It's like a book. Meet Dick and Jane. See Jane kill Dick. See Jane bury Dick. Run, Jane. Run, Jane.

Gaby

It's a Mexican hangover cure. It's the only thing I inherited from my family that's actually worth anything.

Gaby

When is the last time you brushed your... is this a lollipop?

Gaby

Gaby: Which one is the salad fork?
Juanita: What's salad?

I'd stay and say hi but that would involve a lot of listening and sad nodding.

Gaby

You slow down. Push the kid out and drive off. Why is it so hard?

Gaby

I can pick locks. Adultery gave me some valuable life skills.

Gaby

Bree: Is this actually happening? Gaby Solis is asking us for sex tips?
Gaby: I know. It's the apocalypse.

Since we caught Bin Laden, we can stroll on the plane anytime we want.

Gaby

Gaby: I'm worried about you. First, you stop talking to your friends. Now, you're wiggin' out at a rat funeral. You're making me nervous.
Susan: Well, I'm sorry I'm not handling accessory to murder as well as the rest of you.

Priest: Nuts, I was really hoping this would be a good one.
Gaby: I made out with two chicks once in college.
Priest: This job rocks.

Bree: Gaby, if you're really serious, I will set you up with a class at my gun range. They'll teach you about gun safety. You will get a permit. And then, we'll see about you getting a gun.

Gaby: Great! So, in the meantime, if skulking guy breaks into my house, I'm just going to yell, "Freeze! I'm taking a class!"

Desperate Housewives Quotes

Dr. Barr: Hey there. I was surprised to hear you wanted a session.
Bree: Well, there's nothing like being tied to a bed to change a girl's mind.
Dr. Barr: What do you wanna talk about?
Bree: Anything at all. As you said, I...I have a lot of issues.
Dr. Barr: Well, I assumed as much when you told the ridiculous story about your daughter running off with a murderer.
Bree: Saw right through that, did ya?
Dr. Barr: Well, I'm a trained professional, Bree. The human mind is my playground.
Bree: Well, I'm glad that you're having fun.

(to dead body) "Tu me manques, Monique" ("I Miss You Monique").

Orson