Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy Central
South-park

Chris Stotch: You see, I've learned something today, and it took the knowledge of my young son here for me to realize it. Recently I'd been lying to my wife; I've been going to gay theaters and bath houses and having sex with anonymous men.
Butters: What?
Cartman: Whoa!
Linda: And when I found out about this I went crazy and I drove my son into the lake, I drove my son into the lake to kill him.
Butters: WHAT!
Chris: You see, we'd both been lying to all of you. And I know though many of you supported us, some of you also doubted us. You'd look at me and you'd say "Hello" but really you'd be thinking
(camera pan's to Gary Condit)
Liar! You're a liar! You know something you're not telling us you slimy scumbag liar! Or you be talking to my wife but secretly you'd be thinking
(camera pans to OJ)
MURDER! You got away with murder you stinking scumbag liar!
And that's what people would be thinking, or sometimes people would be talking with both of us and they would think
(camera pans to the Ramsey's)
MURDERER'S! You know goddamn well what happened to your kid so stop playing the victim and just confess you lying murdering liars!
(camera pans back to OJ)
MURDERER!
(back to Gary Condit) LIAR!
(back to the Ramseys) CONFESS!
(camera pans over all of them) MURDERER, LIAR, CONFESS!
So the people we owe the biggest apology to is OJ, Jon and Pat Ramsey and Senator Gary Condit, because we gave them false hope of catching who ever hurt them this badly, and that's not right. We're sorry. And that's what people would be thinking. So who we really owe the biggest apology for is to OJ, Jon and Pat Ramsey and Senator Gary Condit, because we gave you false hope.

Cartman: Look, I put the stem cells from all the fetuses I had next to a Shakey's and they ARE replicating a new Shakey's! It worked!
Stan: This whole time you were just using Kenny's illness to lift the ban on stem cell research so you could sell your stupid fetuses?
Cartman: Stupid fetuses!? It's my own Shakey's!
Kyle: I actually hugged you. I held you in my arms and, and, cried with you.
Cartman: I think I only need a hundred or so more aborted babies and I can finish up the kitchen.
Kyle: AAAHHH! (Kyle attacks Cartman)
Stan: Hey, I wasn't Kenny's worst f-f-f-friend, Cartman was!

Cartman (on phone): Okay Gary. How about $90 a fetus?
Gary: How about $50 a fetus?
Cartman (on phone): Come on Gary. You are breaking my balls Gary! You are breaking my balls. How about $70? Okay, I'll call you back.

Kyle: Alright, Cartman, what's so important that you had to pull us away from lighting cow crap on fire?
Cartman: Oh, you guys, you're not gonna believe it!
Stan: What?
Cartman: Guess what I have, sitting in my backyard.
Kyle: A trampoline?
Cartman: Better.
Stan: A boat?
Cartman: Better.
Kenny: (muffled) A football machine?
Cartman: Better.
Stan: Well, what, Cartman?
Cartman: Thirty-three aborted fetuses. (Stan,Kyle and Kenny look at him blankly) Oh yes.
Kyle: (closes his eyes) What?!
Cartman: Mint-condition, tax-free.
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you doing with aborted fetuses?
Kyle: I'm leaving, right now.
Cartman: Well, I guess you don't watch the news, Kyle.
Kyle: You've never watched the news, fat-ass! What the hell does that have to do with anything?!
Cartman: Stem-cells, numb-nuts.
Stan: Stem-cells?
Kyle: Oh, and what do you know about stem-cells?
Kenny(muffled): What the f--k are stem-cells?
Kyle: They're cells that come from fetuses, and some research shows that they could be used to treat diseases.
Cartman: It's been proven, Jew! I saw it on 321 contact, and with all the research that's going on, stem-cells are worth three times their weight in gold. What I have in my backyard, is an aborted treasure chest.
Kyle: I hate you, so much.

Cartman: Doctor, can you tell me exactly how stem cells work?
Doctor: Well you have trillions of cells in your body, heart cells, skin cells, brain cells and so on. But before a cell is designated as a toenail cell, or a pancreas cell, it's what we call a stem cell. Sort of like a blank cell, do you understand?
Cartman: Not at all, but go on.

