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Family-guy

Peter: Oh guys, I don't know what I'm gonna do. Lois is the only woman for me.
Joe: Well it sounds like you've gotta find a way to win her back.
Quagmire: Yeah, like, like we could get her drunk and take turns having sex with her.
Peter: How would that help me?
Quagmire: Oh, help you? Oh oh, yeah yeah, then no... no then, then that wouldn't help you.

Peter: Hey, hey I got an idea. Let's play "I Never." You got to drink if you did the thing the person says they never did.
Cleveland: Oh I got one. I never slept with a woman with the lights on [Quagmire, Peter and Joe drink]
Joe: I'll go next. Uh, I never had sex with Cleveland's wife [Quagmire and Cleveland drink to this]
Peter: Alright let's see. Uh, I never did a chick in a Logan Airport bathroom [Quagmire drinks... cuts to a bunch of empty beers] God! Let's see, what else is there? Um, I never gave a reach-around to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.
Quagmire: Oh god! [drinks]
Joe: I uh, I never picked up an illegal alien from Home Depot to take home and choke me while I touch myself.
Quagmire: Oh come on! [drinks
Peter: Uh, I never did the same thing, but with someone from Jo-Ann Fabrics.
Quagmire: Oh god! This is ridiculous! [drinks and passes out]

Peter: Hey, everybody, Meg just had her first period!
Joe: Peter, shut up! It's 3 in the morning!
Cleveland: What the hell's going on out here?
Quagmire: Dammit! People are trying to sleep!
Peter: I'm just saying she's a woman! Yay!
Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot and I'll deal with it in the morning, but right now I'm exhausted!

Lois: ...like there was a secret hole in me.
Quagmire: Oh God!
Lois: And I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things.
Quagmire: Oh Gaaawwwd!
Lois: And I felt wonderful with all those things fillin' that hole.
Quagmire: Oh GAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWD!
Lois: I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to just lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Quagmire: That one is also sexual.

Peter: I know you're interested in being the fourth guy in our entourage, Kevin Connolly, but aren't you a little small?
Quagmire: I'll tell you what you can be in our group if I can have some of your cereal.
Kevin Connolly: Oh no, they're after me Kevin Connoly charms.

Quagmire: How long you been in beauty school?
Candy: Two months.
Quagmire: Well tonight, we're doing facials!

Quagmire [reading note]: Glen, this is your child, next time wear a condom jerk. Oh my god!
Peter: Wait, hang on, there's no guarantee it's your baby.
Baby: Gigitty.
Quagmire: Ooh, I say that.

Quagmire: Hey Peter, uhh you have a card for if you transfered V.D. to somebody.
Peter: Uhh lets see here...uhh yep, "Sorry I accidentally gave you V.D."
Quagmire: Huh, that's all you have is accidental huh? All right I'll take it.

Brooke: Glen, will you accept this rose?
Quagmire: Really? After I drugged you and tried to have sex with your unconscious body?
Brooke: What?
Quagmire: Yes

Cleveland: Cool, Glenn! You look like Tommy Lee!
Quagmire: Well that oughta be appropriate, since I just found out I have hepatitis

Little Peter: Wow, that Lois is some kinda woman.
Little Quagmire: Yeah, just thinkin' about her makes my testicles wanna drop. Ooh, speak of the devil. Ooh, make that devils

God this itches! I wonder who I got it from. Probably that skank that I gave a ride to the gas station. Last time I do someone a favor. Oh God! They heard me! Oh god! I heard me! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!

Quagmire [thinks to self]
Displaying quotes 109 - 120 of 136 in total

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley
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