Jerry: It's like my brain is facing my penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win.
George: You're not letting him win. He wins till you're forty.
Jerry: Then what?
George: He still wins but it's not a blowout.

George: It's like going to the bathroom in front of a whole bunch of people and not caring.Jerry: It's not like that at all!

I'm going straight to hell, no two ways about it.

Very exciting, very exciting, it's like watching a birth!

George: You won't think I'm a bad person?
Jerry: Too late for that.

This is like a Penthouse letter. Why can't I meet women like this?

Great! They have one billion people and he found a relative.

All right...I've become attracted to Elaine.

George: Ask them, are there any side effects.Ping: (joking) Impotence.

George: She had this throaty, sexy kind of whisper.
Elaine: Really , like a... like a... (sexy whisper) Jerry, I want to ssslide my tongue around you like a sssnake... Oh... Oh!

Kramer: Spector gave it to me. He's giving everything away... becoming a minimalist.George: Is that the guy who likes fat women?Jerry: Doesn't the fat fetish conflict with the minimalism?

Jerry: How'd you do on the IQ test?George: (irate) 85!

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Seinfeld Quotes

Elaine: (referring to Dr. Reston) He's like a Svenjolly.
Jerry: Svengali.
Elaine: What did I say?
Jerry: Svenjolly.
Elaine: Svenjolly? I did not say Svenjolly.
Jerry: George?
George: Svenjolly. (licking some peanut butter off his finger)
Elaine: I don't see how I could've said Svenjolly.
Jerry: Well, maybe he's got, like, a cheerful mental hold on you.

George: I'm sorry. I can't live knowing that Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who's he?
Jerry: He's somebody!
George: What about me?
Jerry: You're nobody.
George: Why him? Why not me?
Jerry: He's good, you're not.
George: I'm better than him!
Jerry: You're worse! Much much worse.

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