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Quagmire: Alright ladies, are you ready for action?
Woman #1: We sure are Glenn.
Woman #2:Did you get the Hwhip?
Quagmire:Got it right here--wait what?
- Permalink: Alright ladies, are you ready for action? We sure are Glenn. ...
Oh, good morning honey. That feels really good. What... ? Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell? You're not the same giraffe from last night. Get out of here.</i> Quagmire
- Permalink: Oh, good morning honey. That feels really good. What... ? Hey! H...
Quagmire: What are you doing?
Joe: I'm watching Bonnie undress.
Cleveland: Bonnie's your wife.
Joe: I like to watch her strip, and pretend she's a total stranger who looks exactly like my wife and lives in my house. Get naked, you strange whore!!
- Permalink: What are you doing? I'm watching Bonnie undress. Bonnie's yo...
Woman: I am not doing that Glenn.
Quagmire: Come on beautiful, keep an open mind.
Woman: You're a sick man!
Quagmire: Hey keep it down, I don't want my neighbors seeing a fat, old, dirty whore screaming at me on my front lawn.
Woman: Whore? Well maybe I should come inside.
Quagmire: Well maybe you should.
- Permalink: I am not doing that Glenn. Come on beautiful, keep an open min...
Peter: Oh, hey Quagmire, how was Florida?
Quagmire: Oh, it was great! And guess what? I smuggled a whole bunch of fireworks back in my anus.
Peter: Uh, Quagmire, fireworks aren't illegal here. You could've just put 'em in your car and driven 'em up here.
Quagmire: (smugly) Huh, yeah, that's just as fun.
- Permalink: Oh, hey Quagmire, how was Florida? Oh, it was great! And guess...
Quagmire:(Quagmire is standing behind a woman that has a nice back) Hey, baby, how'd you like to share a pair of skates?
(Woman turns around and we see a woman who is overweight from the front)
Quagmire: Never mind. Boy, you look a lot better from the back.
Woman: You jerk!
(Woman turns around giving Quagmire her back)
Quagmire: Oh, hey, baby, you want to go somewhere? No, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait, Quagmire, remember what's on the other side.
- Permalink: Hey, baby, how'd you like to share a pair of skates? Sure! ...
Tom Tucker: Can I get you some punch?
Thelma: Oh no, see, if you're one of ten million americans like me...
(cuts to a man in a chair)
Man: Like me.
(cuts to a woman on a tennis court)
Woman: Like me.
(cuts back to the community center)
Thelma: ...with a bladder control problem, punch just goes right through you.
(Quagmire comes in)
- Permalink: Can I get you some punch? Oh no, see, if you're one of ten mil...
(Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire are in the Drunken Clam)
Joe: Peter, you're urinating unusually frequently.
Quagmire: Yeah, what gives?
Shamus: If its gale force peein ya be doin, it could mean ya got barnacles on yer prostate. Best have sick bay check below yer decks.
Peter: Wait a minute, are you telling me I need a prostate exam?
Shamus: Aye, and soon, before your rudder jams with flotsam, and your droppin' anchor without an order from the captain. (pauses) How are you liking all of these nautical puns?
Quagmire: Not bad.
Cleveland: Somewhat entertaining.
- Permalink: Peter, you're urinating unusually frequently. Yeah, what gives...
Peter: Guys, I went to see Dr. Hartman yesterday and he did things to my fanny (Cries)
Cleavland: Peter it's okay.
Peter: No it's not okay, you don't know what it's like.
Cleavland: You're wrong. I too have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts.
Peter: He did it to you too?
Quagmire: I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me as well. I only went in there for a physical slice guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig. With sexual experimentation.
Joe: You guys are a bunch of queers. (Joe rolls away, but then comes back) And so am I. Oh god, it was horrible. I scrubbed and I scrubbed, but damn it, they don't make water hot enough.
- Permalink: Guys, I went to see Dr. Hartman yesterday and he did things to m...
Old Lois: Hi, Glen. How's the arthritis?
Old Quagmire: Fine. 'Course, I've gotten a little stiff since you walked in, Giggety gigg... oop, I just pooped a little.
Old Cleveland: Oh... that's... nasty...
- Permalink: Hi, Glen. How's the arthritis? Fine. 'Course, I've gotten a li...
Quagmire: Hey Brian, what do you think of my sign?
Brian: "Quagmire's Cross Country Tour." Uh, isn't there an "O" in country?
- Permalink: Hey Brian, what do you think of my sign? Quagmire's Cross Coun...
Peter: Sweet, Quagmire! You got a winnebago!
Quagmire: You mean a "Wanna-bang-o"!
Lois: (Sarcastically) Oh, how clever.
- Permalink: Sweet, Quagmire! You got a winnebago! You mean a Wanna-bang-o!...