Glenn Quagmire Quotes
Tom Tucker: Can I get you some punch?
Thelma: Oh no, see, if you're one of ten million americans like me...
(cuts to a man in a chair)
Man: Like me.
(cuts to a woman on a tennis court)
Woman: Like me.
(cuts back to the community center)
Thelma: ...with a bladder control problem, punch just goes right through you.
(Quagmire comes in)
- Permalink: Can I get you some punch? Oh no, see, if you're one of ten mil...
(Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire are in the Drunken Clam)
Joe: Peter, you're urinating unusually frequently.
Quagmire: Yeah, what gives?
Shamus: If its gale force peein ya be doin, it could mean ya got barnacles on yer prostate. Best have sick bay check below yer decks.
Peter: Wait a minute, are you telling me I need a prostate exam?
Shamus: Aye, and soon, before your rudder jams with flotsam, and your droppin' anchor without an order from the captain. (pauses) How are you liking all of these nautical puns?
Quagmire: Not bad.
Cleveland: Somewhat entertaining.
- Permalink: Peter, you're urinating unusually frequently. Yeah, what gives...
Peter: Guys, I went to see Dr. Hartman yesterday and he did things to my fanny (Cries)
Cleavland: Peter it's okay.
Peter: No it's not okay, you don't know what it's like.
Cleavland: You're wrong. I too have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts.
Peter: He did it to you too?
Quagmire: I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me as well. I only went in there for a physical slice guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig. With sexual experimentation.
Joe: You guys are a bunch of queers. (Joe rolls away, but then comes back) And so am I. Oh god, it was horrible. I scrubbed and I scrubbed, but damn it, they don't make water hot enough.
- Permalink: Guys, I went to see Dr. Hartman yesterday and he did things to m...
Old Lois: Hi, Glen. How's the arthritis?
Old Quagmire: Fine. 'Course, I've gotten a little stiff since you walked in, Giggety gigg... oop, I just pooped a little.
Old Cleveland: Oh... that's... nasty...
- Permalink: Hi, Glen. How's the arthritis? Fine. 'Course, I've gotten a li...
Quagmire: Hey Brian, what do you think of my sign?
Brian: "Quagmire's Cross Country Tour." Uh, isn't there an "O" in country?
- Permalink: Hey Brian, what do you think of my sign? Quagmire's Cross Coun...
Peter: Sweet, Quagmire! You got a winnebago!
Quagmire: You mean a "Wanna-bang-o"!
Lois: (Sarcastically) Oh, how clever.
- Permalink: Sweet, Quagmire! You got a winnebago! You mean a Wanna-bang-o!...
As you can see, my family is here and it's game night. We're playing ... sex.
- Permalink: As you can see, my family is here and it's game night. We're pla...
Guys, this is the best dirty book store in town; Family owned, great hours, and lots of parking in the rear!
- Permalink: Guys, this is the best dirty book store in town; Family owned, g...
That's the exit. Of course in this place, every exit's also an entrance.
- Permalink: That's the exit. Of course in this place, every exit's also an e...
Peter: Well, my vasectomy is tomorrow.
Cleveland: You poor bastard. Sex is pointless without the potency.
Quagmire: Yeah. You take the venom out of the cobra, and what have you got? You got a... a belt!
- Permalink: Well, my vasectomy is tomorrow. You poor bastard. Sex is point...
Quagmire: Cleveland, how did you end your marriage?
Cleveland: You slept with my wife.
- Permalink: Cleveland, how did you end your marriage? You slept with my wi...
Joan: If you ever left me, I'd cut myself, then I'd cut you. I love you, Glen!
Quagmire: I love you too, insane woman whom I'm having second thoughts about.
Quagmire: All right!
- Permalink: If you ever left me, I'd cut myself, then I'd cut you. I love yo...
Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)
- Permalink: Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy!...
Peter, are you just trying to take a knee until the end of the show? Peter that's not gonna work, you can't just --Lois