(Over the plane's intercom) Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, this is your captain Glenn Quagmire, uhhhhhhh we're lookin' bout a four and a half hour flight time today, uhhhhhhh got clear skies, good visibility. The temperature in Atlanta is sixty-four degrees, uhhhhhhhhhh the flight is gonna be a little longer than we've expected, uh we've got some very strong head winds, gigity. Uh, flight attendants, please prepare for takeoff.

Peter: Boy Quagmire, I'm really sorry they fired ya. I feel like this is partially my fault.
Quagmire: (Sarcastically) No Peter, it's perfectly normal to siphon jet fuel from an active runway with the intention of flying a pickup truck.

(The phone rings, Lois answers)
Lois: Hello? Oh, you must have a wrong number, there's no one here by the name of Longrod VonHugendong.
Quagmire: (Incoherent. Motions to Lois that the call is for him)

(Chris and Quagmire are on the couch with a calculator, Chris is typing in numbers)
Quagmire: Okay, now add twenty.
Chris: Okay.
Quagmire: Now multiply it by four.
Chris: Okay.
Quagmire: Now what do ya got?
Chris: Eight thousand and eight.
Quagmire: And what does eight thousand eight look like on a calculator?
Chris: Oh, Boob!
Quagmire: Boob! Yeah! Alright, alright, alright, Boob!
Chris: What if we had two calculators and we put em next to each other?
Quagmire: Huh! Yes, yes, yes, find one, yes.

Quagmire: Hey, hey, hey, hey that's a stroke!
Peter: I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax.
Quagmire: Oh relax, huh? Look, I just tapped my ball. Oh, just tapped it again. Tap, tap, tap...oh where is it? It's in the hole. Eagle. Yay Quagmire!
(Quagmire bends his putter across his knee and throws it against the cart)
Joe: Hey Quagmire, you know it's not fun when you're like this.
Quagmire: You want fun? Go home and buy a monkey!
Cleveland: What does that even mean?
Quagmire: I don't know. (voice drops to normal) Boy, we've got a beautiful day for this.

(Camera cuts to Quagmire and three girls)
Quagmire: ...So the man asks the bartender to recommend a good drink, and the bartender says a grasshopper. So the guy orders a grasshopper. Then, he's walkin' home, and along the way he notices a grasshopper on the ground. So he says to the grasshopper, "Hey, you know there's a drink named after you?" and the grasshopper says "You mean there's a drink named Irving?"
(Quagmire and the girls all laugh)
Quagmire: So which one of you wants to lose your virginity?

Quagmire: Alright ladies, are you ready for action?
Woman #1: We sure are Glenn.
Woman #2:Did you get the Hwhip?
Quagmire:Got it right here--wait what?

Oh, good morning honey. That feels really good. What... ? Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell? You're not the same giraffe from last night. Get out of here.

</i> Quagmire

Quagmire: What are you doing?
Joe: I'm watching Bonnie undress.
Cleveland: Bonnie's your wife.
Joe: I like to watch her strip, and pretend she's a total stranger who looks exactly like my wife and lives in my house. Get naked, you strange whore!!

Woman: I am not doing that Glenn.
Quagmire: Come on beautiful, keep an open mind.
Woman: You're a sick man!
Quagmire: Hey keep it down, I don't want my neighbors seeing a fat, old, dirty whore screaming at me on my front lawn.
Woman: Whore? Well maybe I should come inside.
Quagmire: Well maybe you should.

Peter: Oh, hey Quagmire, how was Florida?
Quagmire: Oh, it was great! And guess what? I smuggled a whole bunch of fireworks back in my anus.
Peter: Uh, Quagmire, fireworks aren't illegal here. You could've just put 'em in your car and driven 'em up here.
Quagmire: (smugly) Huh, yeah, that's just as fun.

Quagmire:(Quagmire is standing behind a woman that has a nice back) Hey, baby, how'd you like to share a pair of skates?
(Woman turns around and we see a woman who is overweight from the front)
Woman: Sure!
Quagmire: Never mind. Boy, you look a lot better from the back.
Woman: You jerk!
(Woman turns around giving Quagmire her back)
Quagmire: Oh, hey, baby, you want to go somewhere? No, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait, Quagmire, remember what's on the other side.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Peter, are you just trying to take a knee until the end of the show? Peter that's not gonna work, you can't just --

Lois