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Two-and-a-half-men

Evelyn [about the funeral]: I'm gonna need something black.
Charlie: Doesn't your soul qualify?

Evelyn [about her second husband]: I just can't believe he's gone.
Charlie: Isn't that why we're going to the funeral, to make sure?

Evelyn [to Charlie]: Laugh now, but when I die I'll come back to haunt you. [she leaves]
Charlie [to Alan]: How will that be any different from this

Alan: You earned that A.
Jake: Wendy Chow got an A+.
Evelyn: There, you hear that? Wendy Chow got an A plus.
Alan: Wendy Chow is a freak of nature! She cloned a goldfish for the science fair! We can't compare Jake to her.
Evelyn: Well, who should we compare him to, then: the paste eaters and the unibrows?

Evelyn: How many kids in your class got an A?
Jake: Almost everybody. Why?
Evelyn: I'm just curious as to how hard the test actually was.
Alan: Doesn't matter, Mom. It's still an A.
Evelyn: And an A is very nice. I just don't see why we should make such a big fuss over it if they're handing them out like rubella vaccinations!

Evelyn: Listen, if I had gotten married after every weekend of hot, sweaty debauchery with a virtual stranger, you'd have, well, many more stepfathers than you already have.
Charlie: She knows what she's talking about, Alan. Mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint

Evelyn: Charlie, I need to borrow your Mercedes.
Charlie: Well, since you're in a hurry, I'll give you a quick answer: no.
Evelyn: Charlie, please, I'm showing a house in half an hour.
Charlie: What's wrong with that little electric car you bought?
Evelyn: Oh, nothing! Well, it's fine, it's hip, it's what anyone who cares about this planet is driving. But if you're trying to sell real estate to a Saudi oil prince, you can't be driving up in some little toy car with a plug in the bumper.
Alan: Um, you could use my car, Mom.
Evelyn [to Charlie]: You see? Now that is how a loving son treats his mother. [to Alan]: Thank you, sweetheart, but I need to look successful

Charlie: I'm not saying I hate you, but if I did, it might have something to do with the fact that you're a narcissistic bloodsucker who drove my father into an early grave, after which you married a succession of men who couldn't care less about Alan and me, which was just fine with you 'cause you... looked at us like a couple of dancing monkeys you could just haul out whenever it suited you! And when it didn't, you sent us off to boarding school or camp or that kibbutz in Israel, where we got beat up 'cause we weren't even Jewish! And now... now you show up here every chance you get to lay a guilt trip on me for not appreciating my cold, lonely, loveless childhood!
Evelyn: Well... obviously you're not ready to talk about it

Jake: My doctor has a cow puppet.
Evelyn: Really? MD or Ph.D?
Jake: C-O-W

Displaying quotes 73 - 81 of 86 in total