Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two-and-a-half-men

Charlie: I think she punched my right nut into my ribcage.
Evelyn: Poor baby. Want me to take a look?
Charlie: No thanks.
Evelyn: I have seen them before. I'd imagine they're hanging a lot lower now.
Charlie: Right back at you mom.
Evelyn: Touche, darling.

Evelyn: Desperate?
Charlie: Like a gold fish in the leaky bag.

Charlie: I've been thinking a lot about how fleeting life is and that none of us really knows how long we're gonna be here.
Evelyn: Did you find another lump on your pee-pee?
Charlie: No, Mom, my pee-pee's fine.
Evelyn: I don't know how 'worn down to a knob' can be fine, but alright.

(Jake is outdoors trying to hold a "Condos For Sale" sign)
Alan: Thanks, Mom. This is a perfect first job for him.
Charlie: First job? I think you're looking at the birth of a career.
Evelyn: I was gonna have him put up fliers, but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.
Alan: How much are you paying him?
Evelyn: Obviously, too much. Look at him! (Jake is picking his nose) For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine.
Alan: Playboy?
Evelyn: Don't worry. I'll Magic Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.
Charlie: Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.

Evelyn: So, Jake, how do you like high school?
Jake: I'm in eighth grade.
Evelyn: Ah. When do you start high school?
Jake: Hard to say. Eighth grade's really kicking my ass.

Evelyn: I just have one question, did you really vomit on the baby?
Charlie: Yeah.
Evelyn: Don't beat yourself too much, we've all done that
Charlie: You're kidding?
Evelyn: Of course most of us do it on our own babies.

She's one in a million. You're a dime a dozen.

Nobody wants to go to jail sweetie, but let's face it, if all we're talking about is sixty days alone in a room with no friends, how's that different from two months squatting in your brother's house?

Evelyn: Now before we waste money on some expensive lawyer, how much jail time are talking about if you just roll over.
Alan: I don't want to go to jail.
Charlie: And if he does, he's certainly going to want to roll over.
Evelyn: Charles, that was crude and uncalled for.

Displaying quotes 19 - 27 of 86 in total