Two and a Half Men

Evelyn Harper Quotes (Page 3)

Evelyn: I just have one question, did you really vomit on the baby?
Charlie: Yeah.
Evelyn: Don't beat yourself too much, we've all done that
Charlie: You're kidding?
Evelyn: Of course most of us do it on our own babies.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Evelyn [to Charlie about Chelsea]: She's one in a million. You're a dime a dozen.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Evelyn: Nobody wants to go to jail sweetie, but let's face it, if all we're talking about is sixty days alone in a room with no friends, how's that different from two months squatting in your brother's house?
 • Rating: Unrated

Evelyn: Now before we waste money on some expensive lawyer, how much jail time are talking about if you just roll over.
Alan: I don't want to go to jail.
Charlie: And if he does, he's certainly going to want to roll over.
Evelyn: Charles, that was crude and uncalled for.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan [about Marty]: Mom, are you and he...
Evelyn: Good Lord, no. The man is a thousand years old. It's a wonder his scrotum doesn't get tangled up in the wheels.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Evelyn: Confession may be good for the soul, but for marriage, it's a hot, lead enema.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Evelyn: The sooner you two get married, the sooner I'll have more grandchildren.
Charlie: Why, does Miss Evelyn need a cook and a butler, too?
 • Rating: Unrated

Evelyn: When I was married to your second step-father...
Charlie: The carpet king?
Evelyn: Well I called him that, but it wasn't his profession
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Evelyn [to Alan]: I want to see you happy, and not dressed like an unemployed lesbian
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Evelyn [to Alan]: You suggested Charlie's fiancee get small breasts? Why not reinstate prohibition while you're at it?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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