Dear Diary, Jackpot!

Quagmire [after finding a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]

Auctioneer: We'll open this auction with this pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagemire: Fifty bucks!
Auctioneer: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioneer: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks!

Quagmire: Hey baby, how about showing me your Lower East Side?
Transvestite: Sure.
Quagmire: Whoa, transvestite! Wait a moment, pre-op or post-op?
Transvestite: Pre-op.
Quagmire: Whoa, transvestite! Back off!

Quagmire: Hey there sweetie, how old are you?
Connie: 16.
Quagmire: 18? You first.
Connie: Mom!
Quagmire: I like where this is goin'. Giggety, giggety, gig-get-ty

I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through

Quagmire: Here's to the Drunken Clam, boys! Where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I!
Cleveland: Quagmire. You forgot to say "oh".
Quagmire: You sure? I think I did... Well, just to be safe. Oh!

Joe: Say hello to our newest narc.
Quagmire: Oh, yeah? (to Brian) How good are you?
Brian: (Sniffs) You're back from Manila. You had lumpia for dinner. Then you made love to two Filipino women. (Sniffs) And a man.
Quagmire: You mean three Filipino women. (Brian stares blankly) NOOOOO!

Joe: Hey, Quagmire! You wanna come camping with us?
Quagmire: Sorry, boys. The only tent I'm gonna be pitchin' this weekend is... well, you can see where I'm goin' with this. Oh

Quagmire: I'd do everything to you.
Lois: What?
Quagmire: I'd do anything for you

Quagmire: Tuesdays in the '80s I was always in bed by 8:00 ... and home by 11:00, OH!

  • Permalink:
  • Added:

Thanks honey, say hi to your husband. [device on his belt beeps] Oh, I've got AIDS again, better take my NyQuil Cold, Flu and AIDS. [takes pill] All gone!

Peter: I told Lois I wouldn't drink.
Quagmire: Don't feel so bad Peter.
Peter: Hey, I never thought of it that way

Family Guy Quotes

Ugggh! This tastes like Ani DiFranco after a bike ride!

Quagmire (referencing an awful Korean Taco)

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)