Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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She's one in a million. You're a dime a dozen.

Nobody wants to go to jail sweetie, but let's face it, if all we're talking about is sixty days alone in a room with no friends, how's that different from two months squatting in your brother's house?

Evelyn: Now before we waste money on some expensive lawyer, how much jail time are talking about if you just roll over.
Alan: I don't want to go to jail.
Charlie: And if he does, he's certainly going to want to roll over.
Evelyn: Charles, that was crude and uncalled for.

Evelyn: We're at the same theater. What a happy coincidence.
Charlie: Yeah, just like Booth and Lincoln.

[Evelyn finds Teddy lying dead on Charlie's bed]
Evelyn: You son of a bitch.
Alan: So you weren't the one who was...
Evelyn: Of course not. I already married the man! I just can't believe he'd cheat on me on our wedding day!
Courtney: Excuse me, my father is lying here dead!
Evelyn: With his pants around his ankles and lipstick on his hoo-hoo.

Evelyn: We don't eat from the cake until we cut the cake.
Jake: But I'm still hungry.
Evelyn: Have some cheese!
Jake: Have we cut the cheese?

Evelyn: And I just want you to know, I'm not after your father's money.
Courtney: I'm sure you're not.
Evelyn: Believe me, I got plenty of my own money.

Charlie: It's your fifth wedding, Mom. What do you need help with, besides remembering the groom's name?
Evelyn: You know, I'd cut him out of the will if I thought there was a chance he'd outlive me.

Charlie: Mommy, I don't feel good.
Evelyn: Oh, Charles, don't tell me you've got another case of the Bangkok drippy-drip.

Evelyn: (talking about Charlie) I just can't believe he's still in bed.
Alan: He's a drunk, Mom, that's what they do.

Teddy: Come on, Evelyn, give the kid a break. He was probably out last night sowing some wild oats.
Evelyn: He's 40 years old! He has no more wild oats. Just warmed over Cream of Wheat.

Berta: Here we go, Blue Eyes. I made it myself.
Teddy: Thank you.
Evelyn: Nothing for me, thanks.
Berta: I don't recall offering.

Displaying quotes 25 - 36 of 86 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it