Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXGlenn Quagmire Quotes
Hey Lois, I'm ready for your pie. And you made dessert too, oh!
(Lois walks out of Quagmire's house to pick up a letter from the mailbox)
Peter: Lois, what the hell? I'm gone for one night and you sleep with Quagmire?!
Lois: Mr. Griffin, what I do with my husband is none of your business.
Peter: Husband?
Quagmire: Morning, Pete. Hope you and Molly can still join us for dinner tonight. Baby, Let's go play "Schoolgirl & Guy Who Has Sex With Schoolgirl".
(Lois giggles)
Lois: Peter used to be so passionate, but now he doesn't seem to be interested in me.
Quagmire: Lois, if I may, Peter doesn't you. As a friend, I think you deserve to be with someone who knows how to be a gentleman.
Lois: Oh, Glen. You're so sweet. (They embrace) Something's poking me.
Quagmire: It's alright. It's just my wang.
Cleveland: Boy, this election's gonna be a tight one.
Quagmire: Probably gonna be decided by just a couple of votes.
Peter: And here we are sitting here like a bunch of lazy paraplegic cops.
Joe: Huh?
Peter: Oh, I'm sorry, Joe. It's just an expression.
Joe: Ah.
(Peter rings Quagmire at the ballet)
Quagmire: Hello?
Peter: Hey, Quagmire.
Quagmire: Hey, Peter. Whats up?
Peter: I'm stuck at the stupid ballet.
Quagmire: Get out of here! You serious? So am I.
Peter: What?
Quagmire: Yeah, I got dragged here by this broad I'm trying to nail.
Peter: Where are you sitting?
Quagmire: Look across at the other balcony. I can see you.
Peter: Oh my God, we're both here! What do we do, what do we do?
Quagmire: Oh my God, we should text each other. Hang up, Hang up.
(Peter's phone vibrates, he reads the text)
Peter: Heheheheheheh
(Peter texts Quagmire back, Quagmire reads it)
Quagmire: HA!!
(reading a sign on Church door that says "Organist Wanted.") Huh-huh, all right! (Runs inside Church, unzips pants, gets slapped) Ahh. (comes back outside) Why do you say organist if you don't want... I don't understand the world anymore.
Lois: Glenn, thank you so much for helping me tear up my carpet.
Quagmire: Well ya know Lois, I gotta confess, when you called me, I sort of misunderstood what you were asking for. That's why I rushed over, but it's fine, it's fine, I'm happy to help.
Quagmire: (Pointing to strip of carpet.) Hey, uh, Lois, do you want me to leave a little strip in this thing? Maybe a lightning bolt, a unicorn, or something like that?
Lois: No, I want it all gone Glenn.
Quagmire: All right, we're going Brazilian!
Cleveland: So how's the job hunt going?
Peter: It's awful Cleveland, Quagmire blew every gig we got him.
Quagmire: It's too bad, I really liked that job working on the Starship Enterprise. (Flashback to Quagmire on Starship Enterprise. He walks to Captain Kirk and whispers.) Dude, you got to introduce me to that black chick.
(Over the plane's intercom) Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, this is your captain Glenn Quagmire, uhhhhhhh we're lookin' bout a four and a half hour flight time today, uhhhhhhh got clear skies, good visibility. The temperature in Atlanta is sixty-four degrees, uhhhhhhhhhh the flight is gonna be a little longer than we've expected, uh we've got some very strong head winds, gigity. Uh, flight attendants, please prepare for takeoff.
Peter: Boy Quagmire, I'm really sorry they fired ya. I feel like this is partially my fault.
Quagmire: (Sarcastically) No Peter, it's perfectly normal to siphon jet fuel from an active runway with the intention of flying a pickup truck.
(The phone rings, Lois answers)
Lois: Hello? Oh, you must have a wrong number, there's no one here by the name of Longrod VonHugendong.
Quagmire: (Incoherent. Motions to Lois that the call is for him)