Cartman: Butters take over for now. Remember what I taught you.
Butters: Come on Jerry you are breakingmy balls. That's right. You heard me. You're breakingmyballs.

Liane: Sweetie, your friends are downstairs. They need to see you.
Cartman: Not now Mom, I've only unloaded three feti. I've gotta sell the rest before they spoil.

Kyle: (Talking about Kenny) They say, he might die.
Cartman: Kenny die?

(On the phone) Hello. Is this the University of Colorado Biology Department? Great, uh I understand you're currently doing research on stem cells? Kewl, because I'm currently in possession of some aborted fetuses that I'm looking to unload? Uh, how much do you pay? No, no, come on, ah I got a guy who's gonna give me eighty dollars a pound right now. How about a hundred? Oh you're breaking my balls- I, I'll think about it.
(Next shot)
Bosnod Medical Group? Yeah, I called earlier about the stem cells and the fetuses? Okay, hi Randy, yeah. Oh yes, they've been kept in a cool temperature, yeah. These are primo fetuses, Randy, I wouldn't jerk you around. So what can your company give me for 'em? Oh Randy, you're breaking my balls here. You're breaking my balls, Randy.
(The next shot)
Oh please! Okay, you tell me where you can get aborted fetuses for seventy cents on the dollar? You tell me, Chuck? Yeah, I didn't think so-You know, I'm just like the fetuses, Chuck. I wasn't born yesterday, either. Uh huh. So are you gonna talk to me, or are we just gonna keep bull s******* each other? Breakin' my balls, Chuck.
(The next shot)
I gotta unload these fetuses, you wanna do some research. Are we talkin' here or what? You're breaking my balls. I'm telling you, if you let this deal pass you by, you're making a fetal mistake. That's a joke A hundred ten. Alright, alright, we got a deal. Good bye. (Cartman hangs up the phone) D***, I'm good.

Stan: Just because we rip on you for being rich doesn't mean we don't like you.
Kyle: Yeah we're guys dude; we find something about all our friends to rip on. We make fun of you for being rich like we rip on Butters for acting wimpy.
Butters: They sure do.
Stan: Yeah and like we rip on Kyle for being a Jew.
Kyle: And Stan for being in love with Wendy.
Stan: Yeah I get it for that.
Kyle: And Cartman for being fat.
Cartman: Uh huh.
Kyle: And Cartman for being stupid.
Cartman: Yeah.
Kyle: And Cartman for having a whore for a mom.
Cartman: Hey.
Kyle: And Cartman for being a sadistic asshole.
Cartman: Ay!! You did me already.
Token: You're right guys, for now on I'm find for being made fun of for being rich.
Stan: Oh we're not going to rip on you for being rich anymore.
Token: You're not?
Kyle: No dude, since you got your feelings so hurt for being ripped on, now we think you're a pussy.
Stan: Yeah now you're a pussy, pussaholic.
Kyle: Come on nurse Token we're going to play football ya puss.
Cartman: Pussy!
Butters: Yeah what a pussy.
Craig: Yeah that guy's a pussy.

Cartman: I'll make you eat your parents.
Ms. Choksondik: What did you say?
Cartman: Nothing

Ms. Choksondik: [to Kyle's cousin, Kyle] Now Kyle, I need you to be quiet. In my class you need to be able to concentrate. Concentration is the key to succeeding in my class.
Cartman: Maybe we'll have to send him to concentration camp. [remembers Kyle's deal] Aww. Damnit, damnit, damnit!

Displaying quotes 73 - 84 of 498 in total

South Park Quotes

James Cameron doesn't do what James Cameron does for James Cameron. James Cameron does what James Cameron does because James Cameron is James Cameron!

James Cameron

Mr. Garrison Sr.: Would you have sex with your son to save his life?
Man at bar 1: Oh, this is one of them scruples questions ain't it?
Man at bar 2: No, no I got a better one: Would you have sex with your motherto save your father's life?
Man at bar 1: You mean like if someone had a gun to your father's head and said if you don't have sex with her, I'll kill him?
Bartender: If a killer put a knife to my throat and said "have sex with your mother or I'm gonna kill your father while having sex with you, I would have sex with myself.

x Close Ad