It's kinda weird that 80's white clothes could pass for 90's white clothes...

Quagmire: What can I say? I really like watching her box.
Peter: That means two things.

Peter: Man would you look at that? Two smoking hot repeatedly striking each other.
Quagmire: Yeah, it reminds me of Thanksgiving.
Peter: Why does it remind you of Thanksgiving?
Quagmire: 'Cause this is where I come for Thanksgiving.

Oh yeah, I'm very in touch with my Asian roots. You notice I take my shoes off whenever I enter my house? I do five hours of math homework every night even though I'm not longer in school. Sometimes, I drink out of a wood box. I was a very cute baby and now I'm a joyless adult.

Come on guys, can't we all just be glad she's dead?

C-3PO/Quagmire: Sir, the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are 2-1!
Han/Peter: Never tell me the o-oh... well that's not bad. Never mind, let's keep going.

Han/Peter: Hey, let me introduce everybody. You remember Chewbacca and this is my special friend Leia and that's uh... that's Sarge over there.
C-3PO/Quagmire: You don't know my name do you? You never bothered to learn it.
Han/Peter: What are you talkin' about? We've been through all kinds of space adventures together. Of course I know you slugger.
C-3PO/Quagmire: Sha, sure. Nice to meet you. I'm C-3PO...
Han/Peter: C3PO. Yeah I was just gonna introduce you, C-3PO. Why didn't you let me C-3PO?
Lando/Neil: Uh... Maybe we should go inside.
Han/Peter: Yeah let's get inside C-3PO. You ever been to cloud city C-3PO?

Peter: Hispanic female doctor or gay masseuse?
Quagmire: Hispanic from Spain?
Peter: no.
Quagmire: So it's basically, "would your rather get a massage from a gay man or die?"

Joe, don't you dare. I'll push you right into traffic.

Hi Angela. I'm Peter's friend, Glen Quagmire. Thanks for having me in your home and I would have had sex with you but Peter neglected to tell me you were a dumpster fire. Some friend, huh?

Joe: (about Peter's parrot) Hey Peter you kinda look like a pirate with that thing on your shoulder.
Peter: A pirate? Oh cool!
Cleveland: You should get a pirate name.
Joe: And a peg leg.
Cleveland: And a hook hand.
Quagmire: And you should have sex with that crossing guard even though she looked young, and then I found out she was 12.
(everyone stares at him)
Quagmire: I mean you should get an eye patch.
Joe: Eye patch would be cool.

Chris: Hey fellas. Um, I have a question. I went on a date with this girl that I really like, and if you don't mind, I was hoping I could ask you a few questions about the birds and the bees?
Peter: Ahhh, my boy wants to know about sex.
Quagmire: Came to the right place.
Joe: Chris, what you always want to remember is that sex is perfectly natural.
Chris: Well uh, sorry Mr. Swanson. Um, I wasn't really talking to you.
Joe: Chris, I know a lot about sex.
Chris: Yeah, and I'm sure you have fond memories, but I was kinda hoping to get some advice from someone who isn't broken from the waist down.
Joe: I'm a father!
Chris: You're a two-wheeled monster!

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Ugggh! This tastes like Ani DiFranco after a bike ride!

Quagmire (referencing an awful Korean Taco)