Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Charlie: I just want you to know that in my way I want you to be happy, and I love you.
Evelyn: Well, I guess I'll go pack.
Charlie: Why?
Evelyn: Oh, I'm going home.
Charlie: In the middle of the night?
Evelyn: Charlie, you just said you loved me. You can only screw it up from here

Charlie: So what are you doing here?
Evelyn: Well, I'm showing a house at the beach and I thought while I'm in the neighborhood I would drop off a gift for my grandson.
Alan: You're writing him a check? What kind of gift is that?
Evelyn: You told me he likes Transformer toys. This check transforms into any toy he wants

Alan: Look, I appreciate your feelings for me, but I have to tell you, I really think your daughter deserves a lot of respect. I mean, it takes real courage to make changes in your life and not worry what everybody thinks.
Judith: Thank you, Alan.
Evelyn: That's true. The lesbians of my generation where to scared to come out of the closet.
Lenore: Does that mean what I think it means?
Alan: You haven't told them?
Judith: No. I thought it would be more appropriate coming from your mother.
Evelyn: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I faux pas?

Judith: Don't you think you've had enough to drink at the magic show, Evelyn?
Evelyn: Excuse me, darling, but some of us deal with our boredom and depression the old-fashioned, non-prescription way

Jake: My doctor has a cow puppet.
Evelyn: Really? MD or Ph.D?
Jake: C-O-W

Charlie: I'm not saying I hate you, but if I did, it might have something to do with the fact that you're a narcissistic bloodsucker who drove my father into an early grave, after which you married a succession of men who couldn't care less about Alan and me, which was just fine with you 'cause you... looked at us like a couple of dancing monkeys you could just haul out whenever it suited you! And when it didn't, you sent us off to boarding school or camp or that kibbutz in Israel, where we got beat up 'cause we weren't even Jewish! And now... now you show up here every chance you get to lay a guilt trip on me for not appreciating my cold, lonely, loveless childhood!
Evelyn: Well... obviously you're not ready to talk about it

Evelyn: Charlie, I need to borrow your Mercedes.
Charlie: Well, since you're in a hurry, I'll give you a quick answer: no.
Evelyn: Charlie, please, I'm showing a house in half an hour.
Charlie: What's wrong with that little electric car you bought?
Evelyn: Oh, nothing! Well, it's fine, it's hip, it's what anyone who cares about this planet is driving. But if you're trying to sell real estate to a Saudi oil prince, you can't be driving up in some little toy car with a plug in the bumper.
Alan: Um, you could use my car, Mom.
Evelyn [to Charlie]: You see? Now that is how a loving son treats his mother. [to Alan]: Thank you, sweetheart, but I need to look successful

Evelyn: Listen, if I had gotten married after every weekend of hot, sweaty debauchery with a virtual stranger, you'd have, well, many more stepfathers than you already have.
Charlie: She knows what she's talking about, Alan. Mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint

Evelyn: How many kids in your class got an A?
Jake: Almost everybody. Why?
Evelyn: I'm just curious as to how hard the test actually was.
Alan: Doesn't matter, Mom. It's still an A.
Evelyn: And an A is very nice. I just don't see why we should make such a big fuss over it if they're handing them out like rubella vaccinations!

Alan: You earned that A.
Jake: Wendy Chow got an A+.
Evelyn: There, you hear that? Wendy Chow got an A plus.
Alan: Wendy Chow is a freak of nature! She cloned a goldfish for the science fair! We can't compare Jake to her.
Evelyn: Well, who should we compare him to, then: the paste eaters and the unibrows?

Evelyn [to Charlie]: Laugh now, but when I die I'll come back to haunt you. [she leaves]
Charlie [to Alan]: How will that be any different from this

Evelyn: We are going to have a nice dinner, you are going to be charming, and Tommy's going to remain oblivious to the fact that you defiled his daughter.
Charlie: Hey, she wasn't exactly filed when I met her.

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 86 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.