Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family-guy

Peter: Hispanic female doctor or gay masseuse?
Quagmire: Hispanic from Spain?
Peter: no.
Quagmire: So it's basically, "would your rather get a massage from a gay man or die?"

Joe, don't you dare. I'll push you right into traffic.

Hi Angela. I'm Peter's friend, Glen Quagmire. Thanks for having me in your home and I would have had sex with you but Peter neglected to tell me you were a dumpster fire. Some friend, huh?

Chris: Hey fellas. Um, I have a question. I went on a date with this girl that I really like, and if you don't mind, I was hoping I could ask you a few questions about the birds and the bees?
Peter: Ahhh, my boy wants to know about sex.
Quagmire: Came to the right place.
Joe: Chris, what you always want to remember is that sex is perfectly natural.
Chris: Well uh, sorry Mr. Swanson. Um, I wasn't really talking to you.
Joe: Chris, I know a lot about sex.
Chris: Yeah, and I'm sure you have fond memories, but I was kinda hoping to get some advice from someone who isn't broken from the waist down.
Joe: I'm a father!
Chris: You're a two-wheeled monster!

Joe: (about Peter's parrot) Hey Peter you kinda look like a pirate with that thing on your shoulder.
Peter: A pirate? Oh cool!
Cleveland: You should get a pirate name.
Joe: And a peg leg.
Cleveland: And a hook hand.
Quagmire: And you should have sex with that crossing guard even though she looked young, and then I found out she was 12.
(everyone stares at him)
Quagmire: I mean you should get an eye patch.
Joe: Eye patch would be cool.

Peter: Alright guys, it's going to be a long night of border patrol, so I brought in Michael McDonald to help us.
Cleveland: How's he gonna help us?
Peter: He's going to do backup vocals for everything we say.
Cleveland: How's he gonna know what we're saying?
Michael McDonald (singing): How's he gonna know what we're saying?
Quagmire: Is he gonna do it for all of us?
Michael McDonald (singing): Is he gonna do it for all of us?
Peter: Yeah I hired him for the night, cost about $250 an hour, so don't skimp on the conversation.
Michael McDonald (singing): Yeah I hired him for the night, cost about $250 an hour, so don't skimp on the conversaaaationnn!
Cleveland: That sounds nice.

Quagmire: That fat bastard murdered Lois! That son of a bitch; he's a killer like Bernie Getz! You know, the killer from the eighties. I used to do a bit on him back when I did stand-up.
(Flashback to a younger Quagmire on a stage)
Quagmire: Ah, what else is in the news? Oh, oh Bernie Getz. D-Did you hear this? This guy Bernie Getz shot a bunch of muggers on the subway. Wouldn't mind having him when I go see my mother in law. (Microphone whines) No, but really, New York City's a great place to live...if you're a COCKROACH!
Man in Audience: You suck!!
Quagmire: (Sadly) I know.

Joe: All right, we're gonna do it once more!
(everyone else groans in agony)
Joe: And this time, NO MISTAKES! ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR!
(Cleveland begins playing the piano, while the others dance)
Peter, Joe and Quagmire: (singing) Good mornin', good mornin'!
Cleveland: It's great to stay up late!
Peter, Joe and Quagmire: Good mornin', good mornin', to you!
Peter: When the band began to play,
The stars were shinin' bright!
Quagmire: But now the milkman's on his way.
It's too late to say good night!
Joe: (screaming at Quagmire) SO SAY GOOD MORNIN'!!!!!!
Quagmire: AHH! (starts sobbing) Good mornin'!
(everyone continues dancing)
Sunbeams will soon smile through.
Peter, Joe and Quagmire: Good mornin', good mornin', to you!
(the song ends, but Stewie pops out from behind the couch and continues by himself)
Stewie: Nothin' could be grander than to be in Louisiana!
In the mornin', in the mor- Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were still going.

(Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire are in the Drunken Clam)
Peter: Hey, check it out you guys. I got a new cell phone that takes pictures. Look, look, I took a picture of Lois' poo.
(they all laugh)
Quagmire: Oh, that's hilarious. You should email that to me.

Displaying quotes 46 - 54 of 136 in total