Glenn Quagmire Quotes (Page 9)
Season 5, Episode 12: "Airport '07"
(Meg is sleeping and a foot slowly goes into her mouth. Meg then wakes up.)
Quagmire: (whispers) Didn't mean to wake ya. (Quagmire's foot slowly leaves.)
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Cleveland: So how's the job hunt going?
Peter: It's awful Cleveland, Quagmire blew every gig we got him.
Quagmire: It's too bad, I really liked that job working on the Starship Enterprise. (Flashback to Quagmire on Starship Enterprise. He walks to Captain Kirk and whispers.) Dude, you got to introduce me to that black chick.
• Rating: Unrated
Airport Clerk: Aw, that was great.
Quagmire: Thanks. I know you have a choice in airport sex and I appreciate you choosing Quagmire. Please exercise caution when standing up as the contents of your panties may have shifted during coitus. Oh right! I got a plane to catch. Say, which gate is Flight 209?
Airport Clerk: 209? That flight left half and hour ago.
Quagmire: Oh my God! Oh my God! That plane's going down! My friends are on that plane! They're all going to die!
Airport Clerk: What? Oh no!
Quagmire: And that's not the worst part. Here's the condom I said I put on.
Airport Clerk: (gasp)
Quagmire: Hahaha, aren't I just the worst?
• Rating: Unrated
Season 5, Episode 11: "The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou"
Quagmire: Hey, hey, hey, hey that's a stroke!
Peter: I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax.
Quagmire: Oh relax, huh? Look, I just tapped my ball. Oh, just tapped it again. Tap, tap, tap...oh where is it? It's in the hole. Eagle. Yay Quagmire!
(Quagmire bends his putter across his knee and throws it against the cart)
Joe: Hey Quagmire, you know it's not fun when you're like this.
Quagmire: You want fun? Go home and buy a monkey!
Cleveland: What does that even mean?
Quagmire: I don't know. (voice drops to normal) Boy, we've got a beautiful day for this.
• Rating: Unrated
Season 5, Episode 10: "Peter's Two Dads"
(Camera cuts to Quagmire and three girls)
Quagmire: ...So the man asks the bartender to recommend a good drink, and the bartender says a grasshopper. So the guy orders a grasshopper. Then, he's walkin' home, and along the way he notices a grasshopper on the ground. So he says to the grasshopper, "Hey, you know there's a drink named after you?" and the grasshopper says "You mean there's a drink named Irving?"
(Quagmire and the girls all laugh)
Quagmire: So which one of you wants to lose your virginity?
• Rating: Unrated
Season 5, Episode 8: "Barely Legal"
(Giraffe inside Quagmire's window)
Quagmire: Oh, good morning honey. That feels really good. What... ? Hey! Hey! Hey! What the hell? You're not the same giraffe from last night. Get out of here.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Quagmire: Alright ladies, are you ready for action?
Woman #1: We sure are Glenn.
Woman #2:Did you get the Hwhip?
Quagmire:Got it right here--wait what?
• Rating: Unrated
Quagmire: What are you doing?
Joe: I'm watching Bonnie undress.
Cleveland: Bonnie's your wife.
Joe: I like to watch her strip, and pretend she's a total stranger who looks exactly like my wife and lives in my house. Get naked, you strange whore!!
• Rating: Unrated
Season 5, Episode 7: "Chick Cancer"
Woman: I am not doing that Glenn.
Quagmire: Come on beautiful, keep an open mind.
Woman: You're a sick man!
Quagmire: Hey keep it down, I don't want my neighbors seeing a fat, old, dirty whore screaming at me on my front lawn.
Woman: Whore? Well maybe I should come inside.
Quagmire: Well maybe you should.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Season 5, Episode 5: "Whistle While Your Wife Works"
Peter: Oh, hey Quagmire, how was Florida?
Quagmire: Oh, it was great! And guess what? I smuggled a whole bunch of fireworks back in my anus.
Peter: Uh, Quagmire, fireworks aren't illegal here. You could've just put 'em in your car and driven 'em up here.
Quagmire: (smugly) Huh, yeah, that's just as fun.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Are we missing your favorite quote from "?" Submit it here and get points for adding quotes!
Total Quotes: 133
