Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy
TV Fanatic Works Better with Prime Instant Video
40,000 other titles are available to watch now.

Chris (Luke): R2, what are you doing out here?
Cleveland (R2-D2): Beep boop beep.
Quagmire (C-3PO): He says there are several creatures approaching from the southeast.
Cleveland (R2-D2): That's not what I said. I said there ain't a pack of menthols on this planet.

Herbert (Obi-Wan): Mos Eisley spaceport, you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Cleveland (R2-D2): My sister Regina-D2 lives here.
Quagmire (C-3PO): Is she single?
Cleveland (R2-D2): She's a lez-bot.

Chris (Luke): Well, I guess I'll go bulls-eye some womp rats in my T-16.
Quagmire (C-3PO): My god, you shoot small animals for fun? That's the first indicator of a serial killer, ya freak.
Chris (Luke): There's two suns and no women, what the hell am I supposed to do?

Quagmire (C-3PO): Hey, mind if I turn on the radio?
Announcer: WTAT Tatooine's all-talk radio.
Rush Limbaugh: My good friends, the liberal galactic media is at it again, they never stop. Now they're trying to convince us that Hoth is melting. Well that's crazy, just trying to scare us. Well if that wasn't enough to get you mad, we now have news that Lando Calrissian has been made the chief administrator of the Bespin mining facility. Gee, I wonder how he got that job. Well let me tell you how he got that job, affirmative action strikes again. The time is 8:50.

Stormtrooper: The Death Star is getting closer!
Quagmire (C-3PO): And Leia's getting l-a-a-arger! (jiggles Leia's stomach)

Hey Lois, I'm ready for your pie. And you made dessert too, oh!

Lois: Peter used to be so passionate, but now he doesn't seem to be interested in me.
Quagmire: Lois, if I may, Peter doesn't you. As a friend, I think you deserve to be with someone who knows how to be a gentleman.
Lois: Oh, Glen. You're so sweet. (They embrace) Something's poking me.
Quagmire: It's alright. It's just my wang.

(Lois walks out of Quagmire's house to pick up a letter from the mailbox)
Peter: Lois, what the hell? I'm gone for one night and you sleep with Quagmire?!
Lois: Mr. Griffin, what I do with my husband is none of your business.
Peter: Husband?
Quagmire: Morning, Pete. Hope you and Molly can still join us for dinner tonight. Baby, Let's go play "Schoolgirl & Guy Who Has Sex With Schoolgirl".
(Lois giggles)

Lois: Meg, stop staring at Mr. Griffin. I'm sorry Peter, I'm afraid she has her father's libido.
Quagmire: What can I say? I'm a Vagittarius. Oh!
Chris, Meg, and Stewie: (all laugh) Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity.

Molly Ringwald: Hey, did you guys hear on the news about President Gore hunting down and killing Osama Bin Laden with his bare hands?
Lois: I know! Who would have thought Bin Laden was hiding out in the cast of MADtv?
Quagmire: Man, the perfect hiding spot. The one place no one would look.

Cleveland: Hey Quagmire, how was your date last night?
Quagmire: Cleveland, it was amazing. You know what I discovered last night? Women have a fourth hole.
Joe: What?
Quagmire: Yeah, I mean it's only visible if you're looking from exactly the right angle, like the entrance to Hogwarts. But ya gotta believe that it's there.
Peter: Man, I envy you single guys. No families, partying whenever you want. These are the only people I get to party with. (holds out his wallet, with a picture of the kids)
Quagmire: (Pointing to Meg) Oh, that's where the fourth hole is, right there. Right there in the back of the knee.

Cleveland: Boy, this election's gonna be a tight one.
Quagmire: Probably gonna be decided by just a couple of votes.
Peter: And here we are sitting here like a bunch of lazy paraplegic cops.
Joe: Huh?
Peter: Oh, I'm sorry, Joe. It's just an expression.
Joe: Ah.

Displaying quotes 61 - 72 of 138 in total

Family Guy Quotes

North Dakota, we're not even the best Dakota!

Peter

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley