Gloria: And you really didn't know he was gay?
Jay: I must have, right?

I'm Columbian, I know a fake crime scene when I see one.

It's hard to sleep in a bed of lies, isn't it, Jay?

He comes from a long line of fishers and smugglers. But I encourage the fishing.

Gloria: What about the pigeons?
Jay: I don't like them. They're shifty.

Manny, you were afraid to light the barbecue, but now your eyebrows have grown back and your salmon is legendary!

Does he have a mallet? Then how does he get hit in the head?

Jay, you look so strong and sexy. Like an Olympic wrestler, but with money

I come from a neighborhood with a lot of prostitutes.

This is not art. This is an unholy mix between man and beast.

It's very important to Manny that you two go have a nice picnic in the mountains.

Gloria: Every culture has their own traditions. For example, in our culture, the Baby Jesus is the one that brings the presents, not the Santa Claus.
Jay: That's doesn't make sense. How could a new born baby carry all those presents? They don't even know where their hands are.
Manny: At least a baby could fit through a chimney.
Jay: How could you sit on the Baby Jesus' lap? You'd squish him.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Cam [giving Lily dating advice]: Definitely compliment his outfit, laugh at his jokes...
Lily: What if they aren't funny?
Cam: Oh honey, the cute ones rarely are. God doesn't give with both hands.