got to get that sand out of your vagina; it's making you cranky. Does it itch?
Kyle: Do you really think anything's gonna be any different now? Do you really think that this will have the tiniest smallest effect on the world? It's still the same old world out there. Look! (opens door and the boys see frogs falling from the sky)
Kyle: What the hell...?
Cartman: Whoa, dude. It's raining frogs...
Kyle: (walks away) Oh, whatever!

Stan: Wow, your dad's a perv and your mom tried to kill you.
Butters: Yeah, you guys sure are gonna rip on me at school.
Cartman: We sure are.
Butters: Yeah, but as soon as we get to Bennigan's and I get my mozzarella burger I'll forget all about my dad being queer and my mom trying to kill me.
Stan: Really?
Butters: No, I'm lying.

Chris Stotch: You see, I've learned something today, and it took the knowledge of my young son here for me to realize it. Recently I'd been lying to my wife; I've been going to gay theaters and bath houses and having sex with anonymous men.
Butters: What?
Cartman: Whoa!
Linda: And when I found out about this I went crazy and I drove my son into the lake, I drove my son into the lake to kill him.
Butters: WHAT!
Chris: You see, we'd both been lying to all of you. And I know though many of you supported us, some of you also doubted us. You'd look at me and you'd say "Hello" but really you'd be thinking
(camera pan's to Gary Condit)
Liar! You're a liar! You know something you're not telling us you slimy scumbag liar! Or you be talking to my wife but secretly you'd be thinking
(camera pans to OJ)
MURDER! You got away with murder you stinking scumbag liar!
And that's what people would be thinking, or sometimes people would be talking with both of us and they would think
(camera pans to the Ramsey's)
MURDERER'S! You know goddamn well what happened to your kid so stop playing the victim and just confess you lying murdering liars!
(camera pans back to OJ)
MURDERER!
(back to Gary Condit) LIAR!
(back to the Ramseys) CONFESS!
(camera pans over all of them) MURDERER, LIAR, CONFESS!
So the people we owe the biggest apology to is OJ, Jon and Pat Ramsey and Senator Gary Condit, because we gave them false hope of catching who ever hurt them this badly, and that's not right. We're sorry. And that's what people would be thinking. So who we really owe the biggest apology for is to OJ, Jon and Pat Ramsey and Senator Gary Condit, because we gave you false hope.

Cartman: Look, I put the stem cells from all the fetuses I had next to a Shakey's and they ARE replicating a new Shakey's! It worked!
Stan: This whole time you were just using Kenny's illness to lift the ban on stem cell research so you could sell your stupid fetuses?
Cartman: Stupid fetuses!? It's my own Shakey's!
Kyle: I actually hugged you. I held you in my arms and, and, cried with you.
Cartman: I think I only need a hundred or so more aborted babies and I can finish up the kitchen.
Kyle: AAAHHH! (Kyle attacks Cartman)
Stan: Hey, I wasn't Kenny's worst f-f-f-friend, Cartman was!

Cartman (on phone): Okay Gary. How about $90 a fetus?
Gary: How about $50 a fetus?
Cartman (on phone): Come on Gary. You are breaking my balls Gary! You are breaking my balls. How about $70? Okay, I'll call you back.

Kyle: Alright, Cartman, what's so important that you had to pull us away from lighting cow crap on fire?
Cartman: Oh, you guys, you're not gonna believe it!
Stan: What?
Cartman: Guess what I have, sitting in my backyard.
Kyle: A trampoline?
Cartman: Better.
Stan: A boat?
Cartman: Better.
Kenny: (muffled) A football machine?
Cartman: Better.
Stan: Well, what, Cartman?
Cartman: Thirty-three aborted fetuses. (Stan,Kyle and Kenny look at him blankly) Oh yes.
Kyle: (closes his eyes) What?!
Cartman: Mint-condition, tax-free.
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you doing with aborted fetuses?
Kyle: I'm leaving, right now.
Cartman: Well, I guess you don't watch the news, Kyle.
Kyle: You've never watched the news, fat-ass! What the hell does that have to do with anything?!
Cartman: Stem-cells, numb-nuts.
Stan: Stem-cells?
Kyle: Oh, and what do you know about stem-cells?
Kenny(muffled): What the f--k are stem-cells?
Kyle: They're cells that come from fetuses, and some research shows that they could be used to treat diseases.
Cartman: It's been proven, Jew! I saw it on 321 contact, and with all the research that's going on, stem-cells are worth three times their weight in gold. What I have in my backyard, is an aborted treasure chest.
Kyle: I hate you, so much.

Cartman: Doctor, can you tell me exactly how stem cells work?
Doctor: Well you have trillions of cells in your body, heart cells, skin cells, brain cells and so on. But before a cell is designated as a toenail cell, or a pancreas cell, it's what we call a stem cell. Sort of like a blank cell, do you understand?
Cartman: Not at all, but go on.

Cartman: Butters take over for now. Remember what I taught you.
Butters: Come on Jerry you are breakingmy balls. That's right. You heard me. You're breakingmyballs.

Liane: Sweetie, your friends are downstairs. They need to see you.
Cartman: Not now Mom, I've only unloaded three feti. I've gotta sell the rest before they spoil.

Kyle: (Talking about Kenny) They say, he might die.
Cartman: Kenny die?

Displaying quotes 73 - 84 of 502 in total

South Park Quotes

It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation, this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.

</i> Cartman

James Cameron doesn't do what James Cameron does for James Cameron. James Cameron does what James Cameron does because James Cameron is James Cameron!

James Cameron
× Close Ad