Quagmire: What the hell? Jerome's on your team?
Mort Goldman: That's right! We got to know each other while I was following him around my store!

Joe: Here you go guys, first time in a while I've had wood in my lap.
Quagmire: Are we supposed to laugh at that? Because it's upsetting.

Hang on, you guys! I don't know if I can pull out of this, giggity!

Peter: A private plane? How'd you swing that, Quagmire?
Quagmire: Let's just say I walked in John Travolta with not-Kelly-Preston.

Quagmire: Do like me, say "oui oui!" and tell them you're a friend of Bill Maher's!
Bill Maher: That's how you'll get to watch them pee in Canadian nudie bars!

I'd even go so far as to say that a Canadian strip club is the most magical place in the world.

Joe: You speak French?
Quagmire: Sure, they love me in France!

Quagmire: Whoa, is that Harrison Ford?
Peter: Yeah, it says in the brochures that he assists with all the jumps.
Harrison Ford: Get off my plane!

Peter: I have two ideas. One that I think is awesome and one that I think is stupid. We could either A: rob a Mafia poker game, or B: skydive
Joe: Skydive? I'd be totally up for that!
Quagmire: Yeah, I've always wanted to try skydiving!
Peter: Really? Eh, could be fun I guess.

What's wrong with you, Holder-Downer 5000? That's just for women!

Joe: Are we sure this is the way to the dining hall?
Quagmire: Oh, I'm sorry, are your feet getting tired? God, I'd love to be able to wheel around in a toy all day.

I love eating food that's sad.

Family Guy Quotes

Brian: What's on his arms?
Stewie: Those are waterwings. He was terrified of the water.

Brian: Having sex with Quagmire is inevitable, like a fat guy ordering dessert when everyone else wants to leave.
Waiter: Would anyone like dessert?
Man: I couldn't eat another thing.
Woman: I gotta get home for the sitter.
Fat Man: I'll have the souffle.
Waiter: That takes 45 minutes.
Fat Man: That's okay.