The question is, why isn't all your underwear good, Jay? You make a nice living!

I thought one of the advantages of marrying an older guy was that I was going to be able to relax. But all of this swimming and running and rowing, it's just like how some of my relatives got into this country!

Jay: Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven and landed on earth.
Gloria: I didn't... oh, because I'm an angel!

Jay: You want scary? When I was his age I lived through the Cuban Missile Crisis. I slept with a butter knife under my pillow in case I had to fight some Soviet colonel.
Gloria: Why?
Jay: Because I could identify all the Commi planes.
Gloria: What are we talking about?!?

Gloria [at chess]: Look at this, papi!
Jay: Easy, you can't sing "We Are The Champions" without your Queen.

Gloria: This part of town, might be very rough, but the people here, Cameron, are the best!
Cameron: I'm pretty sure I had wheels when I parked here.

Gloria: And you really didn't know he was gay?
Jay: I must have, right?

I'm Columbian, I know a fake crime scene when I see one.

It's hard to sleep in a bed of lies, isn't it, Jay?

He comes from a long line of fishers and smugglers. But I encourage the fishing.

Gloria: What about the pigeons?
Jay: I don't like them. They're shifty.

Manny, you were afraid to light the barbecue, but now your eyebrows have grown back and your salmon is legendary!