Come on guys, can't we all just be glad she's dead?

C-3PO/Quagmire: Sir, the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are 2-1!
Han/Peter: Never tell me the o-oh... well that's not bad. Never mind, let's keep going.

Han/Peter: Hey, let me introduce everybody. You remember Chewbacca and this is my special friend Leia and that's uh... that's Sarge over there.
C-3PO/Quagmire: You don't know my name do you? You never bothered to learn it.
Han/Peter: What are you talkin' about? We've been through all kinds of space adventures together. Of course I know you slugger.
C-3PO/Quagmire: Sha, sure. Nice to meet you. I'm C-3PO...
Han/Peter: C3PO. Yeah I was just gonna introduce you, C-3PO. Why didn't you let me C-3PO?
Lando/Neil: Uh... Maybe we should go inside.
Han/Peter: Yeah let's get inside C-3PO. You ever been to cloud city C-3PO?

Peter: Hispanic female doctor or gay masseuse?
Quagmire: Hispanic from Spain?
Peter: no.
Quagmire: So it's basically, "would your rather get a massage from a gay man or die?"

Joe, don't you dare. I'll push you right into traffic.

Hi Angela. I'm Peter's friend, Glen Quagmire. Thanks for having me in your home and I would have had sex with you but Peter neglected to tell me you were a dumpster fire. Some friend, huh?

Joe: (about Peter's parrot) Hey Peter you kinda look like a pirate with that thing on your shoulder.
Peter: A pirate? Oh cool!
Cleveland: You should get a pirate name.
Joe: And a peg leg.
Cleveland: And a hook hand.
Quagmire: And you should have sex with that crossing guard even though she looked young, and then I found out she was 12.
(everyone stares at him)
Quagmire: I mean you should get an eye patch.
Joe: Eye patch would be cool.

Chris: Hey fellas. Um, I have a question. I went on a date with this girl that I really like, and if you don't mind, I was hoping I could ask you a few questions about the birds and the bees?
Peter: Ahhh, my boy wants to know about sex.
Quagmire: Came to the right place.
Joe: Chris, what you always want to remember is that sex is perfectly natural.
Chris: Well uh, sorry Mr. Swanson. Um, I wasn't really talking to you.
Joe: Chris, I know a lot about sex.
Chris: Yeah, and I'm sure you have fond memories, but I was kinda hoping to get some advice from someone who isn't broken from the waist down.
Joe: I'm a father!
Chris: You're a two-wheeled monster!

Peter: Alright guys, it's going to be a long night of border patrol, so I brought in Michael McDonald to help us.
Cleveland: How's he gonna help us?
Peter: He's going to do backup vocals for everything we say.
Cleveland: How's he gonna know what we're saying?
Michael McDonald (singing): How's he gonna know what we're saying?
Quagmire: Is he gonna do it for all of us?
Michael McDonald (singing): Is he gonna do it for all of us?
Peter: Yeah I hired him for the night, cost about $250 an hour, so don't skimp on the conversation.
Michael McDonald (singing): Yeah I hired him for the night, cost about $250 an hour, so don't skimp on the conversaaaationnn!
Cleveland: That sounds nice.

Quagmire: That fat bastard murdered Lois! That son of a bitch; he's a killer like Bernie Getz! You know, the killer from the eighties. I used to do a bit on him back when I did stand-up.
(Flashback to a younger Quagmire on a stage)
Quagmire: Ah, what else is in the news? Oh, oh Bernie Getz. D-Did you hear this? This guy Bernie Getz shot a bunch of muggers on the subway. Wouldn't mind having him when I go see my mother in law. (Microphone whines) No, but really, New York City's a great place to live...if you're a COCKROACH!
Man in Audience: You suck!!
Quagmire: (Sadly) I know.

(Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire are in the Drunken Clam)
Peter: Hey, check it out you guys. I got a new cell phone that takes pictures. Look, look, I took a picture of Lois' poo.
(they all laugh)
Quagmire: Oh, that's hilarious. You should email that to me.

Quagmire: Alright Peter, this is a tough one. Alright, you ready for this? Okay, would you have sex with Cleveland, if it meant you could have sex with Angelina Jolie?
Peter: Uhhh, yeah, yeah I'd probably do it.
Quagmire: Hang on, hang on. Missionary, and you have to look him in the eye. No closing your eyes and pretending it's somebody else.
Peter: (Pauses) I think still, yes.
Cleveland: Thank you Peter.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Peter, are you just trying to take a knee until the end of the show? Peter that's not gonna work, you can't just --

Lois