Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Children are God's little way of punishing us for having sex.

She's one in a million. You're a dime a dozen.

Charlie: I think she punched my right nut into my ribcage.
Evelyn: Poor baby. Want me to take a look?
Charlie: No thanks.
Evelyn: I have seen them before. I'd imagine they're hanging a lot lower now.
Charlie: Right back at you mom.
Evelyn: Touche, darling.

Confession may be good for the soul, but for marriage, it's a hot, lead enema.

Evelyn: I just have one question, did you really vomit on the baby?
Charlie: Yeah.
Evelyn: Don't beat yourself too much, we've all done that
Charlie: You're kidding?
Evelyn: Of course most of us do it on our own babies.

You suggested Charlie's fiancee get small breasts? Why not reinstate prohibition while you're at it?

Evelyn: We're at the same theater. What a happy coincidence.
Charlie: Yeah, just like Booth and Lincoln.

Charlie: I'm not saying I hate you, but if I did, it might have something to do with the fact that you're a narcissistic bloodsucker who drove my father into an early grave, after which you married a succession of men who couldn't care less about Alan and me, which was just fine with you 'cause you... looked at us like a couple of dancing monkeys you could just haul out whenever it suited you! And when it didn't, you sent us off to boarding school or camp or that kibbutz in Israel, where we got beat up 'cause we weren't even Jewish! And now... now you show up here every chance you get to lay a guilt trip on me for not appreciating my cold, lonely, loveless childhood!
Evelyn: Well... obviously you're not ready to talk about it

Do you just stay awake at nights thinking of new ways to embarrass me?

Evelyn: I'm deeply hurt.
Alan: With me or Charlie?
Evelyn: Charlie.
Alan: Great, come on in

Evelyn: Good Lord, are you picking your nose?!?
Jake: I had to. There was stuff in it.
Evelyn: And just where were you planning to put it?
Jake: I didn't really have a plan

Evelyn: And I want an unadorned headstone that reads simply, "Evelyn Harper: Loving wife, devoted mother."
Charlie: That's good. Open with a joke

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 86 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.