Glenn Quagmire Quotes
Cleveland: Good thing you packed so many blowup dolls, Quag... Quag... Quagmire.
Quagmire: Be careful. Even the tiniest prick can pop these things... giggedy.
- Permalink: Good thing you packed so many blowup dolls, Quag... Quag... Quag...
Peter: Alright fellas, we've been out her for months and we all know that men have certain needs. And being that there's no women around, we're going to have to have an orgy. [cuts to them naked in a pile] Uh, anybody horny?
Peter: Me neither! And whoever's toe that is, I appreciate you enthusiasm but I think you should stop.
Joe: Boy, I'm sure glad nobody's here to see this.
[cruise ship arrives]
Cruise Annnouncer: And if you look off the left side of the ship, you'll see a bunch of homosexuals (starts to speak Spanish). A la izquierdo del barco podemos ver los 'fanny bandits
- Permalink: Alright fellas, we've been out her for months and we all know th...
Peter: Oh guys, I don't know what I'm gonna do. Lois is the only woman for me.
Joe: Well it sounds like you've gotta find a way to win her back.
Quagmire: Yeah, like, like we could get her drunk and take turns having sex with her.
Peter: How would that help me?
Quagmire: Oh, help you? Oh oh, yeah yeah, then no... no then, then that wouldn't help you.
- Permalink: Oh guys, I don't know what I'm gonna do. Lois is the only woman ...
Peter: Hey, hey I got an idea. Let's play "I Never." You got to drink if you did the thing the person says they never did.
Cleveland: Oh I got one. I never slept with a woman with the lights on [Quagmire, Peter and Joe drink]
Joe: I'll go next. Uh, I never had sex with Cleveland's wife [Quagmire and Cleveland drink to this]
Peter: Alright let's see. Uh, I never did a chick in a Logan Airport bathroom [Quagmire drinks... cuts to a bunch of empty beers] God! Let's see, what else is there? Um, I never gave a reach-around to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.
Quagmire: Oh god! [drinks]
Joe: I uh, I never picked up an illegal alien from Home Depot to take home and choke me while I touch myself.
Quagmire: Oh come on! [drinks
Peter: Uh, I never did the same thing, but with someone from Jo-Ann Fabrics.
Quagmire: Oh god! This is ridiculous! [drinks and passes out]
- Permalink: Hey, hey I got an idea. Let's play I Never. You got to drink if ...
Peter: Hey, everybody, Meg just had her first period!
Joe: Peter, shut up! It's 3 in the morning!
Cleveland: What the hell's going on out here?
Quagmire: Dammit! People are trying to sleep!
Peter: I'm just saying she's a woman! Yay!
Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot and I'll deal with it in the morning, but right now I'm exhausted!
- Permalink: Hey, everybody, Meg just had her first period! Peter, shut up!...
Lois: ...like there was a secret hole in me.
Quagmire: Oh God!
Lois: And I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things.
Quagmire: Oh Gaaawwwd!
Lois: And I felt wonderful with all those things fillin' that hole.
Quagmire: Oh GAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWD!
Lois: I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to just lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Quagmire: That one is also sexual.
- Permalink: ...like there was a secret hole in me. Oh God! And I was try...
Peter: I know you're interested in being the fourth guy in our entourage, Kevin Connolly, but aren't you a little small?
Quagmire: I'll tell you what you can be in our group if I can have some of your cereal.
Kevin Connolly: Oh no, they're after me Kevin Connoly charms.
- Permalink: I know you're interested in being the fourth guy in our entourag...
Quagmire: How long you been in beauty school?
Candy: Two months.
Quagmire: Well tonight, we're doing facials!
- Permalink: How long you been in beauty school? Two months. Well tonight...
Quagmire [reading note]: Glen, this is your child, next time wear a condom jerk. Oh my god!
Peter: Wait, hang on, there's no guarantee it's your baby.
Quagmire: Ooh, I say that.
- Permalink: Glen, this is your child, next time wear a condom jerk. Oh my g...
Quagmire: Hey Peter, uhh you have a card for if you transfered V.D. to somebody.
Peter: Uhh lets see here...uhh yep, "Sorry I accidentally gave you V.D."
Quagmire: Huh, that's all you have is accidental huh? All right I'll take it.
- Permalink: Hey Peter, uhh you have a card for if you transfered V.D. to som...
Brooke: Glen, will you accept this rose?
Quagmire: Really? After I drugged you and tried to have sex with your unconscious body?
- Permalink: Glen, will you accept this rose? Really? After I drugged you a...
Cleveland: Cool, Glenn! You look like Tommy Lee!
Quagmire: Well that oughta be appropriate, since I just found out I have hepatitis
- Permalink: Cool, Glenn! You look like Tommy Lee! Well that oughta be appr...