Peter: Sweet, Quagmire! You got a winnebago!
Quagmire: You mean a "Wanna-bang-o"!
Lois: (Sarcastically) Oh, how clever.

As you can see, my family is here and it's game night. We're playing ... sex.

Guys, this is the best dirty book store in town; Family owned, great hours, and lots of parking in the rear!

That's the exit. Of course in this place, every exit's also an entrance.

Peter: Well, my vasectomy is tomorrow.
Cleveland: You poor bastard. Sex is pointless without the potency.
Quagmire: Yeah. You take the venom out of the cobra, and what have you got? You got a... a belt!

Quagmire: Cleveland, how did you end your marriage?
Cleveland: You slept with my wife.

Joan: If you ever left me, I'd cut myself, then I'd cut you. I love you, Glen!
Quagmire: I love you too, insane woman whom I'm having second thoughts about.
Joan: What?!
Quagmire: All right!

Quagmire: Reverend Peter, I gotta talk to you... last night I had sex with a teenage blonde, and her mother.
Peter: Well that's quite a story, Quagmire, but my church doesn't have confession. So why are you telling me?
Quagmire: Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody! Giggity-goo-ga.

Peter: That jerk Opie got employee of the month again, all because my boss hates me.
Joe: Maybe you need to brown nose her a little bit Peter.
Quagmire: Really? I thought you said she was ugly...Oh-oh-oh you-you-you mean kiss up to her.

Peter: A-Team roll call; Face?
Quagmire: Here and handsome!
Peter: Murdoch?
Joe: Here, and... crazy!
Peter: B.A.?
Cleveland: I pity the fool! But also suggest ways he may better himself.

Hello, and welcome to another edition of Midnight Q. Tonight we're gonna enjoy some jazz from Charles Mingus. Norman Maylor's here to read an excerpt from his latest work. And we also have a girl from Omaha hiding a banana. We're gonna find out where. Giggity giggity. Giggity goo. Stick around.

Cleveland: Good thing you packed so many blowup dolls, Quag... Quag... Quagmire.
Quagmire: Be careful. Even the tiniest prick can pop these things... giggedy.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

The secret to happiness is burying all your true feelings and living a life of bland compromise.